Navigating family events in a difficult mother-child relationship

There may be certain times of the year, or even all year round, when others’ expectations around getting together or celebrating a calendarised event, and how you’re expected to take part, can weigh heavily on you. This is especially difficult if you have a strained or difficult relationship with your mother.

The idealised and exaggerated societal version of the mother can jar quite considerably with what you are experiencing within your own family. Not feeling able to celebrate this event can lead to feelings of anger, frustration, guilt, sadness and even grief for what could have been for you but very much isn’t.

The social feeds of gushing, grateful or over-the-top exclamations of “greatest, most loving, most supportive mother” of some families can all make an already tender day feel bruising and leave you feeling “othered”, not part of the group somehow, often through no fault of your own.

Why expectations can feel overwhelming

If you have a difficult relationship with your mother, the societal expectation that you have to and should spend time and money on a mother with whom you have a difficult relationship can feel quite overwhelming. The rosy image of a nurturing, supportive and doting mother might be nothing at all like the mother you have.

There is a lot of talk on social media at the moment around narcissistic mothers and how they are all a problem, and estrangement should be the answer. This may well be true for you, but this broad stroke approach might cause people to make decisions based on feelings of the moment and not overall facts. There is a real-world difference between a diagnosed narcissistic or sociopathic mother and an emotionally immature one.

One has no chance of reconciling your truth and lived experience with their version of themselves and how they parented, while the other may be open to change, though it will take time, therapeutic hard work on their part, and patience on yours.

Understanding emotionally immature parenting

Lindsay C Gibson writes in her book, “Adult children of Emotionally Immature Parents” about the destructive and hurtful ways that EIPs can raise their children. She acknowledges that both parents can be responsible for this parenting style.

The four-parenting styles that can fall under emotionally immature parents are:

The emotional parent

The emotional parent may use you and/or others to regulate their own emotional distress and can leave you feeling insecure and anxious. Emotional plate tectonics abound.

The passive parent

The passive parent may want anything for a quiet life and so will avoid dealing with anything that’s upsetting, conflict-driven or difficult.

The driven parent

The driven parent may use overworking or keeping busy all the time to keep everything perfect 24/7.

The rejecting parent

The rejecting parent may be withdrawn, disengaged or aloof. They may be dismissive of you as a person and your experiences, or may even be derogatory, mean and shaming about you as a person and/or your achievements.

If you recognise some of these parenting styles as your mother’s, then the question next has to be, was/is your childhood parenting too bad to stay around them now that you are an adult, possibly a parent yourself too?

Estrangement can feel like grieving to some, a celebration of freedom to others, and so only you know if it’s the right course of action for you. Sometimes, even just sharing how you were parented can allow some mothers to reflect backwards and see the harm they caused. This takes self-reflection and accountability, and if your parent can hear your side of things without defensiveness or blame, then the chance for change is higher than the denying response from other mothers.

If what you’ve read has resonated for you, then the NSPCC is another resource for information on the types of “Parental Neglect” (also known as “Child Abuse”), and this covers physical, educational, emotional and medical neglect and the impact this neglect will have on a person’s developing self.

Navigating events with a conflicted relationship with your mother

Use SEAR:

• S: set boundaries on your time to be spent together
• E: equip/empower yourself with strategies to regulate yourself and your feelings in general, but especially on the day
• A: ask your mother in advance how she would like to celebrate the event
• R: remember that it’s your space too

Set time boundaries

Set this out at the start of the meet-up and be sure they hear you. This is one of the important ways that you can manage the impact of your meeting, and also allows your mother to know when the end time is approaching. Unfortunately, only you know how that is going to go, but remain resolute that you respectfully shared the end time. Their reaction is theirs alone and not because you set a boundary.

Equip/empower yourself

With a supportive professional, nurturing family member/friend or even just through reflective journalling, identify and know what buttons your mother pushes in you in various scenarios to get you to feel dysregulated and emotionally wobbly. Once identified, you can notice, breath and emotionally distance yourself from a reactive response that your mother will be expecting from you.

Ask

This can be a way to manage the minefield of her expectations and comparisons with what others may be doing on the day. Try not to accept the “surprise me” option as it’s loaded with unknown expectations. Kindly let her know that her telepathic wish isn’t one of your skills, so you’d prefer to hear it explicitly from her instead. This is particularly important if you are neurodivergent, as reading between the lines or picking up hints is an extra cognitive load that isn’t your responsibility.

Remember

If it’s a one-time-a-year event, and if managed well, it can become a day in the calendar that doesn’t fill you with unease and distress. If it’s an expected weekly meet-up maybe consider if the frequency suits you too.

There’s no guarantee that your mother will agree to your changes, as you know, we can only change ourselves, and rather than try to convince your mother to agree, know that your balanced actions about and on the day will still honour you as a person who is kind and caring of a difficult mother.

Seeking support

If your mother parented:

• with a lack of insight into their behaviour and the destructive impact on you
• was consumed with their own self-centredness
• used guilt to control you
• was shaming, belittling or neglectful of your physical and emotional needs
• didn’t care where you were, who you were with or what you got up to
• was manipulative, or denying the unpleasant events they caused
• was physically punishing
• showed favouritism with your siblings
• showed no empathy for your struggles through the years
• was rejecting and/or dismissive of your company, achievements, fears and feelings

To help you understand the impact this has had on you, your life experiences and even how you are parenting yourself, this may be something worth exploring further with a counselling professional with experience in this particular area of life.

Resources

Lindsay C. Gibson: “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” (2015), New Harbinger Publications (ISBN 9781626251724).

Stephanie Kriesberg: “Adult Daughters of Narcisstic Mothers” (2022), New Harbinger Publications (ISBN 1648480098).

https://narcissistabusesupport.com/practitioners/stephanie-m-kriesberg-psy-d-psychology/

NSPCC: https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/types-of-abuse/neglect/

Childline: https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/bullying-abuse-safety/abuse-safety/neglect/

Toxic mother-son relationships: https://youtu.be/uz8sJ0ZNxUA