Understanding childhood emotional neglect in adulthood

What is childhood emotional neglect? 

Childhood emotional neglect refers to a lack of emotional support and a failure of caregivers to respond to their child’s emotional needs. This article explores the impact of childhood emotional neglect and makes some suggestions for how psychotherapy can help adults who have experienced this as children.

Emotional neglect vs physical neglect

Children who have suffered from physical neglect are often much easier to identify compared to children who have suffered from emotional neglect.

The term ‘child neglect’ typically raises thoughts of children who are neglected in a physical sense, who have not had their basic needs provided. A physically neglected child may look unkempt and uncared for; they may not have been provided with nourishing food or had appropriate medical care.

In addition, they may live in unsafe environments or perhaps not have a home at all. Some physically neglected children may also have been abused, and there may be obvious signs of this. Society is increasingly able to recognise and help children in this position. 

How does emotional neglect differ from physical neglect? 

Childhood emotional neglect often occurs alongside physical neglect, but this is not always the case. Some children have all their physical needs provided, but they have still been neglected in an emotional sense. This means that their emotional needs have not been adequately recognised and taken care of.

Some examples of emotional neglect include failing to respond to a child’s emotions (e.g. a baby crying), failure to support a child when then ask for help (e.g. bullying at school), not addressing conflict between siblings (e.g. not intervening when problems occur in the family), or ignoring a child’s achievements (e.g. not praising them when they have done well at school). Some parents may argue and fight with each other, failing to recognise the impact that this has on their children. Other parents may lean on their children for support, and may not recognise the child’s inability to cope with the adult emotions that their parents are putting on them. 

Why emotional neglect can be so hard to spot

Children who are being emotionally neglected can be very difficult to identify. Their basic physical needs may be met, and from the outside, family life can appear stable and caring. There may be no obvious signs that these children are neglected, and it may appear to onlookers that everything is fine. This is because emotional neglect can be very difficult to observe, and in families where physical neglect does not take place, the emotional neglect often goes undetected. 

Why does emotional neglect take place? 

While emotional neglect can be a deliberate act by caregivers, it may not always be done intentionally. Some parents might not have the emotional skills or capacity themselves to be able to support their children in the way in which they need. These caregivers may be oblivious or insensitive to their child’s distress or developmental needs, not recognising when their child needs support. They are not able to validate a child’s emotional experience and do not provide an adequate response to the child’s emotional distress. 

The impact of emotional neglect in adults

Patterns developed during childhood can often be repeated during our adult years. Children who do not have their emotional needs met can learn that their feelings are not important, and in some cases, this can manifest in adults who have low self-esteem and difficulties in relating to others, for example.

Children who experience emotional neglect may learn to prioritise other people’s needs above their own, which can result in adults who are not able to put themselves first. For some adults, unmet emotional needs may show up as anxiety, depression, or feelings of loneliness.

How can psychotherapy help? 

Psychotherapy can help adults who have experienced childhood emotional neglect to understand their past experiences and process the impact that this may have had on them. This would involve working with a therapist to look back over their childhood and enable them to understand how their emotional connections with their caregivers have impacted them. 

It can often be a difficult journey to explore the impact of childhood emotional neglect, as in some cases, you may not be used to focusing on your emotional experiences and might be unaware that emotional neglect has even taken place.

Working with a skilled therapist can help you work through these emotions in a supportive and empathic way. This, in turn, can help you to understand the difficulties from your past and find new ways to move forward in the future.