What happens in solution-focused counselling for parenting?

When something isn’t working, it’s natural to focus on the problem. What went wrong? Why is this happening? What am I doing wrong? These questions can be helpful, but they might also leave you feeling stuck.

While you can recognise something isn’t working, it can also be hard to know what to do differently. For instance, it might seem like talking with your tween often ends in arguments, leaving you worried, overwhelmed and maybe even questioning your whole parenting approach.

When you focus only on what’s going wrong, it’s hard to notice what’s already working. Solution-focused therapy helps with both: it looks at what’s difficult, but also what's working, what could be different and what might help you move forward.

So, what is solution-focused therapy?

This approach focuses on people’s hopes, resources, strengths and possibilities for change, as well as what they would like to be different. It isn’t about ignoring problems or pretending everything is fine. Instead, it gives a realistic picture of where things are now and, importantly, it also considers the future.

You don’t need to arrive at your session knowing what the solution is, and you don't necessarily need everything to be falling apart to want some help.

Understanding what’s not working

Solution-focused therapy is often used as a relatively short-term approach, which is why it’s often referred to as “brief” therapy, but that doesn’t mean the work is rushed or superficial.

Solution-focused doesn’t mean skipping ahead to solutions; you have space to talk about what’s actually happening. You might share what’s been happening and how it's affecting you. When it comes to parenting, feelings like frustration, guilt, and worry often come up. Understanding the situation provides a starting point for thinking about what might help.

Looking for what is working

Things are rarely difficult all of the time, but it can be hard to see what is working, particularly when you’re feeling overwhelmed. However, it’s important to look for times when things are a little different, no matter how small.

For example, you might explore:

• When does communication go slightly better?
• When do you feel more confident?
• What have you already tried that has helped?
• What does your teenager respond well to?
• What are you already doing that you’d like to do more of?

Just because something is only working occasionally doesn’t make it unimportant. It might give us a clue about what might help.

What do you want to be different?

Thinking about how you would like things to be in the future can help you feel less stuck. You aren’t aiming for huge transformations, but small, observable changes. To help you work this out, you might be asked what you want instead.

For example:

• What would you notice if things were a little better?
• What would your teenager notice?
• What might you be doing differently?
• What might your relationship feel like?

By thinking in this way, “I want my teenager to stop being so difficult” becomes “I’d like us to be able to disagree without every conversation turning into an argument.” This is a concrete, practical and importantly, achievable goal.

Finding a different perspective

While the situation itself might not change right away, the way we understand it can. This doesn’t mean your perspective will be dismissed, and you’ll be told to think positively; it means exploring whether there is another way to look at things. With a new perspective, things can feel less heavy, more manageable and more possible. And this can sometimes open up options you hadn't noticed before.

For example: “My teenager doesn’t want anything to do with me.” Could become: “They’re becoming more independent, and perhaps I need to find different ways of staying connected.” The point isn’t that the second interpretation is the truth, but it may offer a more useful starting point.

The practical side

This counselling approach isn’t just about insight; you can use what you learn in your everyday life. You might try a small change in how you communicate, approach a familiar situation in a new way, or test a different response.

Sometimes the practical step is just paying attention to what works (or doesn’t) rather than actively changing it. It can help you step back and notice things that are hard to see when you're in the middle of them. This isn’t about being handed a list of parenting tips, for example, or being told what to do. It’s about finding what might work for you and your unique situation.

What might a session with this approach look like?

Take the example of: “My daughter and I argue about everything. I feel like I’ve tried everything.”

You might start by talking about what’s happening, the impact it is having on you, your daughter and your relationship and what feels hardest. Talking through your situation helps you, and it also helps your therapist understand what’s happening. You might then explore what’s working in your relationship. Are there times you get on better? What’s different?

Looking forward helps you think about what you’d like your relationship to feel like, giving you a clear goal to work toward. There may be another way of understanding something that currently feels particularly difficult, for example, considering how your teen’s developing brain can affect how they communicate and respond. Sometimes what feels like a personal rejection is more about their need for independence than how they feel about you.

You can then consider practical steps, what you might try differently and, importantly, what would be realistic in your situation between you and your daughter.

Of course, sessions won't follow a set formula. These are simply some of what might be explored, depending on what you bring to counselling and what feels most useful to you. Sometimes you may need more space to talk through what's happening; other times, you feel ready to focus more on what could be different or what you could try next.

Solution-focused doesn’t mean pretending everything is positive

This is your counselling, and of course your feelings are important. Sometimes things are genuinely difficult, and you may feel sad, frustrated, anxious, angry, or unsure. You don't have to turn everything into a positive; this is about being realistic. The goal is to help you find a way forward without becoming completely consumed by the problem.

Who might solution-focused counselling be helpful for?

It can be useful for you if you:

• feel stuck;
• are overwhelmed by a particular situation;
• keep having the same arguments or difficulties;
• want to approach something differently;
• want a practical element to counselling;
• would like to feel more hopeful about a situation;
• aren’t necessarily looking for long-term therapy;
• want to make sense of something and work out what to do next.

You don’t have to know what the solution is before you start. Sometimes it starts with understanding what’s happening, noticing what’s working, looking at things from a slightly different perspective and finding one small step that could make things feel a little easier.

Solution-focused therapy gives you space to make sense of what’s happening, while also focusing on what might help you move forward, leaving you feeling a little lighter and better able to see what’s possible.