What might surprise you after leaving an abuser - and why it's OK

Let’s start with a disclosure. I am writing this as a therapist, but also as someone who has lived through psychological abuse and domestic violence. I know first-hand just how hard it is to make that step to leave, and how it is to feel completely trapped.

I vividly remember a day sitting on the stairs in my house, so overwhelmed with emotional pain that I could barely breathe. My partner at the time had left the house, and while I knew that in reality nothing was stopping me from walking out the door, the fear was far too great.

By this point, my mind and body were in pieces. My stress levels had become so high that my hair was falling out, my skin was grey, and my stomach was in constant agony. My mind was in a permanent state of vigilance and confusion. I don’t remember a time when I felt more desperate and hopeless than I did sitting on that step. I’m not religious, but in that moment I begged god, or the universe, or whatever was out there to save me. I cried and bargained out loud that if something could just get me out, I would do anything. I couldn’t go on, but it all just felt too overwhelming and terrifying to act.

I did eventually get out, though, after planning an escape with a support service and a lot of internal strength building with my therapist, I broke away. At this point, I expected to feel free, relieved, even happy, and I did at times, but it was also far more complex than this.

While I am never glad that I experienced any of this, I am now able to take my experiences and use them to help others, as they recover and adjust to life after an abusive relationship.

I wanted to share these five things that I noticed both from my own journey and from my practice, to raise greater understanding and to let you know that you are not alone if you feel them. They are all a part of the process, and it does get better with the right support.

Five things you may feel after leaving an abusive relationship

1. You can miss them

This feels hard to explain to people around you, particularly if they know what the person has done to you. Why on earth would you miss that person? But you can. You feel heartbreak, you think about what they might be doing or how they are feeling. You might remember better times you had together and even want to reach out to them. While this can feel unexpected, it does make perfect sense.

When you are in an abusive relationship, you have to think about that person all of the time. You are always vigilant of what they might be doing or feeling, and you make it your job to try and manage situations to keep yourself safe. They become the centre of your world, and your mind doesn’t just snap out of that when you leave.

It takes time for you to readjust to not thinking of them. Plus, there was probably a ‘good’ version of them that kept you hooked in and hopeful, the part that soothed you as well as hurting you. Saying goodbye to that version of them can really hurt, but you eventually see how this was all just a part of them.

2. You may question your reality

As you get some distance from the situation, you may find that you question yourself and your experiences. Was it really that bad? Was I making it seem worse than it really was? Was I the problem? This is totally natural and a part of any grief process, and it can even be part of a protection mechanism, too.

Sometimes, sitting with the reality of the abuse we just went through is too painful, and we can minimise our own experiences to save ourselves from having to feel it. Self-blaming can also give a sense of control over a situation, by putting it back in our hands rather than feeling we are at the mercy of others. While these are understandable responses, a good therapist can help you untangle these narratives from the reality and put the responsibility back where it should be.

3. Freedom feels scary

While it seems that it should be everything that you want, freedom can be pretty scary at first. You can feel like you are suddenly out of a cage which was trapping you, but was also very familiar. You have spent a long period of time basing your decisions on how someone else might respond, and without this, it can feel difficult to know what to do.

As mentioned in point one, it can take a while to adjust back to being the focus of your world, and it can leave you feeling a little untethered. It’s a process of settling into your new reality.

4. You feel a loss of trust in yourself

This is particularly difficult if you have been gaslit in your relationship and your mind has been manipulated to fit someone else’s agenda. You may have been told things didn’t happen when you knew they did, that your emotions were wrong or that you were seeing things incorrectly.

An abuser wants you to doubt yourself, and you can soon find yourself very confused. You may even start to question your ability to spot safe people or take care of yourself. But you come to see that you were not the one misreading situations; they were changing them. You learn step by step to believe in yourself again.

5. You want to do a million things at once

You may find yourself wanting to change your entire life quickly and take on a ton of new challenges right away. You can see how you want life to look, and you can’t wait any longer to get there. This can be a combination of two things happening.

Survival mode may kick in, thrusting you into keeping busy to just keep going and not let the painful feelings get you, and you may feel a loss of time from spending a significant period in an abusive dynamic. While this can feel helpful to push on, it can get exhausting. As your nervous system settles, you can start to process those difficult emotions and realise that you have already given yourself the gift of time by walking away.

While this can sound scary, understanding some of these processes means we can see that this is all a part of recovery. It can also help those around us get a sense of just how complicated it can feel to untangle yourself from an abuser. While this road was not as straightforward as I expected, choosing to walk it was the greatest gift I ever gave myself.

It is such a big decision to leave, but there are support services and therapists out there who know the pain and can help you through. With the right guidance, you can learn to know yourself again, to grow and develop with a whole new level of strength, and, honestly, I live with so much gratitude every day.