Understanding the therapeutic relationship

Throughout my work and training, the one thing that has always stood out the most is the importance of relational depth. The therapeutic relationship is absolutely everything, and without establishing that alliance, that connection, that understanding, the progress in therapy will be very limited. As Irvin Yalom put it, 'it's the relationship that heals.' There is so much to be said about this, so I will try to summarise some key elements on this very important topic.

Irvin Yalom stated in one of his many books, The Gift of Therapy, that many clients came to him after feeling that their therapists were very distant. I truly understand how that would hinder the therapeutic process.

What stands out the most to me again and again is that energy in the room between two human beings, not an expert and a patient, but two humans. One who brings in their experience, their pain, their world view and another who not only holds that space but holds another fellow human within that space.

Remaining at the client's pace, empathising in such a deep way that you can feel the client's energy. Knowing that change does not happen suddenly, but happens when an individual is ready for it. It's being that therapist who recognises that things are 'easier said than done' and a human mind is made up of far deeper components than logical thoughts that they can put together to solve their problems. 

Relational depth is having the sensitivity, curiosity and passion to be able to approach clients with relationship patterns that you feel are perhaps being repeated in the therapy room. This could be a client who is avoidant, for example, or a client who is afraid of you abandoning them as their therapist. When this is explored, it can open the door to healing many relationships in their life. It all starts in the therapy room.

I truly feel that for this to take place, you've got to care about your clients. It's more than a job. It's a calling. The therapeutic relationship should be empowering, it should be healing and freeing. The first relationship I often focus on with my clients is the relationship they have with themselves. The only person who is with us all the time from the beginning of our lives until the end is ourselves.

People can sometimes struggle to allow themselves that attention, especially when they have been caring for everybody else. I strive to make this easier for my clients by emphasising the importance of self-care. Again, when they feel comfortable enough with me as their therapist, and they build that trust in me, they feel able to open up about themselves. 

The therapeutic relationship can heal or hinder. As a relational therapist, I make sure that this is my priority to allow my clients to heal. You can't fully heal if you can't fully open up. It starts with trust, then being open, and then that openness can allow individuals to be honest with themselves because this is what therapy is about.

It is about you. This is the space to be yourself, even if you can't be anywhere else.