What choice do I have?

When you feel like you have no options available to you, it can develop into a sense of being trapped, stuck or suffocating. This sense of ‘stuckness’ can cause suffering and distress because your core needs aren’t being met, and your true self isn’t being given the chance to flourish and thrive.

Connection, flexibility, freedom, moving forward: Do you have a choice?

So often clients have situations or inner conflicts they can’t see a way out of. They consider their options to be limited, restricted or non-existent. This can feel like they are helplessly spinning around on a hamster wheel, unable to get off without hurting themselves, or others. Or, they just can’t breathe.

It can be so hard to see choices, which exist in most scenarios when immersed in anxiety, fear or autopilot. Other times there are tangible and seemingly unmovable obstacles in your way such as finances, work, age, or responsibilities.

But, for your own mental well-being, it is essential to discover choices, whether internally or externally. Choices provide power, hope, autonomy, freedom and positive change.

A client said to me once, after realising they were not living their own life: “Even if I end up back here (their current situation) in five years, at least I’ll know I tried. I owe it to myself”.This client came to me feeling trapped and were unable to see a way out of their situation.

Can you discover your choices through counselling?

Choice is a subject regularly discussed in depth in many counselling and psychology theories. It is recognised that choice brings about feelings of inner balance, because the different parts that make up ‘self’ are being acknowledged and met.

Common themes in the discussion of choice include:

• functioning on autopilot means nothing changes and our choices are removed
• choosing to react and respond to thoughts, feelings and behaviours immediately opens up the opportunity for choice
• even when things feel beyond our control, we still have a choice
• in almost every moment, we have a choice in how we act, think and feel

Building skills in self-awareness helps us shift away from automatic thoughts, feelings and behaviours, so we can pause, and ask ourselves: 

• In this moment, is this response or level of response needed?
• Where has this reaction come from?
• Does this feel familiar; am I on autopilot?
• Can I choose a different response, and open up my choices?

When choices are limited and that feeling of being trapped sets in, the autonomic nervous system senses danger and activates a survival response: the much-discussed fight, flight, fawn or freeze phenomenon. Having no choice feels dangerous. However, too much choice can be equally overwhelming and triggering. This explains why lack of choice makes us feel trapped, stuck or scared.

So, what is the right amount of choice?

Choice is unique to every individual. Each time you encounter challenges, you have a choice in how to respond. Choice can move you closer to living your life with greater depth, meaning, clarity and freedom.

Our choices stem from taking pause, being aware, reflecting, accepting and changing. When we see our choices, what follows is the realisation we control our lives. What could be more empowering? 

We can be in the driving seat. With our hands firmly on the steering wheel, we decide whether to go left, right or straight on. And the less familiar the road we choose, the more we are opening ourselves up to new experiences, feelings, thoughts and moving closer to the life we want.

What about those hard barriers standing in the way of choice?

Unavoidable barriers are part of life. Finances, age, responsibility and work can feel impossible to navigate, yet we still have the possibility of choice within them. Clearly identifying your values and taking time to notice what your core self truly needs (connection, freedom, enjoyment, fulfilment, achievement) will inform whether you:

• accept the situation but choose to respond differently
• accept the situation as it is and make no changes, which in itself is a courageous choice
• exit the situation, no matter how difficult or daunting it might feel initially

It is important to clarify whether you are using hard barriers as an excuse to do nothing and are telling yourself, “I have no choice”. What might be the reason behind this? Is it avoidance? A lack of confidence or fear, perhaps? Change can be intimidating because no matter how unhappy you are it is likely your survival instincts have created a familiar and comfortable state of ‘safety’. All our behaviours are rooted in self-protection, even ones that appear negative and unhelpful. 

Never forget to be kind and compassionate with yourself.