The gift of perspective: Parenting a neurodivergent child

Parenting is full of unexpected moments, but few are as enlightening as those that teach us to see the world through our children's eyes. This morning, a seemingly mundane situation - a smell wafting from the kitchen - became a powerful lesson in understanding sensory sensitivities and the importance of empathy when raising a child with autism.

What started as a peaceful morning turned into a whirlwind of emotion when my daughter, calm and smiling just moments before, erupted into a meltdown. Her cries of "You made my room smell!" baffled me at first, but I quickly realised that the scent of browned beef, which had been prepared for the slow cooker - so comforting to me - was overwhelming her heightened sense of smell.

From confusion to connection

In the past, I might have responded with frustration or a lack of understanding, seeing her reaction as disproportionate. But, over time, I have learned to meet her where she is, to step into her world instead of trying to force her into mine. By opening her window and lighting a candle to counter the smell, I was able to offer her a sense of control and relief. It was a small adjustment, but it made all the difference.

This moment of connection came from a deeper awareness I’ve developed through learning about autism and sensory challenges. It hasn’t always been this way. There were years of confusion, misinterpretation, and, honestly, guilt for not realising sooner that my daughter wasn’t being “naughty” or “difficult.” She was struggling.

Shifting perspective

Our journey began when her behaviours intensified after her father and I separated. What I initially dismissed as typical childhood reactions soon revealed deeper patterns of sensory overload and difficulty adapting to change. As I awaited her formal autism diagnosis, I decided to educate myself through a course on understanding autism.

This course was transformative. It opened my eyes to the invisible battles my daughter faces every day. Her world is filled with sensory experiences that most of us can filter out without effort but, for her, these can be overwhelming or even painful. Understanding this allowed me to see her meltdowns not as defiance but as a form of communication - a plea for help in managing an environment that feels hostile.

At the same time, her neurodivergence has brought unparalleled beauty into our lives. My daughter’s awe at the world is a constant reminder to slow down and appreciate the magic around us. She notices the smallest details I might otherwise overlook - the vibrant colour of a leaf, the soothing feel of waves crashing against her feet, the rhythmic sound of the tide pulling out over the rocks. These moments, seen through her eyes, have reignited my own sense of wonder and gratitude for the world we live in.

Growing together

Through empathy and education, I’ve learned to regulate my own emotions when she is struggling. It’s not easy to stay calm during a meltdown, especially when emotions run high. But taking that deep breath, getting down to her level, and acknowledging her feelings has helped me guide her through those stormy moments.

Each day is a challenge and a learning curve, and I’ve realised the importance of involving her in decisions about her life. Gauging things from her perspective - whether it’s how to prepare dinner or plan for transitions, has been crucial in helping her navigate life’s challenges. I thought I had all the answers before as the parent, but she has taught me the value of being open to learning alongside her.

As a counsellor, empathising is part of my job. But with my daughter, I’ve had to dig even deeper to truly understand her world and her needs. That professional training has helped, but the real growth has come from the daily practice of stepping into her shoes and finding ways to support her while honouring who she is.

A message to other parents

For anyone on a similar journey, my advice is simple: educate yourself, forgive yourself, and above all, empathise. Learning about neurodiversity doesn’t just help you support your child - it transforms the way you see the world. What once felt like chaos becomes an opportunity for connection and growth, deepening the bond between you and your child.

Our home isn’t perfect, meltdowns still happen, and I don’t always get it right. We face new challenges every day, but each one is met with more understanding and less judgment. Autism hasn’t just shaped my daughter’s life, it has transformed mine, offering both challenges and the privilege of seeing the world as she does.

For that, I am profoundly grateful.