New Year’s resolutions - a hidden spanner in the works?

So, it’s that time of year again! The end of an old year and the beginning of a new one can often be a time for reflection and evaluation. Traditionally, it’s the time for making resolutions which promise to make our lives better in some meaningful way - become fitter, take up new hobbies, aim for a better work/life balance. Sadly, many of these good intentions rarely lead to lasting change, some not even making it beyond January.

Factors that support change

Even relatively minor changes in life can prove extremely challenging. If you are looking to implement changes this January, there are a few well-known factors that can influence the success of your desired outcomes:

• Clarity of purpose. It can really help your focus and motivation to have a clear understanding of why you want to change and how your life may be different if you achieve it.
• Planning and realistic goals. SMART goal planning - Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Time-bound goals can help tackle bigger changes by breaking them into more manageable chunks. An overly ambitious plan can feel overwhelming and doomed to failure before you start.
• Support systems. People often find that change is easier when they have the support of others. This might be the support of family and friends at home, joining a group or seeking professional guidance. Including others in your goals can offer you a sense of accountability that you may lack by going it alone.
• Habits and consistency. If change is to be permanent, it needs to become a new habit. The behavioural scientist Dr BJ Fogg suggests that it’s helpful to start off with very small actions tied to something that you already do. For example, if your goal is to get stronger, perhaps you could start by doing two squats in the kitchen every time you boil the kettle. Anchoring tiny actions like this to old habits can help embed new behaviours into your routine in a really manageable way. Once you’ve got used to doing two squats every time you make tea, you can then increase the number and find yourself doing 30 squats a day!
• Emotional preparedness. Change is often challenging to our sense of who we are. Perhaps you worry about failing in your New Year’s resolutions after previous unsuccessful attempts? Maybe you have internalised earlier setbacks as proof that you are ‘not good enough’? It may be helpful to realise that setbacks are a normal part of the change process and that ‘failures’ offer you information about what you might need to do differently next time. There is another part of emotional preparation which is more rarely discussed - the experience of loss that inevitably occurs as part of the change process.

Understanding the loss behind change

I specialise in helping people through life transitions and have often seen that part of the pushback against change is that it requires leaving something behind. Sometimes this is an obvious goodbye, such as setting aside alcohol for Dry January. At other times there can be more subtle and unconscious aspects that we are unwilling to let go of. Maybe a new running regime feels like it’s not part of your identity. Perhaps you were the rebellious kid in P.E. at school who refused to take part? Some part of you may now equate starting running with ‘conforming’ or being ‘a sporty person’ and this could feel uncomfortable or simply ‘wrong’. Whatever our habits are, they developed for a reason and they often unknowingly offer us a form of protection, familiarity or a sense of belonging. Letting go of these habits without fully exploring and acknowledging what they give us can be very difficult to do.

A hidden loss? Letting go of alternative paths

Change also involves a subtler loss too, this is the loss of potential options. Choosing one particular path requires the letting go of other possibilities. For some, this can create a type of paralysis where they feel unable to move forward because they’re afraid of losing out on other options. Sylvia Plath powerfully portrayed this struggle in The Bell Jar as she compared her potential future life choices to a tree full of figs. Her writing clearly shows her overwhelm at choosing a possible future when doing so inevitably means losing the potential of all the others
 
"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet, and another fig was a brilliant professor… and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out… I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest.”
 
Without clearly acknowledging the loss of each potential, it can seem impossible to go forward.

Points to consider when acknowledging loss in change

• Try to identify what the new change will make you leave behind. Take some time to think about where those habits, roles and identities came from. What do they give you? Are you really prepared to let them go?
• Honour and make space for grieving the losses. This might be as simple as talking it through with a friend or writing down what you are leaving behind. If it feels right for you, you could think about some form of ritual of letting go.
• Clearly inhabit the space, role and identity that the new habit will take you into. Spend some time imagining yourself in this role. How does it feel? What aspects of this are drawing you in? Which factors feel uncomfortable and why? Making this as vivid as you can by journaling, drawing, talking or imagining can help you transition into the new identity.
• If your identity is really strongly aligned with the habit you want to change then it could be worth working with somebody who is dual-trained in counselling and coaching to help you really understand what might be holding you back.

How to embrace change in the New Year

It’s helpful to be aware that even seemingly small changes to habits or behaviour can be more layered and complex than you realise. By leaning into the gains and exploring the potential losses, you can help make resolutions this year that can be both meaningful and lasting.

References 

• Fogg, B. J. (2020). Tiny habits: The small changes that change everything. Harvest.
• Plath, S. (1972). The Bell Jar. (1963). Faber & Faber.