Tis the season to be... selfish?
Are you saying “Yes” to hosting the festivities when inside you’re screaming “No! I need a break”? Or are you saying “No” to invitations to spend the holidays in a new way when you’re desperate to shout, “Heck Yeah, I’m there!”

Doing something different often feels effortful especially when this might not match the wishes of our nearest and dearest, or is just unexpected. It can help you look at the costs and benefits of sticking to old routines or continuing not being true to yourself. It may pay to work out why doing things differently is important to you.
We tend to assume who we are is pretty fixed but our identity actually may be more fluid, like our values and behaviours. For clients with a decision to make, I offer an exercise that entails choosing their most important values from a list of about 75 which include things like achievement, inner harmony, family, helping, or time freedom. (They are also encouraged to add any of their own too). First, they choose their most important 10, whittle to five and then, if possible, choose their one most meaningful value. This highlights whether they feel they are living in alignment with their most important value(s) and emphasises any competing priorities – the issue at the heart of the problem here.
It's useful to investigate whether you are making conscious choices that fit your values. Also, are these really yours or are they inherited or reflective of others’ expectations of you? Caring about family or community is one thing, but living at odds with your own values can lead to feeling unfulfilled, frustrated, burnt out or resentful.
Journalling is another tool which many of my clients use to discover and reflect on what is in their hearts and minds. Another effective way to do this is to develop a mindfulness practice. These methods are both also useful for noticing thought patterns which drive our actions and feelings. They help check if we’re living in a way that feels right for us and our identity. It’s vital to carry out these methods with an attitude of compassion, curiosity, acceptance and non-judgement. Any difficulties thrown up can be talked about and explored within the safety of a therapeutic relationship.
In her ‘Top 5 Regrets of the Dying’, Bronnie Ware found that number 1 on the list was that people wished they’d had the courage to be true to themselves, not the life others expected of them. And third, was wishing they had had the courage to express their feelings.
Note the word ‘courage’ here. It can feel selfish sometimes to do or say what we truly wish to or we can feel guilty about it. But perhaps there’s such a thing as healthy selfishness. I often tell my clients who feel guilty about looking after their own needs something I learned at my first mindfulness workshop. It is simply to bear in mind the instructions given on a plane: if the air pressure changes and oxygen masks are needed we must put these on ourselves even before young children and frail people. This probably isn’t instinctive but essential for the benefit of all.
Humans have evolved to care about what others think of them to some degree. Nobody wants to feel rejected, lonely and disconnected. Safety, security and belonging are basic needs, as shown in Maslow’s hierarchy. But so is esteem, which covers self-respect and freedom, and of course, self-actualisation, that is, reaching your potential, and being the best version of yourself.
But you can care too much about what other people think. People pleasing involves habitually seeking others’ approval to the detriment of your own needs. You can also fall into the trap of assuming you know what others are thinking and end up guessing they are criticising you somehow. Although old patterns of behaviour can be ‘sticky’, with practice, these can change.
Dr Julie Smith suggests maintaining meaningful connections while not constantly fearing disapproval by adopting some ways of managing criticism:
- Learn to accept constructive criticism while holding onto your self-worth.
- Be open to learning from negative feedback.
- Practice not absorbing criticisms that are informed by others’ values.
- Know the opinions that matter to you so that you are aware of when to reflect and learn and when to let some opinions be.
Others’ criticisms reflect their values and experiences which are not facts and have nothing to do with who you are. Honing self-awareness and attuning to what you need may highlight the need for some boundaries. These are a way of communicating what you need to feel emotionally, psychologically, energetically and physically safe.
It matters how these are set. Sarah Crosby states that done healthily, boundaries:
- keep you safe
- allow responsibility for what is yours
- enable others to take responsibility for themselves
- improve your relationships
- develop intimacy
- assist with not feeling manipulated, taken for granted or resentful
- help you to decide who and what you want in your life
- help distinguish your own feelings, thoughts and identity from others
- demonstrate self-respect
Boundaries can be strict, wishy-washy or healthy. Sarah Crosby says healthy boundaries involve saying “no”- guilt-free; communicating needs and wants; maintaining personal values; and accepting others’ values and decisions. She says that balance is key, but that if boundary setting is new to you, it is wise to veer towards being strict.
Sarah Crosby points out myths surrounding setting boundaries that relate to fears about:
- Alienating others - However, as boundaries concern being respectful to yourself and others, often more connection and intimacy result.
- Selfishness - Yet the clarity of boundaries helps everyone. Overwhelm and resentment are less likely, and there is more chance of feeling authentic and maintaining energy.
- Being bossy - But it’s not about manipulation or demanding expectations, but of requesting preferences.
- It’s anti-family - Yet behaviour that is unacceptable to an individual is such in or outside the family.
Therefore, boundaries offer:
- short-term discomfort over long-term resentment
- self-respect over self-sabotage
- well-being over burnout
- genuine connection over people-pleasing
While setting boundaries is a very personal endeavour, Sarah Crosby suggests some general tips including being clear about your limits and communicating these assertively; and deciding on and sticking to the consequences of transgressed boundaries.
She also advises avoiding misunderstandings, annoyance or stress by using statements like:
- “I appreciate that idea but I’d like to...”
- “I’d love to… but I need… Let’s agree on something that suits us both”
- “I love spending time with you but at the moment my needs are to … Can we agree to … instead?”
- “I understand you’re frustrated but I need to…”
- “I know you care but I choose… “
- “I hear you, but I need to make decisions that work for me. If you can respect that, we can talk more.”
How others respond to your boundaries is not in your control but how you relate to others is. This can be a tough ask with loved ones, especially if your limits are consistently pushed against. If this happens, consider sharing how this feels with a friend or if more support and guidance is needed, counselling can be an option.
If the holiday season feels full of commitments and responsibilities, bear in mind Sarah Crosby’s assertion that “We love not just through speech but through action.” Remember your reasons for your boundaries, including your well-being and view them as an investment in your relationships while respecting yourself and your worth.
References:
Crosby, S. (2020) Five Minute Therapy. London: Penguin Books (Kindle)
Dr. Smith, J. (2022) Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? London: Penguin Random House
Ware, B. (2019) Top Five Regrets of The Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing. Australia: McPherson’s Printing Group
