People pleasers - it’s time to flip the script

Do you find it difficult to say no? Does the thought of having to tell someone that you cannot fulfil their latest demand or request make you feel sick with worry, so you end up agreeing to do it?

The request may inconvenience you, or it may not even be your job to do it, but the feelings you will be consumed by if you don’t submit are just so unbearable that you will suck it up anyway and get on with it. Where do you think this stems from? 

People pleasing is a learned behaviour in which individuals ignore their own needs to please other people.

If you look back at your childhood, was it difficult to express yourself honestly? If you did speak up, did you suffer for it? Perhaps you grew up with a volatile parent or an emotionally cold parent and quickly learnt that to survive in your home, you must put your own needs to one side and put others before yourself? 

This pattern of behaviour is likely to have followed you through life, to the point where you now feel like your life isn’t your own, but you don’t know how to make changes. You may be coming to the realisation that you can’t carry on like this anymore.

If we look at the present day, do you feel like people walk all over you and take you for granted? Family, friends, work colleagues or parents at the school gate? What stops you from saying no? What feelings come up for you when you contemplate saying this out loud? 

Low self-esteem is a cause of people pleasing. Perhaps it took root in childhood as you navigated living in a home that felt unsafe. Growing up, you may have felt unwanted, so instead, you tried to make yourself feel needed.

It can be about wanting to be liked and held in high regard; the alternative is terrifying. You may be copying behaviours that you witnessed in one of your parents. Are they people pleasers, too? Do you hold the belief that it is somehow selfish to say no? 

The cumulative effect of putting others before yourself can cause exhaustion, resentment and a lack of self-identity. It can result in you being unable to connect with your inner needs and wants. You move through life on autopilot. 

How counselling can help you reconnect with yourself

The implementation of boundaries is a key factor in working towards flipping this lifelong script, which is no longer fit for purpose. It is OK to say no. You are not being nasty if you say no. It doesn’t make you a bad person. During the safety demonstrations on an aircraft, the cabin crew will always instruct you to put your oxygen mask on first before helping others. This is sound advice. You are important, your needs matter, and you are entitled to your peace. 

Have you become the default service human for the people around you? I have a question for you: Are the people doing the asking worthy of your care and investment, or are they just users? Be honest. 

Boundaries can support you in creating a healthier way of living. They will underpin your life, providing a framework that enables you to be more mindful and in tune with yourself. Boundaries can equip you to make decisions about where to focus your energy, with consideration for yourself and your needs. It’s not about never doing anything for anyone else ever again, but it is about making intentional choices regarding where you direct your precious time and energy, in a way that serves you and aligns with your values. 

You might decide to keep volunteering with the PTA because supporting your child’s school is important to you; equally, you might start asking your siblings to share the load with regard to taking your parents to medical appointments, rather than you always being the one driving across town and running yourself ragged.

A huge part of counselling in this area is around processing and responding to how others react, now that boundaries are being put in place.

When a people pleaser stops pleasing and starts to assert boundaries, those around them will pay attention.

Some will not like it. In an ideal world, you will be met with respect and acceptance as you assert yourself, but we don’t live in an ideal world. Brace yourself for bewilderment, annoyance and sulking, as the realisation dawns on them that they now have to start pulling their weight. Remember, you are not responsible for their reaction, and it is not your problem to fix. Counselling can support you as you navigate this stage by allowing you to express and process your emotions in a confidential space. 

Your social network may start to look different; the users will disappear once their supply gets cut off, but others will remain and will accept and respect your boundaries. Some will remain and grudgingly adjust. You cannot control how others will react, and I want to acknowledge that this can be a really hard stage of the process for clients. 

What you can expect from counselling for people-pleasing 

At the beginning of this process, counselling can help you identify the underlying reasons for your people pleasing and support you in unpicking what has been going on. The counselling sessions can offer a safe space for exploration as you rediscover yourself and work towards the implementation of boundaries, which you can then integrate into your life. 

This time of transformation will feel scary, and you will have wobbles, but what is the alternative? You keep on living a life that is unfulfilling and exhausting. 

People pleasing is a learnt behaviour that kept you safe as a child; you did not have choices then, but you do now. Saying no to others is saying yes to yourself. Change is possible.