Anxious lying: finding self-compassion over shame

Most people will have told a white lie at some point, saying we are five minutes away from our appointment when, in reality, we are just leaving, or denying that we used the last of the milk.

But what about when lying is the kind that happens instantly, before the brain and any conscious awareness have time to catch up? For many people, shame quickly follows.

Lying isn't always manipulation

Whilst it can certainly form part of manipulation, much of the time, lying is a self-protective measure. Instantly the brain scans for impending threats, and lying can protect us from them. So rather than trying to gain power or control over a situation or another, it's more about avoiding something.

What are we avoiding?

In many cases, this can stem from childhood. Many children may not yet have developed the emotional skills to sit with criticism, conflict or feelings of failure. They may also not have parents who model or help the child sit with being imperfect. Some may have experienced an overly authoritarian parent, where fear becomes intertwined with the survival instinct to lie in order to avoid anger.

In reality, many factors may contribute to avoidance, including neurodivergence, parenting styles, a child's own temperament, sibling interactions, previous experiences and schooling.

Eventually, avoidance through lying simply became more of a survival response for your nervous system. Understanding these emotions, thoughts, and fears, and knowing how to process them, is the key to change.

It is also interesting to consider Dr William Dodson's estimate that children with ADHD (diagnosed or not) may receive significantly more daily criticism, with one source stating that by the age of 10, they may have received around 20,000 more negative or corrective messages than their peers. Whilst this is not a foregone conclusion and more research is needed, it is something I have observed clinically in my own therapy room.

For some neurodivergent adults, this may be one way that fear of criticism presents itself. In these cases, fear of criticism can become linked with lying as a way of avoiding difficult emotions, despite the impact this can have on themselves and their long-term relationships. As one source puts it, "The emotional math changes: a small lie feels less painful than another round of disappointment from someone they care about," which may help explain why this pattern can become repetitive for some people.

The fear underneath 

Deep down, lying rarely comes from the thought of 'getting away' with something.

More often, it comes from thoughts or feelings such as:

• "I am useless"
• "I've let them down again"
• "I've let myself down again"
• "They'll be angry"

Shame vs guilt 

We tend to feel guilty when we have another biscuit or run late for a meeting, but guilt doesn't affect our overall sense of self. Shame, however, is fundamentally a different feeling, as here we equate a mistake or imperfection as impacting our overall sense of self. So the outcome means we feel, internally, that we are a 'bad person' rather than just having a human moment.

Understanding relational impact: adult vs inner child

Whilst lying may be protective as a small child, as an adult this is very different. Lying in an adult relationship usually comes at a greater cost than sitting with the emotions of disappointment or frustration from a partner, friend or work colleague, for example.

This cost is the erosion of trust. Trust is a fundamental part of any successful human relationship. The impact of lying is no longer a protective measure but an instinctive measure causing harm to your own relationships you actually wish to keep and maintain.

How can we begin to change?

First, we need to recognise that this is our issue to deal with. This first step of accountability can be the hardest to accept. Once we accept that we cannot expect to sustain adult relationships believing the other adult should trust us when we also continue to lie, or have done so significantly in the past, then the real transformation can begin.

Counselling can help you identify and understand the emotions, thoughts and feelings you're trying to avoid. It can help you pause to notice whether specific situations act as triggers. At the same time, slowly admitting to mistakes with safe adults, challenging thoughts as they arise, looking for ways to build self-esteem, and practising mindfulness or meditation to stop the impulse and soothe the nervous system will all help towards being able to sit with these feelings without shame. 

Learning that making mistakes doesn't make us a 'bad' person ultimately means we don't have to be perfect to have successful, trusting relationships.