Supporting your neurodivergent children

Parenting neurodivergent (ND) children can be tough, with many schools causing their ND students excessive and unnecessary distress, usually through ignorance or lack of awareness and understanding. As a parent, if you are also neurodivergent, then it can be even more challenging.

So how can you best support your ND kids?

Learn as much as you can about your child’s diagnosis

While reading up on your child’s labels can feel daunting, it is invaluable, as it can help you find easier ways to work with your child that make fewer demands on you.

These days, you don’t even have to read if reading isn’t your thing – you can watch reels or videos from appropriate influencers, but do make sure you get recommendations from friends and family, or from any professionals that support you. Alternatively, you can try to follow a wide range of people – not everyone is informed, but over time, you will be able to figure out who is worth listening to, or who shares approaches that feel most aligned with how you would like to parent.

1. Your child may have a single label or multiple labels. Things like ADHD, autism, dyspraxia, dyslexia, demand avoidance, etc. These can be different if they are ‘standalone’ versus ‘combined’.

2. Notice how your child’s neurotype shows itself on the outside – what do you see at home, as their parent? How do others see your child – people like wider family members, their friends or teachers?

3. Start to become aware of your child’s triggers and needs. For example, do they have a low social battery, do they experience sensory overload, are there certain trigger points in the day or specific activities that are more likely to lead to strong reactions?

Research ways to support your child based on their biology

If you understand what is going on inside your child and how this relates to what you see on the outside, it is easier to figure out how to support your child more effectively.  

1. For example, ADHD brains struggle to regulate dopamine, which is produced when we’re interested in or excited about something. When low in ADHD, your child may lose the ability to focus on boring things, they may feel restless or agitated, or start picking fights.

If we can help our ADHD kids boost their dopamine levels, then they will be able to do more of the ‘boring’ things, such as getting dressed, homework, eating, tidying up or doing any task that feels boring. Things that might help include:

• protein snacks
• movement such as pushing things, spinning or jumping
• watching something funny

2. If your child experiences sensory overload when they come home from school, they may need an hour (or two) of quiet alone time, reading, or on a computer, whatever helps them to regulate. Sensory issues can be increased by tiredness, hunger or thirst.

3. If food generally is an issue, join online groups to help you find creative ways to add extra nutrients into their diet – if their difficulties seem more than most, you may need to contact a dietitian or psychologist, as they may have ARFID, and this requires a very different support approach.

4. If your child does experience any form of sensory overload, create a home with reduced sensory demands:

• have earplugs or ear defenders to hand
• use dimmer lighting
• ensure materials are comfortable – clothes, blankets, etc.
• make alarm notifications quieter where possible
• if smells are an issue, reduce the use of scented products at home

5. Think about how to help your children (and yourself!) regulate when feeling dysregulated. Some examples might include:

• reduction of sensory overload
• breathing exercises
• co-regulation with a calm adult

6. Think about what works best for each family to help reduce anxiety:

• breathing techniques – blowing bubbles is an easy one for everyone!
• pressure on the body through massage or being wrapped tightly in a blanket
• doing something that makes you laugh
• calming activities such as drawing or playing with slime

7. For many kids, just before and just after school are trigger times. Think about reducing demands where you can:

• If they struggle with putting socks on, do it for them – leave teaching moments for the weekend.
• If combing long hair in the mornings is a challenge, do it the night before and put it into a braid.
• Use water for brushing teeth if toothpaste feels too much in the mornings.
• Offer safe foods.

8. If your child is struggling with school, they may need adaptations to be made. If school feels impossible, it can help to allow them a sick day off school, to recover and restore their energy.

Unfortunately, the education system is still failing many neurodivergent families and blaming parents – you are not alone, and it is not your fault if your child is finding school difficult or refusing to attend because of unsupported needs.

Inappropriate or insufficient adaptations made by schools sometimes lead to some families choosing home schooling or (private/fee-charging) online schools. If your family has the privilege to choose these routes, they may be worth considering for your child.

While many neurodivergent children manage to successfully navigate school, it is important to remember that the ‘traditional’ route can often not be the right route for some, and there are always alternatives – taking exams in early adulthood or later, undertaking training or apprenticeships, or self-employment.

9. It can help to find other local parents and neurodivergent families in the same position as your family. You will have more strength with support from people who understand and who do not gaslight your everyday existence.

10. Even if you have everything possible in place, your child may still struggle. This is when you might consider professional support, such as dietitians, physiotherapists, occupational therapists, speech therapists, and counsellors that specialise in neurodivergence – many of whom you can find here.

Finally, many parents may also be going through a journey of neurodivergent diagnosis or self-diagnosis. It is likely you were not brought up with neurodivergent or gentle parenting techniques, and may be carrying trauma from your childhood. Changing how you parent to better support your kids can be liberating, but it can bring grief with it – if only I had been supported this way, how much easier life would have been – and it can be exhausting, as we don’t have a blueprint for parenting this way.

If this resonates with you, please remember to be gentle on yourself. We are living in a world that can be too much, and we are just learning how to get our own needs met while supporting our children at the same time. It can be hard, and it is ok to make mistakes. You are not alone. We can walk this journey together.