We don’t argue – so why are we so unhappy?

When people think about couples therapy, they often imagine couples who are arguing all the time. But sometimes couples come to see me and say something quite different: “We don’t really argue.”

And yet something does not feel right. They may feel distant from one another, living alongside each other rather than really feeling connected. Perhaps affection or sex has changed, conversations have become mostly practical, or one of them has started to wonder, "What has happened to us?"

Not arguing can, of course, be a sign of a relationship that feels safe and settled. But sometimes it can mean that one or both people have become very good at avoiding disagreement.

When keeping the peace becomes the pattern

Perhaps you recognise some of these thoughts:

• “It’s not worth bringing it up.”
• “I don’t want another difficult conversation.”
• “It doesn’t matter that much.”
• “I’ll just leave it.”

You might be the person who tends to give in, change the subject, or keep something to yourself because you don't want to upset your partner. And that can make complete sense. If saying nothing means you avoid an argument, why would you deliberately create one?

The difficulty is that whatever you were feeling or needing hasn't necessarily gone away just because you didn't say it. Do that often enough, and you can leave a lot unsaid. Perhaps your partner has no idea that anything is wrong because, as far as they are concerned, everything seems fine.

“I don’t know when we became so distant”

This is something I find particularly interesting when working with couples. Sometimes no huge event has happened. Nobody can point to the moment the relationship changed. It has happened slowly, perhaps over many years.

Perhaps one person has spent years adapting to the other. Perhaps they stopped asking for something because they did not think they would get it. Or both people have gradually learnt which subjects are better avoided.

You can end up with a relationship that looks fairly calm from the outside but does not feel particularly close from the inside. And sometimes resentment starts to creep in, particularly when one person feels they have spent years putting their own needs to one side.

The other person may be completely unaware of this. After all, if you have always said you were happy to go along with something, how would they know you felt differently?

Why is disagreement so difficult?

What does it feel like when somebody you love is unhappy with you? For some people it is uncomfortable but manageable. For somebody else it can feel enormous, and they might do almost anything to avoid that feeling.

Perhaps disagreement growing up meant shouting, anger, withdrawal or silence. Perhaps you learnt to keep other people happy, notice their moods or not ask for too much. Or perhaps feelings simply were not talked about in your family.

We all bring something of what we have learnt about relationships into the relationships we have now. Sometimes we are not even aware of how much those early experiences influence what we do with our partners.

There need to be two people in the relationship

A close relationship does not mean becoming the same person. You can love somebody and disagree with them, want different things or say no. Your partner can be disappointed with you, and you can still be OK.

You can also hear your partner’s experience without having to agree that their version is the only version. You might see something completely differently, and that does not mean one of you has to be wrong.

That might sound obvious, but for some couples it is incredibly difficult. If disagreement has always felt threatening, it can be much easier to agree, give in or simply say nothing.

For some couples, the real work is not learning how to stop arguing. It is learning how to have differences safely, without either person feeling they have to give up something important about themselves to keep the relationship going.

What if the person who usually gives in stops?

If one person has spent years accommodating, smoothing things over or putting their own needs to one side, what happens when they start doing something different?

They might start saying no, expressing what they actually think or asking for something they have previously kept quiet about. And their partner may say, “You’ve changed.” They probably have, but that does not automatically mean something has gone wrong. It might mean there is now more of that person present in the relationship, with their own thoughts, feelings and needs.

Of course, that can feel uncomfortable for both people. A relationship has found a way of working, even if that way is no longer working particularly well. When one person changes their part of the pattern, the relationship has to adjust too.

They might suddenly find themselves having conversations they have never really had before. That can be difficult, particularly when both people are so used to keeping things comfortable.

What might we look at in couples therapy?

Your counsellor is not interested in deciding which person is right. They are much more interested in what happens between you, especially in those small moments when something important is felt but never quite makes it into the conversation.

What happens when one of you tries to raise something difficult? What happens inside the other person? Does somebody withdraw or quickly give in? Does one of you pursue the conversation while the other desperately wants it to end? What happens next?

Perhaps the conversation is abandoned, one person reassures the other that everything is fine, or you both move on without really addressing what happened. Life carries on, but whatever was bothering you has not necessarily gone away.

When we slow these moments down, couples can often begin to see a pattern that neither of them deliberately created. Sometimes, just beginning to understand what happens between you can bring things into focus that neither of you had really noticed before.

Perhaps one person thought they were being kind by not bringing something up, while their partner had no idea there was anything to talk about. Or perhaps one person has become so used to giving in that they no longer stop to think about what they actually want.

That gives us somewhere much more useful to start. Rather than trying to change everything at once, we can begin to look at how both people might say more of what they think and feel, while learning that disagreement does not have to threaten the relationship.

The aim is not to turn a couple who never argues into a couple who argues all the time. It is about creating enough safety in the relationship for both people to be there, allowing you to ask, “What have we stopped saying to each other in order not to argue at all?”