Coping with discovering secrets after a death

When someone dies, grief can present itself in so many different ways. There is no right or wrong way or timescale; it is a unique experience for each of us. Grief can be overwhelming, exhausting, with wide-ranging emotions including sadness, anger, guilt, shock and numbness.

Grief is something we can’t avoid. Death is part of life. But gradually, most people find they are able to continue with life and start to feel happy at times, while remembering those who have died.

But what if, when sorting through a loved one’s belongings, secrets about them are found? How does this impact grief? 

Secrets kept

Secrets are usually just that, something not to be discovered. And whilst the person is alive, they are able to carefully hide them, tucked away in drawers, diaries, letters. Sometimes information is discovered through friends, family members or work colleagues. If you have discovered a secret after a loved one’s death, you are not alone.

Here are just some of the secrets I have commonly heard in my practice. The deceased might:

• have been in debt
• struggled with addiction
• had an affair
• lived two separate lives
• had a previous marriage, which they had kept secret
• had children who were kept secret
• have known they were sick/dying and not told anyone
• not have disclosed their true sexual orientation or gender

How discovering secrets can affect grief

How people respond to finding a secret is again unique to their own experiences, but the discovery can complicate grief. People question whether they really knew that person; they question the deceased’s identity. The bereaved may feel the shock, anger and numbness all over again, almost like a second bereavement, all connected to the one person.

The bereaved may question their own identity, asking themselves, "How did I not know this about them?" The trust and love they had for the deceased may be rocked, and the bereaved may feel betrayed. They will look back searching for clues, feel duped, lied to, used, and let down. It may feel like too big a secret to share with others. Perhaps shame of what the deceased did, or shame that they never knew the truth. 

Or others may have always known the truth, and just not shared it with the bereaved. Finding out their parents are not their natural parents, for example, or that they have unknown siblings, aunts, uncles, or grandparents. The bereaved may struggle with their own identity, as the foundation of their world becomes unstable after learning the secret. The bereaved may struggle with complicated, complex feelings, emotions, thoughts and a drive to find answers as to why.

Coping with post-death secrets

There is no right or wrong answer here; it will be different for everyone. Here are just a few of the things I have learnt from working with clients.

Prepare yourself for a whole range of emotions

The depth of emotion may depend on the type of secret. Remember that all emotions associated with grief, from anger, sadness, guilt, shock, and numbness, are normal. The complication of uncovering a secret may mean these take more time to explore and process.

Ways to process emotions

You may be searching for answers. Desperate to speak with the deceased, but knowing you can’t, you feel frustrated. Finding other ways to express your feelings, such as writing a letter, speaking to them out loud, journaling, or drawing, may help. 

A new relationship with your loved one

Discovering the relationship with your loved one is not as you thought can impact the lovely memories you have of them. These memories may be overtaken by thoughts of the secret, being angry with them, or sad that they had not told you. Whatever secret was kept is part of the deceased's story, making them who they were.

If you can try to recall the happy times you had with that person as well, as you rebuild a new post-death relationship. There is no doubt that it can be very difficult, complicated by the fact that they are not alive to give answers. It may need time and self-compassion to help work through the complicated emotions.

Secrets can be good, too

Out of deep distress at uncovering a secret, good things can happen, too. Perhaps seeing the loved one in a new light helps to understand them more and answers some questions. It could be that new relationships are developed with unknown family members. It could even bring someone closer to the deceased. There is no right or wrong way, no one-size-fits-all answer. It is whatever feels right for the bereaved as they process their grief.

Talk to someone

When grief is complicated, it can be much more difficult to navigate. If you can, speaking with friends or family may help. Sometimes seeking support from a qualified counsellor can help you to explore and understand your feelings, in a safe, confidential and non-judgemental space. Remember, you are not alone in discovering secrets – others have too.