Overthinking? Stopping the spiral

Overthinking? You and me, both. I come to you as an overthinker. It's one of the many reasons I became a therapist. Often, I'll meet people who struggle with looping thoughts - constantly analysing situations, replaying conversations, or predicting worst-case scenarios. I fell into the latter, which come to think of it, makes me question my entire experience of anxiety. When, in fact, does worrying “become” anxiety? That’s a question for another time, perhaps. But for now, let’s explore how we often perpetuate our discomfort by overthinking.

The everlasting “What if?”

Overthinking can feel like a survival strategy as if by ruminating enough, you’ll somehow prevent disaster or gain control. But in reality, it often creates more stress and uncertainty. I remember one time sitting in my car, holding on to the steering wheel for dear life, petrified I was going to willingly drive off the road. I hadn’t even left the driveway yet. It was the “What if?” question that proved so exhausting. Before accessing therapy, there had been occasions where I felt so in my head, that I was moved to tears from sheer frustration. The frustration was at having a continual dialogue with myself.

Side note: running a car off the road is often in the top ten list of most common intrusive thoughts.

So, how do you challenge your thoughts and break free from overthinking? Here are some tips.

1. Evaluate discomfort

Take the example I just gave of driving off the road. I speak about how it’s a common intrusive thought, which may prompt you to wonder – are intrusive thoughts and overthinking the same? This is something I’ll allow you to decide. Sometimes, a client may come with the notion that intrusive thoughts are, by definition, uncomfortable. That pesky word, “intrusive,” conjures up notions of fear and ickiness. But intrusive thoughts aren’t particularly unique or different from simple overthinking. It’s all in how the thoughts are affecting you.

To gain clarity, it can help to evaluate the level of distress you’re experiencing. Sure, when you’re in a thought spiral, it can be hard to rationalise. However, if even for a brief moment, try and ask yourself:

“Am I truly distressed by this thought OR am I beating myself up for having it?”

As human beings, we often expect our brains to work perfectly. Overthinking can be OK though. I am a strong proponent of acceptance -  when life is stressful, or we’ve gotten into a habit of overthinking, then it happens!

2. Acknowledge your pattern

Overthinking often follows a script. My narrative was safety – was the hob off? Did I lock the door? I wonder if the batteries in the smoke alarm need changing because I burnt toast yesterday and they weren’t responding as they should (see how it can get messy?).

For you, it may be self-consciousness around others. Perhaps you worry you might say the wrong thing. Or you feel you did, and start overthinking the consequences. Whatever your pattern, or favourite go-to belief (we all have them), recognising what that is can be the first step in gaining some control.

I’ll give an example. Perhaps you remember something at school, where someone said something mean about your appearance. It only happened once, but you started thinking about it a lot. It planted a seed. Later that week, you may have had an uncomfortable evening at a friend’s house party. Maybe you were in the kitchen on your own, a little too long for comfort and felt insecure.

Fast forward with me ten years. You started a new job, and it’s office work drinks. You don’t want to go. You’re thinking it will be uncomfortable and nobody will talk to you. You've been thinking about these after-work drinks since they mentioned it last month. And the overthinking ramped up tenfold that week, as Friday loomed.

This is your script. That you won’t be liked, welcomed. We learn our scripts early on. Understanding what we choose to believe is the first step to challenging overthinking. It can be helpful to know what things trigger us to step back and think with a more logical viewpoint. I like to say to clients, “Nobody truly grows up.” What is a “grown-up” anyway?” If the school example resonates with you, it’s helpful to remind yourself that, as we’re all just doing our best to function in this modern world, recognising what you believe is useful. A little healthy dismissal of your script can work wonders, too.

3. Limit "What if’s?"

Try asking yourself the question:

“Is this a real problem, or a hypothetical one?”

We can tend to get on the thought train and never get off. Think of it as a fairground ride, or conveyor belt. We all have a conveyor belt of thoughts. Thoughts come and go all the time. Grabbing onto one is not necessarily a bad thing – give yourself some grace and don’t beat yourself up if you go along for the ride – but ask if it’s worth it.

Go back to the question of discomfort, how much discomfort is this ride causing me? If the answer is none, maybe stay on the ride until it stops – again, acceptance is OK.

But if it’s causing discomfort, maybe ask if the ride is worth staying on. Is the problem real or am I predicting things that may never happen?

4. Accept uncertainty

The fairground ride analogy leads me nicely to this final tip. Much of overthinking comes from seeking certainty in an uncertain world. Someone who can’t stop thinking about danger may try to mitigate the perceived threat by engaging in thoughts of safety and developing behaviours that become problematic like checking the door is locked or making sure all electrical items are turned off. I’m jumping the gun a bit because behaviours are a whole other article for another day.

That said, that example highlights the way thoughts play into uncertainty. But life isn’t always predictable. You may not have an awful time at that work party. People may not talk about you when you leave the room. You will never know.

Some therapists may encourage you to practice the things that provoke discomfort. If your overthinking is about what others think of you, maybe try going somewhere you’ll be with others. Start small if necessary so it doesn’t feel too overwhelming. You may even enjoy it.

Final thoughts

You won’t stop overthinking overnight, but with practice, you can learn to challenge your thoughts instead of letting them control you. And if you need help sorting through them, counselling is a great place to start.