Neurodivergent parenting: It’s not hopeless, it’s hard

Are your expectations unmeetable right now?

For some of us, the challenge of parenting is tied up with our own expectations of what could be available to us and what isn’t. 

I would say this is the case for any parents bringing up children in a culturally individualistic society - where the village mentality has been eroded over time - but it’s acutely felt by those whose children can’t conform easily to expectations and mainstream education and may have been formally identified as neurodivergent.

Maybe even with this lens through which we can understand our frustration, it’s still important to consider that we can have agency over how we respond to it. That we don’t have to go up against it and inevitably end up feeling hopeless, but can instead learn from it and be brave enough to choose a different approach that serves us better.

In my own experience, I’ve had to face the fact that choosing to focus (obsess even) on what is lacking in society doesn’t actually help me. Righteous indignation will not soothe the upset and pain that sits beneath my anger.

Instead, I have learned that to be more accepting of reality, and what it means to me, has led me to focus on what’s missing when expectations are fuelled by what should be available and what isn’t. This empowers me to understand what else I can do to take care of myself and by extension take better care of my family.

A new way to think about how we approach things

When we take action to avoid feeling:

You’ve Googled, attended parenting workshops and had meetings with the school and nothing has changed.

What’s missing here?

The expectation that an answer to the challenge is what is needed, stops you from needing to tend to your own emotions. When we can’t/won’t experience our feelings, the gap between our mind and body grows and we’re less able to tap into and strengthen intuition. 

When we implicitly give responsibility to others:

You want your family’s needs to be understood, so you’ve told your mum-friends because that’s a “good” thing to do.

What’s missing here?

The expectation of support not founded in others’ understanding of neurodiversity, means your vulnerability might not be met with care. Sharing difficult experiences and being met with platitudes or unsolicited advice can be hurtful and it is important to choose people who can genuinely and willingly understand (or able to learn) how to support you and your family.

When we believe someone else has all the answers:

You’ve bolstered your confidence by understanding the mechanisms in place to provide support for your child’s needs.

What’s missing here?

The expectation provided by neatly documented checks and balances on government websites doesn’t give warning of the very real lack of resources and empathy that accompanies the process, so hope can be quickly diminished by disappointments.

It’s useful to remember that all people are unique and well-intentioned, systemic support doesn’t account for that. It feels personal, but it’s not.

So, what can we do instead then?

We start by acknowledging that the societies we exist in aren’t perfect and that it’s idealistic to expect them to be when we face adversity. This isn’t an invitation to let society “off the hook”, just a note to remind ourselves that we all have limitations in how much energy we have to spend.

Whilst there’s no shame in feeling hopeless and no one could find fault in any endeavour that seeks to improve the experiences of a child, I’m glad to tell you there’s a way to navigate any version of parenthood.

One that takes the time to explore where your expectations come from and how they impact you emotionally when they can’t be met.

When we know this about ourselves, we can begin to make choices with self-compassion, align our inner world experiences with practicalities and tend to emotional wounds that are uncovered during the process.

When my clients sit across from me, I already understand the external factors of neurodivergent parenting, so we can focus on the emotional side and consider what is needed to hold the challenges alongside hopefulness.

All parenting is hard at times, but every single parent - especially those with the added responsibility that difference brings - deserves to be heard, understood and emotionally supported. This is something professionals can offer to those interested.