Why connection and relationships matter

“We live our lives inscrutably included within the streaming mutual life of the universe.” - Martin Buber.

“We are all storytellers – we make stories to make sense of our lives. But it is not enough to tell tales. There must be someone to listen.” - Stephen Grosz.

Relationships are like breathing; they keep us alive and are absolutely central to our survival. Our natural striving for contact is one of the essential building blocks of human life. We wouldn’t be who we are without other people in our lives to influence, inform, soothe and regulate our experience.

How relationships shape our sense of self

As individuals, we begin a relationship when we are conceived and are born into a world where it is inevitable that, if we are to survive, let alone function healthily. Our desire and ability to seek interaction with others is present from earliest infancy, and it is through mutual contact and communication with our caregivers that we learn to establish and maintain the boundaries between ourselves and others.

As a baby begins to recognise its caregiver as separate and distinct from itself, it also begins to experience where “I” ends and the rest of the world begins; the experience of ‘self’ as individual and separate is born out of relationship, out of the recognition of the ‘other.’ Interpersonal contact helps us discover that you and I are separate. You could say that we discover something of who we are by coming into contact with others.

The quality of our early interactions with caregivers can influence how we learn to relate to ourselves and others later in life. Our formative relationships may lay some of the foundations for the way we respond to our needs and to the needs of those around us.

No parenting is ever perfect, however, and even adequate or “good enough” parenting can leave us with beliefs about who we think we must be to deserve the love of those around us – sometimes described as conditions of worth.

But whether as children we experienced less than adequate modelling from our parents, or even outright abuse, other people can remain an important resource for our emotional wellbeing, and we can go on learning and revising the way we relate to others and ourselves throughout our lives.

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances; if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”

C. G. Jung.

Vulnerability and connection

Encounters in which there is mutual impact and openness can offer opportunities to develop new ways of relating. The therapeutic relationship is one such encounter and may provide an opportunity to explore and understand patterns that developed within other, earlier relationships.

The question we must ask ourselves is, to what extent can we be open and truly ourselves in any relationship?

Being open means allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. Our desire for connection can sometimes come into conflict with conditions of worth, creating shame and, ultimately, the fear of disconnection or rejection. In order for a true connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be really seen, warts and all.

That doesn’t mean it is a good idea to go around baring our soul to everyone we meet or ‘airing all our dirty laundry’ in public, but rather it demands perhaps that we, first of all, find the courage to seek connection with others even when we feel we don’t have anything to offer – when we’re feeling lousy and just want to connect, can we call up a friend and say, “Hey, are you free tonight? I could do with some company”, without offering dinner or a pint or whatever currency feels like suitable payment for their time and attention?

I once attended a talk on loneliness by the psychotherapist and broadcaster Philippa Perry, during which she asked everyone in the audience to turn to the people either side of us and share three things we were proud of or that had gone well for us that week.

The point of the exercise was to remind us of how we sometimes forget to share the good stuff, having been socialised not to blow our own trumpets. We find it easier to discuss the weather than to share something really meaningful.

Although these apparently more superficial exchanges about the weather, something we watched recently, or other forms of small talk are important relationally too, helping to establish connection; they play an integral part in social cohesion, in establishing common ground and the sparks of trust between individuals, paving the way for the more ‘intimate’ stuff later on.

Being ourselves in relationships

Meaningful connection with others relies on our being open and truly ourselves, not who we think we should be. This involves risking feeling vulnerable, but if we are able to be who we really are, we allow others to know and connect with us more authentically.

Perhaps the encouragement is simply this: to find the courage to be more fully ourselves in our relationships and to make room for others to do the same.