Playing with power: 5 things you may not know about BDSM

It seems that more people are opening up to the idea of exploring kink these days. As a sex positive therapist, I am certainly seeing an influx of people wanting to explore BDSM and particularly the idea of playing with power dynamics. While still seen as a little ‘taboo’ in society, the truth is most of us will have experienced some form of power dynamic when it comes to sex. 

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Authority transference still has some common misconceptions around it though, so here are some things that are useful to know if you are thinking about your journey into power play. In this article, I will refer to D/s which stands for dominance and submission.


What is power play?

So, what is power play? It is a consensual (and that is the key part) transfer of power. In this, you will essentially have two roles (in its simplistic form, although more than two people can get involved), the dominant and the submissive. The dominant being the more active role, and the submissive the more passive role. This can take place within sex, but it is certainly not limited to that with some people choosing to have full-time D/s relationships. Power dynamics exist all around us and in so many of our relationships anyway, kink is just choosing to consciously engage in them and choose how we use them.

So, here are five things that you may not know about D/s:

1. The people are equal

This may surprise you, but in D/s dynamics all parties involved are equal, it is the relationship dynamic and roles which are not. Much like in a dance you have one who leads and one who follows, but both have a valuable role. It is important in this style of play that all parties are getting their needs met, even if that need is to give up control or be treated as if you are ‘less than’. The dominant is there to meet the submissive's needs just as much as the submissive meets theirs, and they often have a lot of respect and admiration for what a sub will do.

2. There isn’t always a physical element

This goes for sex in general, but pleasure is not just about the physical aspects. Much of the pleasure derived from kink authority transference takes place in the mind. While we commonly see BDSM as all about whips and chains, that is just one facet and many people who identify as kinky do not enjoy pain at all. What they do like is the feeling they gain from taking on a role, pushing boundaries, engaging in desires and the intensity that can come from control or surrender. In fact, D/s isn’t always necessarily aggressive in its nature, some dynamics are purely about providing care.

3. It can help build communication and relationships

There was once a myth that relationships with D/s dynamics could not last, yet studies in America have found that this is definitely not the case. Research has shown that people engaging in BDSM feel closer to their partners, have better communication and are more able to get their needs met.

For dominance and submission to work in a healthy way, everyone involved must be clear on their needs and boundaries. As people felt more confident and safer expressing these with partners, they often found that they were then more able to access and discuss their emotions too. All of this led to greater intimacy. Openness about pleasure also helped build creativity in sex and ongoing growth in ways to bring each other pleasure.

4. It can allow us to engage with very different roles in life

While some people live their entire lives as their dominant or submissive selves. For others, it is about raking on a role that is not, or has not, always been available to them. For someone who is expected to be very responsible or take on a lot of control, there can be a real release in taking the submissive role in kink. In reverse the dominant role can be incredibly appealing to those who have felt disempowered or out of control in their day to day. Through this people can take back a sense of choice in their own lives and experience themselves in a very different way.

5. It’s a myth that it is always linked to trauma

Studies have shown that kinky people are no more traumatised than any other group, and in fact, report pretty good mental health. There will of course be those who have experienced trauma, and perhaps those who find kink healing, but you encounter people with trauma in every walk of life. For many kink is purely about pleasure and self-expression, a type of adult play. While it can be interesting to explore what kink is to people, sometimes we just enjoy what we enjoy.


BDSM, kink, and kink-aware therapy

Ultimately the thing many people misunderstand about BDSM and kink, is that it is about freedom. It is not about restriction. By playing with power dynamics, expectations, traditions, and normativity, there is a true freedom to be found. A place of real self-discovery and acceptance.

However, if this is to be engaged with then it is important to do your research. Communication, consent, boundaries and limits are all essential for practising in a safe way. When playing with power it is so vital that we have all of these in place, alongside being aware of any of our traumas or vulnerabilities. A kink-aware therapist can help you explore all of this and guide you in your journey.

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author. All articles published on Counselling Directory are reviewed by our editorial team.

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Liverpool L31 & London NW1
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Written by Katie Evans
BA(hons), Dip.Psych.
location_on Liverpool L31 & London NW1
Katie Evans is a private practice therapist and public speaker, specialising in gender, sexuality, relationships and abuse. She is also a survivor of narcissistic abuse in a romantic relationship. Her experiences inform her work and her desire to spe...
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