Understanding attraction: Building healthier connections

Dating was never easy to navigate when people had to enter direct contact (face-to-face), let alone in the digital age. So, how do we gauge if someone is genuinely attracted to us? And what does this mean for building healthier connections?

What attraction really means

Attraction is not merely the wanting that another person’s looks and appearance are able to trigger in us. It is very much a combination of factors which, when put together, will trigger the release of chemicals and hormones in our brains, giving us a sense of intoxication with the other person.

How self-perception shapes attraction

The first and perhaps most obvious component is indeed physical appearance. It is the first thing we see, even with online dating, and we often make a very quick judgment as to whether we like it or not. We will do so based on 2 main factors:

• our own perception of self
• social norms around the definition of beauty

The first factor, our own perception of self, is driven by our ego. The Cambridge dictionary defines “Ego” as “your idea or opinion of yourself, especially your feeling of your own importance and ability”.

We all have an ego, and we all score at different levels on the scale of egocentrism. A high ego will tend to drive us towards someone we see as worthy of us, whereas a low ego will tend to drive us towards someone we hope to be worthy of. The focus changes from inward to outward.

A few questions for you to consider:

• Where do you sit on that scale? And how does this reflect on your choice of potential partner?
• Do you feel your choice is influenced by the way you feel about yourself?
• What is your inner voice telling you about yourself that drives you towards a particular individual?

This helps us gauge the driver behind the interest in a particular person, and whether it is a healthy driver.

The influence of social and cultural norms on attraction

The second factor, around social norms, is driven by the timeframe we live in, as well as cultural norms. Beauty norms have evolved and continue to evolve over time. In the 1960s, for example, more curvier women were considered the epitome of beauty standards. Fast forward 40 years and thin has become the accepted norm of beauty. If we don’t fit in with 'social norms', it can impact our ego and even feelings of self-worth, inducing shame and guilt.

When we look at someone else, these two lenses will cover our eyes and will provide a response which will determine whether we like what we see or not. Even though this may seem like an important barrier to pass, it is only the gateway to wanting more. In simple words, this is the honey trap, which helps to attract attention to oneself, but doesn’t mean attraction.

Emotional closeness and feeling safe

The second and more decisive component of attraction is emotional closeness. The latter is experienced when we feel safe enough to be fully open with someone, as well as experiencing reciprocity. Our nervous systems communicate at a subconscious level, and our bodies are pretty good at picking up signals from others around safety.

Attraction and emotional wellbeing

How does this contribute to understanding if someone is genuinely attracted to you, and how does it allow you to build healthier connections? Below are a few points to consider:

How much eye contact is made, and how intense is the gaze?

Our brains are constantly picking up sensory information from the environment and only pay attention to or focus on what is interesting. An intense and long gaze indicates a high level of attention. Someone with neurodiversity may find eye contact difficult, so just keep this in mind.

How comfortable is it to be with this person?

Our nervous systems communicate at subconscious levels, which is called neuroception. Dr Stephen Porges identified 3 states which we experience throughout the day, every day:

• State 1: Our vital functions, such as heart rate, breathing rate, or body temperature, are within a baseline rate (average heart rate is 60bpm, but yours may be different). This state enables connection and engagement with others.
  
  
• State 2: Our vital functions are hyper-aroused (above baseline rate). This is experienced when we detect a threat in the environment and our brain gauges that we can take action against it – our “fight or flight” response. This will signal nervousness, unease and is likely to raise a similar response from the other person, as states are communicative.
  
  
• State 3: Our vital functions are hypo-aroused (below baseline rate). This state is usually experienced when we detect a threat which our brain gauges as too big to take action – we shut down.

Feeling comfortable is a reflection of being in state 1 and likely to indicate a feeling of safety in the presence of the other person. Feeling safe is conducive to helping the brain feel pleasure rather than pain.

Is there reciprocity?

Reciprocity implies that both parties are engaged with one another, a bit like a dance where two people are in sync with the music. Reciprocity also implies mirroring, which in turn also creates engagement and builds emotional closeness.

If you can see the above 3 points on display, then there is a very good chance that attraction and perhaps more are involved in the relationship with this other person, allowing you to build healthier connections.

Building healthier relationships

Understanding what attraction is and why we feel attracted is a key component to building healthy relationships. To make that assessment, we need to have great self-awareness, as most of the points above relate to oneself, something psychosexual and relationship therapy can help with.