The silent treatment...what is it and what can I do differently?

Our relational patterns are often inherited from our experiences growing up of watching our parents or carers relate to each other. They may have related well, be able to navigate conflict through discussion - even if heated and be able to repair when needed. However, often patterns we imbibe are not so straightforward, they may involve - withdrawal, silence (stonewalling), anger or rage or direct attack. 

‘The silent treatment’ is a form of withdrawal. I will not respond, acknowledge or converse with you. I may be physically here but emotionally I have ‘checked out’. This is a form of punishment/retaliation/communication of my anger etc etc etc. It is a passive form of response but for those on the receiving end, it may feel hostile, alienating, triggering or any other such negative emotion. 

The ‘silent treatment’ can be thought of a little differently from ‘stonewalling’. Stonewalling also involves withdrawal from the other person but it can involve activation of our ‘fight/flight’ response where the person is ‘flooded’ overwhelmed and cannot function, their brain shuts down and they retreat from a place of survival, whereas the retreat and withdrawal using the silent treatment can have the intent of hurting the other person. 

It is likely that if this is how you tend to respond to others when your feelings have been hurt, then this is what you observed in others when you were growing up. 

What to do about it? Acknowledging that this is where you go is a very helpful, honest first step. 

Over time what will help is to continue to observe yourself ‘going there’ and try a different tack. If you are in a relationship what will help you will be to be honest with your partner. ‘When I feel hurt/angry/unacknowledged….’ I tend to retreat, to withdraw and not speak for hours/days… I am trying hard not to do this as it makes me feel lonely/sad/alienated from you when I really want to talk to you about how I feel. And with patience and lots of practise, you will start to see that you can change this way of relating. It may be 2 steps forward, and 1 step back but with time you will shift the balance. 

If you feel that you or your partner are more ‘flooded’, take a break for 10/20/30 minutes or longer and return to the conversation when you have had a chance to take a breath, calm down a little and help your brain get ‘back online’ will be important and essential.  Openly acknowledging that this is how you react will give you both the opportunity and the language to navigate difficult conversations  

A different way of responding could also be something like, ‘ I feel hurt, I want to leave and not speak to you, but I want you to know that what you said has upset me’.
This takes courage and lots of self-compassion, it may not come easily at first but with practise, it will start to feel more natural.