Rediscovering our lost parts

Throughout life, we all lose sight of ourselves, disowning parts of ourselves to perhaps avoid pain, to be loved, or simply to fit in. Sometimes we learn that certain traits, emotions, desires, or behaviours are simply unacceptable. These fragmented parts don’t disappear, they loiter beneath the surface of our identity, shaping the choices we make, the relationships we have, and our overall well-being.

Reintegration is the process of reclaiming these lost parts and bringing them back into harmony with our whole self. This journey isn’t just about self-acceptance, it’s about becoming whole.

Why do we disown parts of ourselves?

1. Social conditioning and early wounds

From childhood, we are subtly and overtly taught what is good and bad, and this shapes what we perceive to be our values, preferences, and opinions, believing them to be our own. Maybe you were told:

• ‘Don’t be so sensitive’, so you learn to be ‘tough’ by suppressing emotion.
• ‘You’re too needy’, so you shrink yourself and become ‘strong’ by losing sight of your authentic needs.
• ‘Stop being so loud’, so you dim your light by inhibiting your natural exuberance.

When we experience shame or rejection for expressing a part of ourselves, we learn to hide it. These parts get buried, often so deeply that we forget they were ever even there.

2. The Protective Self

Our mind can create a protective self, an identity or a mask which keeps us safe, helping us to navigate the world. Protection often comes at the cost of authenticity and connection, both with ourselves and with others. Anything the mask feels threatened by, such as emotions, desires, or truths that we have rejected, is suppressed and pushed aside to enable the mask to perpetuate the illusion of control.

3. Trauma and emotional splitting

When we experience deep emotional wounds, the psyche may split as a defence mechanism. This fragmentation, often seen in trauma survivors, creates parts that hold pain, anger, or fear, parts we disconnect from because they feel too overwhelming to face.

Signs of a fragmented self

Disowned parts don’t simply vanish; they manifest in elusive (and more overt) ways. We may find ourselves:

• Repeating patterns, attracting the same types of relationships or struggles, and wondering why this always happens to us.
• Having confusing emotional reactions that appear disproportionate to what has actually happened (this is known as a trigger).
• Experiencing a perpetual feeling of emptiness, that something is missing, although our external life exudes success.
• Inner conflict, when a part of ourselves wants something, but another part resists it, which can result in feeling indecisiveness and stuck.
• Judging or resenting qualities in others that you’ve rejected in yourself.

All of these symptoms are the mind’s way of signalling that there are parts of you which are waiting to be reclaimed.

The process of reintegrating disavowed parts

Healing fragmentation requires patience, courage, vulnerability, and time. Here are some steps to begin the process:

1. Identify the lost parts

Start by asking:

• What aspects of myself may I have denied?
• What emotions am I uncomfortable feeling?
• What do I secretly admire (or resent) in others that I don’t allow in myself?

Therapy and journalling can help bring these hidden parts to light, helping you to say the unsayable, and to develop the emotional awareness and robustness to feel what was previously unfelt.

2. Reconnect with compassion

Once you identify a lost part, lead with acceptance and curiosity, rather than judgement, frustration, or blame. For example, if you have suppressed your anger, be curious about:

• How this anger is trying to protect you?
• How I can express it in a healthy way, instead of repressing it?

Treat each part like a younger version of yourself, one that simply needs care, love, compassion, validation, and understanding. Explore how you can nurture these parts of yourself.

3. Embody the disowned qualities

Reintegration often requires change at a bodily level. If you’ve repressed your voice, consequently spending a lifetime feeling unheard, practice using your voice, both alone and with others. If your playfulness has disappeared beneath consciousness, give yourself permission to be silly without shame.

Although practising these strategies may initially feel stilted and unnatural, as you allow yourself to lean into these reclaimed qualities, you may find that they become accessible and spontaneous once more.

4. Release old identities

Often, we hold onto the ‘good person’ persona - someone who is kind, agreeable, or strong, someone who looks after the needs of others, if not their own. However, becoming whole means embracing both light and shadow. Allow yourself to be complicated and free yourself from the constraints of who you should be and become authentically and unapologetically you.

5. Create a safe space for expression

Seek or create environments where all of you is welcome, whether this is through therapy, art, movement, or simply deep and vulnerable conversations with those you trust. Practise showing up as your full self.

The power of reintegrating yourself

When you reclaim lost parts, as well as healing, you expand, becoming all of who you are. This means you can remove the blocks which were preventing you from trusting and accepting yourself and you will feel more genuine and decisive, your life feeling more aligned to your true self. You may find that you have more access to energy and creativity, feeling infinitely more motivated to live the life you truly want to be living.

The journey of reintegration isn’t about becoming someone new, it’s about giving yourself the permission and the space to become more of who you’ve always been, the person you were before the world got its hand on you.

Welcome yourself back home.