Navigating enmeshment trauma: Untangling the relational dynamics

Enmeshment, in the context of family systems, refers to a relational dynamic characterised by excessively blurred boundaries, where individual autonomy is compromised due to over-involvement and a lack of differentiation between members. This relational pattern, often stemming from early childhood experiences, can have profound and lasting effects on an individual's psychological well-being, leading to what is increasingly recognised as enmeshment trauma (Pearlman and Courtois, 2005; Perez, Desmond and Sundheim, 2020). 

Breaking free: Understanding enmeshment trauma in parent-adult child relationships

Enmeshment trauma arises from the chronic violation of personal boundaries, emotional over-dependence and the suppression of individual needs and desires within the family system (Simadi, Fatayer and Athamneh, 2003).

Enmeshment trauma is a deeply rooted dynamic that affects many individuals, particularly in parent-adult child relationships. It occurs when boundaries between family members are blurred, leading to difficulties in establishing an independent sense of self. While enmeshment may appear as closeness, it can be detrimental to emotional well-being, leaving individuals feeling trapped, emotionally fluid and unable to express their true identity.

Enmeshed families often prioritise loyalty and cohesion above individual needs, which can stifle personal growth and development. The impact of such dynamics extends beyond the immediate family, influencing interpersonal relationships, self-perception and overall mental health. The concept of enmeshment trauma is rooted in psychological developmental theories, particularly object relations theory, which posits that early relational experiences shape an individual's understanding of themselves and others (Spermon, Darlington and Gibney, 2010). 

This article builds upon the foundations explored in the previous published blog article I wrote, Exploring enmeshment trauma: family dynamics, boundaries & healing, and delves deeper into how neuroscience, neurobiology and psychology explain enmeshment trauma's impact. Additionally, it provides practical strategies to strengthen emotional resilience and work towards breaking free from the cycle.

The science behind enmeshment trauma

Neuroscience of attachment and boundaries

Neuroscientific research highlights the role of attachment in shaping brain development and emotional regulation. Mirror neurons, which help us attune to others' emotions (Gallese et al., 2004), play a crucial role in enmeshment, often reinforcing hyper-awareness of others’ feelings while neglecting self-awareness. The amygdala, responsible for processing emotions, is often overactivated in individuals with enmeshment trauma, resulting in heightened emotional sensitivity and difficulty in self-regulation (Perry et al., 1995).

The hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, responsible for stress response, is also impacted. Chronic enmeshment can lead to an overactive stressed body system, making individuals more prone to anxiety, hypervigilance and emotional exhaustion (McEwen et al., 2015). Neuroplasticity, however, offers hope - our brains can rewire through intentional self-work and boundary-setting practices (Doidge, 2007). Understanding the neurobiological roots of enmeshment trauma is essential for developing effective strategies for healing and recovery (Cross et al., 2017).

Emotional attunement: The foundation of identity formation

What is emotional attunement?

Emotional attunement refers to a caregiver's ability to recognise and respond appropriately to a child’s emotions. Secure attachment encourages healthy emotional development, whereas inconsistent emotional attunement can lead to enmeshment and emotional dependence (Bowlby, 1969). Heinz Kohut's self-psychology emphasises the importance of parental empathy in meeting a child's developmental needs, such as mirroring, idealising and alter ego needs (Baker and Baker, 1987). 

Children who experience enmeshment often grow up prioritising their parents’ emotions over their own, leading to difficulties in emotional differentiation. Research shows that parental over-involvement can hinder autonomy, contributing to co-dependency or self-abandonment in adulthood (Chase, 1999).

Case example: The invisible self: Sarah, a 35-year-old woman, grew up in a household where her mother depended on her emotionally, often saying, “You’re the only one who understands me.” As an adult, Sarah found it difficult to make decisions without her mother’s approval, leading to an internal struggle between her desires and her mother’s expectations. Through therapy, Sarah learned to identify her emotions separately from her mother’s, a key step in breaking the cycle of enmeshment.

How enmeshment trauma impacts every relationship

Individuals with enmeshment trauma often struggle with self-differentiation (Kerr & Bowen, 1988), making it difficult to establish boundaries in friendships, romantic relationships and professional settings. Enmeshment can lead to:

• Over-identification with others’ emotions and difficulty expressing personal needs.
• High emotional reactivity and fear of conflict.
• A tendency to attract relationships that mimic childhood enmeshment patterns.

Neurobiologically, enmeshment reinforces trauma encoding in the limbic system, making emotional fluidity the default state (Siegel, 2012). Without intervention, individuals may unconsciously recreate enmeshed dynamics in all areas of their life.

Practice exercise: Boundary mapping
Write down three scenarios where you felt emotionally overwhelmed by someone else’s needs. Reflect on what boundaries could have been set and practice verbalising them.

