The boundary seesaw: Understanding healthy emotional boundaries

We are told boundaries are important in every healthy relationship, with children, partners, parents and even colleagues. Yet in real life, boundaries are rarely simple. Many people confuse love with rescuing and kindness with over-functioning.

We might step in to help because we care, because we feel guilty or because we want to avoid conflict. Over time, what starts as support can become a pattern that keeps someone stuck and leaves us exhausted.

Hamilton’s Boundary Seesaw Model (2010) offers a clear way to understand this shift and to recognise when helping becomes enabling.

What do boundaries actually mean, and why do they matter?

A boundary is not simply saying no. It is the line between what is my responsibility and what is yours. It is the difference between support and rescue. It is the difference between care and control.

Hamilton’s Boundary Seesaw Model (2010) is a useful way to understand why boundaries can become blurred and why some relationship roles feel loving, but can quietly become damaging over time. This model highlights three relational positions, Controller, Negotiator, and Pacifier, and shows how boundaries can become either too fixed, too flexible, or balanced and healthy. 

The seesaw effect in real life

The model describes a common dynamic in relationships. When one person becomes more controlling or more responsible, the other often becomes less responsible. It is like a seesaw. The more one side goes down, the more the other side rises.

In the Controller position, boundaries become fixed and rigid. The person may appear strong, organised or “in charge.” But underneath, there is often anxiety, fear of chaos, or a need to manage other people’s behaviour to feel safe.

In the Pacifier position, boundaries become too flexible. The person may appear caring, loyal and supportive. But, they can become over-involved, over-responsible and emotionally exhausted.

In the centre is the Negotiator. This is where boundaries are firm but flexible. The negotiator nurtures and empowers, without rescuing. They are involved but not enmeshed. They care but do not carry.

Hamilton (2010) reminds us that boundaries are healthiest when responsibility is shared, and emotional safety is protected.

When helping is not helping

One of the most difficult truths in therapy is that helping can sometimes become harmful.

Helping becomes unhelpful when it prevents someone from learning to cope. It can remove natural consequences and block emotional growth. It can also quietly communicate, “I do not trust you to manage without me.”

This is where a powerful question comes in: When does the pacifier become the enabler?

The pacifier may soothe distress in the moment. They step in quickly, fix problems, soften consequences and reduce discomfort. But over time, this can create dependency. The other person may stop taking responsibility, stop reflecting and stop changing.

The pacifier then feels resentful and drained, yet guilty at the thought of stepping back.

How the seesaw shows up in families

In families, these roles often develop early.

With children, a parent may rescue too quickly because they cannot bear to see distress. This might look like doing homework for them, solving social issues for them, or removing every obstacle. The child may then grow up believing discomfort is dangerous and independence is risky.

With parents, many adults remain stuck in the role of negotiator long after childhood has ended. They manage moods, smooth conflict, and carry emotional responsibility. They may feel they are not allowed to set limits, especially if a parent is critical, fragile or controlling.

With partners, the seesaw can become deeply painful. One person becomes the organiser, the emotional regulator and the relationship repairer. The other becomes passive, avoidant, or entitled. Intimacy suffers because the relationship starts to feel more like parenting than partnership.

Recognising control and learning to challenge it

Control is not always loud. It can be obvious, such as criticism, anger, or intimidation. It can also be quiet, such as guilt, sulking, withdrawal or emotional pressure.

A useful question to ask is this: Do I have boundaries that allow this?

If we repeatedly tolerate controlling behaviour, we teach others that control works. We also shrink ourselves in the process. Healthy boundaries do not punish. They protect.

What does the negotiator sound like?

The negotiator role often feels unfamiliar to people who grew up over-responsible. It can feel uncomfortable at first because it involves allowing someone else to feel discomfort and manage their own emotions.

The negotiator can sound like:

• “I hear you, and I am not able to do that for you.”
• “I care about you, and I need to be clear about what I can offer.”
• “I trust you to handle this.”
• “I will support you, but I will not rescue you.”
• “That is your choice, and these are my limits.”

This is not coldness. It is emotional maturity. It is respect for both people in the relationship.

Where do you fit on the seesaw?

Many of us move between roles depending on the relationship we are in. A helpful reflection is:

• Do I rescue or over-function?
• Do I avoid conflict by giving in?
• Do I feel responsible for other people’s feelings?
• Do I fear being disliked if I say no?
• Do I confuse being needed with being loved?

Boundaries are not about building walls. They are about creating a healthier balance. When the seesaw steadies, relationships become clearer, calmer and more honest.

Hamilton’s Boundary Seesaw Model (2010) gives us a simple but powerful reminder. Healthy boundaries are not about controlling others or abandoning them. They are about staying connected without losing yourself.

References

Hamilton, J. (2010). The Boundary Seesaw Model.