Overcoming fear of death

The fear of death (thanatophobia) is, according to existential psychologists, at the heart of the majority of human neuroses. The idea that who we are at a base level may someday end can feel like a terrifying prospect, and many invest time and effort in attempts to avoid ageing (swimming away from the ‘finish line’) or else denying this as a possibility at all.

But when we establish a healthy relationship with our mortality, the fear of death is something that no longer affects us, and we are free to enjoy and live life to its fullest potential. This is something therapy can help with, and this article will go on to explain why.

What causes the fear of death?

From a young age, so many of us are told who we are. We’re given names, identities and judgements, which we internalise as being ‘who we are’. When we come to think of ourselves, we may think of the things we have achieved or how we appear to others. This is the ‘self-image’ so many of us take to be who we are.

This idea of who we are is reinforced throughout our lives. It’s how we operate and function, and as we age, it may feel like it loses some of its value. ‘Productivity’, ‘youth’ and ‘material wealth’ are some of the things we come to associate with success, and the prospect of their loss may feel like ‘death’ to some.

This is not the case in all cultures. In some cultures, older people are revered as wise elders. They are treated with respect and admiration, particularly in cultures where death is seen as a natural part of life and not something to be judged or feared.

As well as cultural conditioning, conditioning in the family may also lead to an over-identification with a ‘false self’ we may take to be who we are.

When parents praise their children for what they produce or achieve more than who they are, the child comes to associate who they are with what they can do. They may lose touch with their inherent worth and come to see themselves as acceptable and lovable, only if they meet certain conditions. This can lead to a shaky or fragile sense of self, which many fear the loss of.

Connecting with our true selves

Many people turn to religion or spirituality as a way to find peace with the idea of death. They may offer ideas that we are not our bodies, that there is a universal life that never dies, and this is always accessible and is where we ‘return’ to when our physical form dissolves.

This can bring great comfort, yet it seems to be only when we find the truth within ourselves (which may certainly be inspired by gospel and scripture) that we can trust this understanding on a deeper level. Otherwise, it remains an ‘idea’, liable to be threatened if questioned by others.

When we know who we are, we no longer need to borrow ideas of what this is from anyone. It is unique to us and can provide an unshakeable, solid foundation from which we operate and function. In this state, death is not to be feared because of any ideas we have been taught, but because of a deep sense of awareness that we are so much more than what we may have been told.

How therapy can help

Our conditioning, or who we come to believe we are, is so often formed in our childhood. We absorb messages from our environment – our parents and teachers – and take these on as our ‘identity’.

This idea of who we are is an important survival tool – we adapted to the conditions we grew up in to fit in. Yet, so much of the time, this was an adapted version of ourselves. A version manufactured to be ‘good’, follow the rules and survive our environment.

So many people reach adulthood without a clear sense of who they are. Some aren’t even aware of this; who they think they are has become so ‘normal’. Others might develop symptoms of depression or anxiety, or even physical tension. They can’t pinpoint a clear ‘cause’ for this, yet come to therapy sharing that something just ‘doesn’t feel right’.

Throughout therapy, I work with my clients to connect with who they are beneath the conditioning. The child-like joy they experienced before they were told who they were. This is the ‘self’ that feels it can never die. It is the compassion, connection, beauty and love so many stay alive for.

It can take some time for this truth to emerge. It can be a process of excavation, chipping away at the beliefs and ideas that obstruct the essence and purity of who the individual is beneath them.

This might include exploring messages picked up in early childhood, perhaps looking at family scripts or generational trauma and how this may have led to certain ideas taking root. It can include dreamwork – using imagery and the subconscious mind to give clues as to what is wanting to emerge and be expressed. It can also be somatic – working with the body to release tension or unexpressed emotion.

So many people live in a state of ‘fight and flight’, and so working to soften and relax this (what is often a) trauma response can make space for a deeper truth to reveal itself.

Through therapy, it is very possible to rediscover a deeper sense of self that can offer a deeper sense of safety and security, allowing one to enjoy life and all its possibilities without fear.

There is great comfort in seeing that who we are goes deeper than our conditioning, and this may give us the freedom to express ourselves more fully as well as the courage to take more opportunities life presents us.

I will finish with a few lines from Bette Midler/Amanda McBroom’s ‘The Rose’:

It’s the heart, afraid of breaking

That never learns to dance

It’s the dream, afraid of waking

That never takes the chance

It’s the one who won’t be taken

Who cannot seem to give

And the soul, afraid of dying

That never learns to live 

Sometimes what we speak of goes beyond words. Sometimes music says it best. And sometimes it can be felt in the presence of a compassionate other. When we see it in ourselves – our own beauty – mirrored back, and see we already have all we could ever need. Whole and complete in this moment, and, in whatever physical state we may be in, full of life.