Healing enmeshment: Strengthening your emotional core

Breaking free from enmeshment requires conscious effort and daily self-work. Key strategies include:

• Mindfulness and grounding techniques: Studies show mindfulness helps regulate the autonomic nervous system and encourages emotional resilience (Porges, 2011).
• Journaling for self-identity: Writing about personal experiences and emotions can help differentiate oneself from others in a safe private space.
• Therapeutic support: Engaging in psychotherapy, particularly person-centred and trauma-informed approaches, can help rewire relational patterns.
• Setting small boundaries: Practicing assertiveness in small, low-stakes situations builds confidence in boundary setting.

Case example: Reclaiming autonomy

James, a 40-year-old professional, realised that his father’s influence dictated his major life decisions. By setting small boundaries - such as not discussing career and partner choices with his father - James gradually reclaimed his autonomy and experienced a significant reduction in anxiety.

Boundary setting as self-care

Establishing healthy boundaries is not selfish, it’s an act of self-care that protects one’s emotional and psychological wellbeing. Learning to say "no" and prioritising personal needs can reduce anxiety, increase self-esteem and create healthier relational dynamics (Riggs, 2010). The act of setting boundaries enables people to think about and reflect on their feelings and needs. Moreover, the ability to clearly judge social situations is the foundation for a healthy conscience (Spiegel, Severino and Morrison, 2000). 

The road to emotional freedom

Healing from enmeshment trauma is a process that requires commitment to self-growth. Recognising the patterns, understanding the neurobiological basis and taking intentional steps towards independence can lead to emotional liberation. Therapy, self-reflection, self-care and daily boundary practices can pave the way for a healthier, more autonomous life.

References

Baker, H.S. and Baker, M.N. (1987). “Heinz Kohut’s self psychology: an overview,” American Journal of Psychiatry. American Psychiatric Association, p. 1. doi:10.1176/ajp.144.1.1. 

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.

Chase, N.D. (1999). Burdened Children: Theory, Research, and Treatment of Parentification. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

Cross, D. et al. (2017). “Neurobiological development in the context of childhood trauma.,” Clinical Psychology Science and Practice. Wiley, p. 111. doi:10.1111/cpsp.12198. 

Doidge, N. (2007). The Brain That Changes Itself. New York: Viking.

Gallese, V., Keysers, C., & Rizzolatti, G. (2004). ‘A unifying view of the basis of social cognition.’ Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 8(9), pp. 396-403.

Kerr, M.E., & Bowen, M. (1988). Family Evaluation: An Approach Based on Bowen Theory. New York: Norton.

McEwen, B. S. et al. (2015). Mechanisms of stress in the brain. Nature neuroscience. [Online] 18 (10), 1353–1363.

Pearlman, L.A. and Courtois, C.A. (2005). “Clinical applications of the attachment framework: Relational treatment of complex trauma,” Journal of Traumatic Stress. Wiley, p. 449. doi:10.1002/jts.20052. 

Perez, L., Desmond, S.E. and Sundheim, C.J. (2020). “From the Shadow to the Light: Navigating Life as a Mother with a History of Substance Use and Parenting a Child Healing from Early Childhood Trauma,” in IntechOpen eBooks. IntechOpen. doi:10.5772/intechopen.94073. 

Perry, B.D., Pollard, R.A., Blakley, T.L., Baker, W.L., & Vigilante, D. (1995). ‘Childhood trauma, the neurobiology of adaptation, and “use-dependent” development of the brain.’ Infant Mental Health Journal, 16(4), pp. 271-291.

Porges, S.W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. New York: Norton.

Riggs, S.A. (2010). “Childhood Emotional Abuse and the Attachment System Across the Life Cycle: What Theory and Research Tell Us,” Journal of Aggression Maltreatment & Trauma. Taylor & Francis, p. 5. doi:10.1080/10926770903475968. 

Siegel, D.J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. New York: Guilford Press.

Simadi, F.A., Fatayer, J.A. and Athamneh, S. (2003). “THE ARABIAN FAMILY IN THE LIGHT OF MINUCHIN’S SYSTEMATIC THEORY: AN ANALYTICAL APPROACH,” Social Behavior and Personality An International Journal. Scientific Journal Publishers Limited, p. 467. doi:10.2224/sbp.2003.31.5.467. 

Spermon, D., Darlington, Y. and Gibney, P. (2010). “Psychodynamic psychotherapy for complex trauma: targets, focus, applications, and outcomes,” Psychology Research and Behavior Management. Dove Medical Press, p. 119. doi:10.2147/prbm.s10215. 

Spiegel, J.P., Severino, S.K. and Morrison, N.K. (2000). “The role of attachment functions in psychotherapy.,” PubMed. National Institutes of Health, p. 25. Available at: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10608906 (Accessed: January 2025).