Understanding grief and loss: How to cope and find support

Grief and loss are part of life and are experienced by most of us during our life. People deal with grief in different ways and do not necessarily go through a predictable group of ‘stages,’ though some do.

When we hear others talk about their feelings, we may be able to relate to their experiences, but there are no set rules for how we will experience our own journey through the grief process. There is no specific timeline or set path for coming to terms with the loss of a loved one but, by learning to incorporate grief into our day-to-day life, we can learn to adapt to the changes that the loss has brought upon us.

The five stages of grief

There is no right or wrong way to understand grief, but Dr Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced the well-known five-stage model:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

This model can help people understand the grieving process but, once again, these five stages are a guide and not everyone goes through them or experiences them in this order.

However, beginning to understand that grief is as individual to us as the person we lost was individual to us (in their own ways) is a good start in understanding our grief.

Common emotional responses to grief

Below are some of the emotional experiences which we may suffer with as part of grief.

• Feeling disconnected from others, a sense of numbness.
• Guilt about not initially feeling pain about the loss.
• Worries about not grieving ‘normally’ or ‘correctly’.
• Mood swings and tearfulness.
• Uncontrollable grief bursts.
• Guilt about interactions with the person who has died (e.g. I should have spent more time with them or I wish we didn’t have that argument).
• Waves of sadness or anger, which can be overwhelming and sometimes suddenly triggered by reminders.

It's no wonder we find it difficult to express or understand ourselves and some of our emotional experiences. A sense of the loss, and not being ‘real’ at first, or refusal to believe it has occurred. Heartache and a sense of numbness are natural during a heavy loss and it can be difficult for us to put into words our true feelings even the ones we are closest to we may find it difficult to express how we are feeling.

How can counselling help with grief?

All the above are natural responses to grief and the loss of someone.

Counselling allows us to talk confidentially about our thoughts and feelings about the person who has died, or some other personal loss that is impacting our life. Counselling can help us work through how their death or loss is affecting us as a person and ways of coping. This may include:

Learning about grief

Learning to understand grief and how it impacts us can be a start to understanding how it has impacted you individually. Working through how grief is impacting us with a counsellor can help us along on our own life journey.

Understanding feelings

Once we know more about grief, we can begin to unpick some of our feelings and develop strategies.

Identifying unhealthy behaviours

Sometimes our behaviours may not help so being able to talk through unhelpful behaviours can help us learn to adapt and lead a lifestyle that can benefit our overall wellbeing as we come to terms with the loss.

Building coping strategies

You can learn how to deal with days we are finding tough - times like holidays, anniversaries, or birthdays - and how these may impact us emotionally.

Adapting to live without the person

The strategies that we use to learn to cope with the loss or changes that are occurring help us begin to live without what we have lost

Grief is a unique experience which is often because the person we lost was unique to ourselves and, because of the loss, we can find ourselves at our lowest point. However, by working with a therapist, we can work through the confusion and express our deepest thoughts without the feeling of being judged, and we can start the journey of living again.