Trauma recovery: Overcoming shame and embracing healing

Trauma has become a commonly used term in today's society which can be used to describe anything from minor inconveniences like a long wait at the doctor’s office or losing a favourite item to actual experiences of threat or danger. The modern-day colloquial misuse of the word trauma can create feelings of confusion, shame, and isolation for those who have actually lived through (or are currently experiencing) trauma in their lives.

Understanding what trauma truly is and the different forms it can take is often the first step toward healing and making sense of our experiences. With this in mind, let’s consider what trauma is, the different ways it can show up and how therapy can support you through this journey.

What is trauma?

At its core, trauma refers to an emotional response to a distressing event or a series of events that overwhelm an individual’s ability to cope. This can manifest in various forms - physical, psychological, or emotional - and often leave deep, lasting imprints on the survivor. Understanding trauma through a broader lens reveals that it can result from both actions (something that happened that shouldn’t have) as well as inactions (something that didn’t happen that should have).

For example, a traumatic experience that shouldn’t have happened could be a significant event like an accident, assault, abuse or natural disaster. For others, trauma may stem from needs that weren’t met such as neglect, emotional abuse, or the absence of a nurturing environment. The latter often leads to feeling unseen or unloved, creating a profound void in our emotional landscape.

It’s important to note that the above are just some examples of how trauma can manifest but these are not all-encompassing. Trauma isn't something we can simply decide or label based on the event itself, such as a ‘car crash’ or ‘emotional abuse’; rather, it depends on an individual's internal resources and their subjective experience of the event.

Two individuals could experience the same situation, yet only one may feel traumatised by it.

What distinguishes something as trauma is when an experience overwhelms a person's ability to cope, leading them to perceive it as a threat to their well-being and safety. How a person processes and feels about the incident ultimately determines whether it becomes a traumatic experience for them and is subjective.

Internalised shame and self-blame

One of the most damaging effects of trauma is the tendency for survivors to internalise their experiences, often leading to an overwhelming sense of shame. People often convince themselves that they were somehow at fault for what happened. They believe, “If only I had done something differently…”. This harsh self-blame can impact a person’s identity and self-worth profoundly and keep the painful cycle of trauma alive. 

We particularly observe this with many survivors of relational-based trauma (e.g. abusive or neglectful parenting as well as domestic abuse). The reason for this can be that it can be more painful to accept that the people who are supposed to love us can also hurt us and this conflict often leads to victims internalising the blame and viewing themselves as the reason for the trauma.

Carrying the heavy burden of shame for other people’s actions inevitably leads to further isolation. It also makes seeking help more difficult and can evoke a fear of judgement from others (“Will they also agree that I am the problem here and what will that mean for me?”) Social stigmas surrounding mental health also exacerbate this cycle, causing people to mistakenly view asking for help as a sign of weakness.

A key part of processing trauma is being able to recognise that what happened to you was not your fault. Responding to trauma is not a weakness and choosing to show up for yourself and make change is an incredible act of strength.

The role of therapy in healing

If you are questioning whether to seek therapy, allow yourself to reflect on the potential benefits of talking to someone who understands these complexities and can help you to navigate them. Therapy provides a safe environment where you can explore the roots of your trauma, begin to unlearn harmful narratives and embrace your journey toward healing.

Going to therapy involves openness and vulnerability, which can be challenging, especially if you have experienced hurt or betrayal. However, you deserve to be seen and heard, regardless of what you have been through or what you have had to do to survive it. Psychologists are uniquely equipped to support you in this journey, providing a non-judgmental space for healing, talking about what has happened and learning healthy ways to cope.

Trauma is an emotional response to distressing events that overwhelm a person’s ability to cope, resulting in deep, lasting imprints that vary greatly from person to person. If trauma has woven itself into your life, know that what happened to you was not your fault. It’s true that trauma never truly leaves us; however, we can grow around it and regain our sense of self and purpose beyond those experiences.

Remember that processing trauma with a trusted person or psychologist is a vital step for growing around the trauma, reclaiming your narrative and moving forward with confidence.