The science of love: How it shapes our connections
Human beings are hard-wired to seek connection with others. To love and be loved in return is a constant quest for the majority of people. But what happens in our brains when we experience love? And how does this experience evolve?
What is love?
Love can be defined in both objective and subjective terms, but it is most and foremost an individual experience. We all love differently because we have learnt and developed in different ways. The combination of our biological variances and the environment in which we evolve provides good grounds for us to feel love differently, however small that difference may be.
Love is a universal experience because, no matter where in the world we are or what our culture and beliefs are, we experience relationships that can be of all nature (romantic, friendship, kinship, etc). It is a basic human need which makes love a lot more than just an emotion - it's a fundamental part of the human experience.
How culture shapes the expression of love
Love can manifest in different ways, and different cultures will express love differently. Eastern cultures are less demonstrative than Western cultures, for example, but it doesn’t mean that love is not experienced with the same intensity.
Social expectations play a large part in the way we learn to express our emotions and feelings privately and in public. This can play a big role in creating misunderstandings in relationships because we interpret the other person’s behaviour from our perspective when we should try to step in their shoes and see the world from there to understand. We need to be brave enough to keep our doubts and anxiety at bay and be curious about the other’s perspective.
Why connection is essential for survival
Bonding and love are fundamental elements for our very survival as a species. The human brain is the only mammal brain which continues to develop after birth for about two years. This creates a dependency between the infant and the adult. The quality of that relationship will establish the future blueprint of how the infant will learn to love and be loved.
When we experience love, four chemicals in our body and brain play a key part in that experience:
Oxytocin, the feel-good hormone, allows us to feel more self-confident by reducing the activity in the amygdala, a part of the brain which manages fear and anxiety.
Dopamine, which works alongside oxytocin, is the chemical which will enable us to take action. Oxytocin will make us feel relaxed, but without dopamine, nothing will happen. Dopamine is released when experiencing joy, which could be anything from eating a delicious meal, spending quality time with the family or just cuddling someone.
Serotonin is often referred to when talking about mental health, including obsessive compulsive behaviour. Regulating our levels of serotonin helps with mental health conditions, and when it comes to love, it also helps create a little bit of obsession, which in turn helps us stay together in the long term.
Finally, beta-endorphin is released when we are in contact with the source of our joy, which could be when dancing, singing or being with someone else. It has a similar effect to opioids, where coming away from the source of joy will trigger symptoms of withdrawal, making us more desirous to go back to our source of joy.
These four chemicals are key components when we fall in love. Different parts of the brain will be active at different stages of the relationship.
The evolving experience of love
In the first couple of years of a relationship, also called the limerence period, oxytocin and dopamine will be found in large quantities in a region of the brain called the nucleus accumbens, which is close to our emotional centre. This enables us to experience love on two levels: consciously, with feelings of trust and empathy and unconsciously, with feelings of lust and passion.
Oxytocin and dopamine play an important role at the start of a relationship because they make the brain more prone to learning, also called plasticity of the brain. The additional learning is important to create a bond with another person.
After the limerence period, the level of chemicals starts to drop to more normal levels, and the experience of love moves towards our pre-frontal cortex - our planning side of the brain. Love becomes more rational and pragmatic in a way.
Navigating the changing experience of love
Learning that there are different stages in our experience of love is key to avoiding disappointment and misunderstandings in relationships.
Understanding that the limerence period is a little bit special is fundamental in managing expectations in relationships. At the start of a relationship, our brains are programmed to make us act in a way which is a bit more enthusiastic than our baseline behaviour. The latter will resume at the end of the limerence period.
Sometimes, relationships struggle because people feel they don’t know each other after being together for a couple of years. Communication and understanding of each other’s needs will be essential to go past that stage and learn to transition into the more pragmatic and rational experience of love.
Love is complex and requires nurturing for relationships to last. A therapist with relationship counselling experience can help navigate this complexity and support partners in finding ways to understand and get through big life transitions. This would be done by supporting the grieving process of what has been lost and reconnecting with the new phase of love between the partners.
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