Unhappy relationships: tips for building a healthier one

An old saying goes that maintaining a long-term relationship requires sacrifice or compromise. These qualities can certainly play a role, but a healthy relationship involves much more than simply sacrificing ourselves or compromising our needs.

Some relationship researchers use the metaphor of an “emotional bank account” to describe how couples build and maintain emotional connection.

John Gottman and colleagues describe positive everyday interactions, such as showing appreciation, responding to a partner's bids for connection, listening and expressing affection, as “deposits,” while negative interactions can function as “withdrawals.” The idea is that a relationship needs an ongoing foundation of positive connection to help couples navigate difficult moments.

For example, investing in your partner may mean offering emotional support, trying to understand their perspective, giving them space to be themselves, helping with household responsibilities, or sharing childcare.

However, it's important to remember that relationships are not simply mathematical equations. We cannot measure love by counting deposits and withdrawals, and one partner's needs should not be used to justify an unhealthy imbalance. The metaphor can be useful, but every relationship is unique.

When the usual advice doesn't seem to work

In a counselling setting, we can explore the relationship advice and strategies you may have already tried and consider why they may not be working for you.

Perhaps you think:

• “I have done so much for my partner, but they still betrayed me.”
• “I have tried my best, but it never seems to be enough.”
• “I want to be close to my partner so badly, but somehow I keep pushing them away.”
• “I find it difficult to trust my partner, even when they have given me reasons to trust them.”
• “I am constantly afraid that my partner will leave me.”

These experiences can be deeply frustrating and painful. Over time, they may contribute to disconnection, repeated conflict, separation or divorce. Sometimes, there is more underneath the surface.

The potential causes of an unhappy relationship

Attachment

You may have heard people say, “You don't just marry one person; you marry the whole family.” There can be some truth in this idea. When we enter an intimate relationship, we also bring our histories, family experiences, cultural beliefs, expectations and ways of understanding love and connection.

Attachment theory helps us understand some of these patterns. Research has found associations between childhood maltreatment and insecure attachment in adulthood, including attachment anxiety and avoidance. However, these relationships are complex, and difficult childhood experiences do not determine a person's future relationships.

Importantly, attachment is not determined by a single period of childhood, nor is it fixed forever. Relationships and experiences throughout life can continue to influence attachment and interpersonal functioning.

Trauma and loss

The word trauma can feel frightening to some people. Yet trauma and adversity are more common than many of us realise, and their effects can be significant.

Childhood adversity and significant losses can influence how we understand ourselves, other people and relationships. For some people, it may contribute to difficulties with trust, emotional regulation, communication or intimacy later in life. Research also suggests associations between adverse childhood experiences and difficulties in adult interpersonal functioning, including communication, conflict management and supportive relationships.

At the same time, it is important not to assume that every relationship difficulty is caused by childhood trauma. People are shaped by many experiences, including temperament, relationships, culture, current circumstances and later life experiences. With appropriate professional support, it is possible to develop greater awareness of these patterns and strengthen more helpful ways of relating.

Relational trauma: when the past enters the present

Sometimes, the ending of a previous relationship can feel as though it belongs entirely in the past. You may think: “That happened with someone else. Why should it affect my current relationship?” Yet there may be moments when something your current partner says or does triggers a surprisingly intense emotional response. You may experience anger, sadness, fear or a strong sense of rejection.

Over time, hurt can become bitterness. Bitterness can become resentment. Resentment can become blame. You may eventually begin to feel that your current partner is becoming similar to the person who hurt you before. From there, it can be tempting to develop beliefs such as, “All men are untrustworthy,” or “All women will eventually leave me.”

When these beliefs become established, they can influence how we approach the next relationship. We may become more guarded, more suspicious, or more afraid of being hurt again. And then the same cycle may begin again.

Healing from past relationship experiences

This does not mean that trauma is always the answer, but exploring the connection between past experiences and present reactions can sometimes help us understand patterns that otherwise feel confusing.

Healing does not mean forgetting what happened. It may mean better understanding what happened, recognising how it affects you today, and learning new ways to respond.

It can be difficult to heal relational wounds entirely on our own. When painful experiences remain unresolved, we may develop coping strategies that once helped us survive but no longer serve us well.

The good news is that people can learn, grow and develop healthier ways of relating. Our past can influence us, but it does not have to completely define our future.

How can I build a healthier relationship?

There is no single formula for a healthy relationship. However, there are some principles that may help.

1. Set healthy boundaries

It is OK to have needs and feelings. It is also OK to communicate those needs to your partner in a calm and respectful way. Healthy boundaries allow both people to remain connected while still being individuals.

2. Express appreciation

Say something kind when you can. Notice the things your partner does and let them know that you appreciate them. Small expressions of appreciation can help maintain emotional connection.

3. Listen to understand, not simply to respond

When your partner is distressed, try to understand what they are experiencing before preparing your response or trying to solve the problem. Feeling heard and understood can be an important part of emotional connection.

4. Create shared experiences

Celebrate important occasions together, but do not underestimate ordinary moments. A shared meal, a walk, a conversation before bed or a small celebration can all create opportunities for connection.

5. Do small things for each other

You do not always need a grand romantic gesture. Buying your partner their favourite chocolate, making them a cup of tea, helping with the dishes or checking in after a difficult day can communicate, “I see you, and you matter to me.”

6. Address unfairness and wrongdoing

Healthy relationships are not about pretending that everything is fine. When something has caused hurt, or there is an unfair pattern, it is important to acknowledge it and work towards meaningful change.

Rupture and repair

A healthy relationship is not a relationship in which a couple never argues. Disagreements, misunderstandings and moments of disconnection are part of being human. What matters is what happens afterwards.

Can we acknowledge that something went wrong? Can we take responsibility for our part? Can we listen to the other person's experience? Can we apologise when an apology is needed? Can we make changes rather than simply promising to change?

Relationship researchers and clinicians often call this process rupture and repair. Perhaps a healthy relationship is not about never hurting each other. Perhaps it is about learning to recognise the hurt, understand one another, repair what's been damaged, and keep growing together.

And sometimes, when we cannot do this alone, seeking professional support can begin that process. If you are still struggling to navigate relationships, or if you have experienced childhood trauma, loss, or past relational trauma that has led you to become stuck or trapped in unhealthy patterns of relating, I would encourage you to seek professional support.

References

Li, S., Ma, Y., Cao, X., et al. (2026). Childhood Maltreatment and Adult Attachment: A Three-Level Meta-Analytic Review. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse.

Breidenstine, A. S., Bailey, L. O., Zeanah, C. H., & Larrieu, J. A. (2011/2014). Attachment and Trauma in Early Childhood: A Review. Journal of Child & Adolescent Trauma, 4, 274–290.

Maloney, E., Dowling, C., & O'Reilly, G. (2025). Adverse childhood experiences and interpersonal functioning in adulthood: A systematic review. European Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 9(2), 100534.

van Rensburg, E. J., et al. (2023/2024). The effect of childhood maltreatment on adult survivors' parental reflective function, and attachment of their children: A systematic review. Development and Psychopathology, 36(3), 1166–1180.

Gottman Institute. Invest in Your Relationship: The Emotional Bank Account.

Gottman, J. M. (1998). Psychology and the Study of Marital Processes. Annual Review of Psychology, 49, 169–197.