What to expect in a childfree group

As the years go by, more and more of us are assessing whether or not we want children – and more and more of us are realising that, for one reason or another, we aren’t so sure if we do, or we realise that we simply don’t.

Despite this (or perhaps because of it?), the world can be a lonely place for us childfree folks. Whether the more family-minded people of our family and friends want to bring us in on the experience of parenthood, or whether they’re afraid that too many childfree people will have a damaging effect on the human global population, many of us are put under pressure to have children. Even if they don’t pressure us to have them, many childfree and childless folks watch our friendship networks dwindle over the years.

That’s where the need for a childfree community comes in. Rebuilding our friendship networks takes time and effort, and many childfree folks can attest to feeling wary that any new friendship might be cut short if our new friend gets pregnant. A childfree group is a great way to ensure that the people you’re building connections with aren’t going to take an 18-year break on their friendships.

Who are childfree groups for?

A good childfree group isn’t just for out-and-proud childfree people, either. A safe and supportive one has space for anyone who’s childless – perhaps somebody who’s had several rounds of IVF and has decided not to pursue further treatment, and is now looking to embrace life as a non-parent. Undecided folks, or “fence-sitters” as they sometimes call themselves, should also be welcome. Having a child is an important decision and shouldn’t be taken lightly, so those who are interested in having children but want to hear why childfree people are childfree should have a space to do so.

Then there are men. Childfree communities tend to be mostly female, but there certainly are childfree men out there. This creates an interesting dilemma for would-be founders of childfree groups: make it a women-only space, or a mixed one? The issues that are important to childfree women as opposed to childfree men differ somewhat – pregnancy, the strengths and weaknesses of contraception and sterilisation options. This is an area where we either want a private space to speak only with others of our own gender or to swap notes with other genders.

In fact, a well-established childfree group with many members can offer all sorts of valuable perspectives: young, old, white, brown and black, faith, neurotypical and neurodivergent, cis-het and all across the LGBTQIA spectrum. 

What you’ll find in a childfree group

One of the most valuable experiences a childfree group can offer is a place to explore – and perhaps find answers to – the very same questions that our more family-minded friends and family use to try and talk us into parenthood: “Who’s going to look after you when you’re older?”, “Aren’t you afraid you’re going to regret it?”, and so many others. These are valid questions when explored in a spirit of honesty, and they often come up in childfree spaces. 

What I can tell you is that there are answers to those questions. 

How to find a childfree group

Childfree and childless groups are popping up all over the place, but one particularly reliable place to find one that's either online or local to you is Meetup.com. Here, you can find a mix of women-only and mixed-gender groups. Aside from this, Wearechildfree.com offers workshops, the r/childfree subreddit on Reddit is extremely busy with dozens of new conversation threads by people around the globe starting every day (though, the culture there has a reputation for being "spicy", so explore at your own risk). The Childfree Connection offers a membership-based community with a range of meet-ups, and Resolve offers space for a peer-led support group online.

How to prepare for your first session

There are three things you'll need in order to prepare. The first is to consider safety, mostly your psychological safety. As I said before, some groups can be angrier or "spicier" than others. There is definitely a valid place for this anger, but if you need somewhere more mellow, then that's okay too. For example, my group, the Cactus Childfree Meetup Group, which you can find via Meetup, varies somewhat by the week but is on the gentler side. Childfree folks tend to be excited to talk with each other, so feel free to hang back and observe for your first session or two!

Secondly, a community takes many voices, and yours is likely unique: you'll have your own position on childlessness or childfreedom, even if that's a place of uncertainty. Your culture, age, level of financial security, and many other factors will also make your contribution unique. When you're ready, don't be shy to share your own thoughts, stories, and questions!

Thirdly, and this is optional but worthwhile, take a moment to think about what you want, if anything, from the group. Are you joining to feel kinship with other childfree folks? If so, a general-purpose group may be all you need. Are you looking to ask both childless and childfree folks about their experiences so you can decide whether to have children yourself? A more thoughtful space that allows for "fence-sitters" and childless-not-by-choice folks may be more suitable.

Are you grieving after giving up on IVF, perhaps? You certainly deserve a more gentle space, and perhaps a smaller group at that. Are you looking for possible dating options? Your local, in-person group may be more suitable, and depending on your orientation, perhaps a mixed group as opposed to women-only. Maybe you're looking for other voices from a minority to which you belong? A bigger group makes a wide range of voices more likely.

To finish

An online search will turn up a number of childfree and childless groups, each with its own framework, and open to differing breadths of society. Online or in person, serious or social. So if you’ve wondered whether parenthood is really the path for you, why not drop in?