Understanding the ‘drama void’ in therapy

What is the 'drama void'?

There comes a time in our therapeutic journey – a sweet spot where we have unpacked our stories and unloaded our shame. We’ve looked at our experiences through a new lens and reframed the stories that were keeping us stuck. Hopefully, we’ve processed some of what was free-floating and causing us to repeat unhelpful patterns.

We may have ended certain relationships, having realised that there wasn’t much but shared drama keeping them afloat. We understand our role in those relationships and have taken accountability for the parts that were our doing, knowing that we now have the tools to avoid these games in the future. We are untethered from our previous scripts.

And on the surface, things seem great. We have more energy and time on our hands now that we’re not being pulled into fixing other people’s messes. Our potential is shimmering on the horizon, and the future is finally looking like something we can shape.

Therapy might start to feel more like a catch-up on the events of the week, more like reporting on how differently we are doing and seeing things. We start to contemplate talking to our therapists about reducing sessions with a view to ending completely.

All the while, two simultaneous experiences are occurring: the conscious experience (the one we bring to therapy each week, full of change and satisfaction), and the unconscious experience. This one is mostly hidden away, stealthy and disgruntled. This one isn’t quite so happy about all of these changes and is busily working away behind the scenes, trying to figure out how to restore homeostasis.

Our minds are a bit like an iceberg – the smaller part at the surface is the part we (and those around us) are aware of. The unconscious is the part of the mind that lurks beneath the surface and controls memories, desires and impulses that are outside of our awareness, but that have a real influence on our behaviours and decisions.

When we are raised in a household of chaos and drama, or when a caregiver was absent or overbearing, or when we are sent to boarding school away from everything familiar, or when we endured years of bullying – basically, when our growing nervous systems became wired for something other than peace, calm and safety – we become adults with dramatic nervous systems that seek to recreate the conditions that caused the faulty wiring in the first place.

Our conscious minds tell us that this workaholism or abusive relationship or constant rushing around and chronic lateness is undesirable and needs to change, while our unconscious seeks ever more chaos because this part of us isn’t concerned with being comfortable – it is entirely focused on seeking what is familiar, and ultimately, what we grew up with.

Our unconscious doesn’t see healing in quite the same way as we do. This is a notoriously tricky time in our healing – where there was a constant supply of deliciously distracting drama, there is now a void.

How might the drama void show up in our daily lives?

We can understand, then, that the unconscious will likely be working against us as we make changes in therapy. It comes as no surprise that the client who had prioritised self-care and implemented boundaries with difficult family members might suddenly be swept off his feet by a charming manipulator who empties his bank account and never calls him back.

It makes sense that the woman who reduces her work hours from 80 to 37.5 hours a week just so happens to start volunteering at weekends and soon becomes busier than ever. Once we understand that ‘nature abhors a vacuum’, the concept of a drama void becomes an anticipated event in our recovery, and so we can be forewarned and forearmed.

Meeting the drama void with compassion

Instead of judging ourselves for following the pull to what feels familiar, "just when we thought we were doing so well", how about we observe with a kind curiosity instead? One that sounds like "oh wow – I can see that I’ve been drawn back to the relationship that caused me so much pain, just when I was really making progress. I wonder why I chose to invite this anxiety back into my life right now?"

Rebuilding safety in your nervous system

With this gentle approach, you might find that you’ve actually been feeling bored without the drama – perhaps the peace and safety actually feels dangerous to the parts of you that were conditioned to endure chaos for so many years.

Once you understand what the drama void stirs in you, then you can take steps to plug the gap with conscious ‘fillers’. Perhaps you use your time to take up a thrilling hobby that gets your adrenaline pumping in a way that is conducive to self-growth. Maybe you start a local walking or activities-focussed group because you realise that it was a sense of loneliness that was compelling you to revisit old relationships.

You might take a deep dive into a personal yoga practice to rebuild your nervous system from the ground up. Whatever you decide, the point is that this will be a choice that you have made in conscious awareness rather than a repetition that will only get you what you’ve always got in the past.

The drama void is a very real phenomenon when we are making big changes in our lives. Anticipating it (rather than falling headfirst into it) offers the opportunity to understand ourselves on a deeper level and make choices that are in keeping with how we want our lives to feel.

Working with a therapist through the 'void phase'

If you recognise yourself in some of what you've just read, and you'd like some additional support to keep yourself on an even keel, a good therapist can offer this support. You've already identified what you'd like to work on together in therapy; your next steps might be to search for a therapist that you feel would be a good fit for you, as you start to build your bridge across the void.