Moving from hesitation to action in therapy and life

“I’ll Try…” – The illusion of progress

Many of us have said it:

• “I’ll try to get back into the gym.”
• “I’ll try to stop overthinking everything.”
• “I’ll try to be more open with people.”

These statements are familiar. They reflect care, intention, even hope. But often, they also reflect hesitation. We’re not quite in. Not quite out. We’re caught in the in-between – a state where motivation never quite takes hold, and meaningful change feels just out of reach.

In my work as a therapist, I meet many people who arrive in this space. They’re not unmotivated. In fact, they often care deeply about their relationships, their work, their health, and their healing. But they feel paralysed by internal pressure, perfectionism, past failures, or emotional exhaustion.

They’re not broken. They’re human. And often, the shift they need isn’t more trying,  it’s a new relationship with doing.

Why “trying” keeps us stuck

Trying, for many people, has become a holding pattern. It allows us to express desire without fully committing. This isn’t a flaw; it’s usually protective. If I try and fail, at least I can say I didn’t really go all in. If I try but hesitate, I avoid the vulnerability of true risk.

But the side effect of endless trying is often:

• stalled momentum
• shame and self-doubt
• a slowly eroded sense of self-trust

We end up stuck not because we don’t care, but because we’re scared – scared of failing, of being judged, of getting it wrong, or of discovering that the thing we long for may not be possible. And so “I’ll try…” becomes a socially acceptable pause button. It acts as a cushion, a form of protective behaviour that softens the emotional risk of action. But while protective in intent, it can unintentionally keep us stuck, and at times quietly perpetuate distress. It holds us back from the very behaviours that invite well-being, growth, and positive emotional states, the kind that arise not from certainty, but from movement in the direction of what matters.

I know this not just as a therapist, but as a person. I’ve fallen into that same false safety net, where “trying” slowly turns into rumination, worry, and avoidance, crowding out value-based doing. It’s a pattern I recognise with compassion now, and one I gently challenge.

The power of values-based action

In therapy, particularly in CBT, ACT, CFT and DBT-informed work,  we support people to move from a place of avoidance into what we call 'values-based action'.

This doesn’t mean pushing yourself, ignoring fear, or hustling through pain. It means:

• identifying what truly matters to you (your values)
• naming the barriers that keep you from acting on those values
• taking action anyway, gently and imperfectly, in ways that align with your long-term well-being

For example:

• A client who values connection may begin reaching out to others even when anxiety urges them to withdraw.
• Someone who values integrity may practise setting boundaries even when guilt or self-doubt arises.
• A person struggling with low mood may gently reintroduce meaningful activities like cooking or music, not because they feel like it, but because they care about vitality and creativity.

These actions aren’t always comfortable, but they’re purposeful. And with practice, they become less effortful, because they begin to feel like home.

How avoidance feels – and why it’s so common

Avoidance isn’t just about procrastination. It can show up as:

• overthinking and constantly planning without executing
• emotional numbing through scrolling, bingeing, or busyness
• people-pleasing or keeping quiet to avoid conflict
• not asking for help, even when struggling

Avoidance is an attempt to feel safe. In the short term, it works. But long term, it robs us of the experiences that bring meaning, growth, and joy.

The brain learns through experience. And every time we avoid, we unintentionally reinforce the idea that “I can’t handle this” or “It’s not safe to try.” Therapy helps disrupt this loop by supporting people to do the opposite, to lean in, with care.

Doing looks different for everyone

A common misconception is that action must be big, bold, or consistent every day. This is not only unrealistic, it’s often counterproductive.

Doing might look like:

• sending one difficult message
• getting out of bed and showering when depressed
• saying no to something that drains you
• going for a walk instead of cancelling plans entirely
• booking a therapy consultation when part of you feels resistant

Some days, doing will mean rest. Some days, it means showing up with all you’ve got. Both count.

It’s not about maintaining a rigid standard, but returning to your values, again and again, in ways that feel doable and honest.

What happens when we “do” anyway?

When we act in line with our values, even while afraid, unsure, or low on energy, we teach ourselves something powerful: I can move forward without being perfect.

Over time, the benefits of action include:

• reduced anxiety (especially when avoiding the feared thing kept it going)
• improved mood and energy (through behavioural activation)
• stronger self-trust (“I can handle discomfort”)
• increased clarity (“Now that I’ve done it, I know more than I did before”)

These shifts aren’t always immediate, but they’re cumulative. And they change not just what we do, but who we believe ourselves to be.

What therapy can offer

If you find yourself stuck in hesitation, therapy can help you:

• name and clarify what you truly value
• identify the patterns (thoughts, emotions, habits) that keep you from acting
• build self-compassion for the parts of you that resist change
• develop practical tools for emotional regulation and decision-making
• take small, meaningful steps towards the life you want

Approaches may include evidence-based methods like:

• CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) to explore how thoughts, feelings, and behaviours interact
• ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) to help you take purposeful action while making room for uncomfortable emotions
• DBT-informed approaches to build emotional resilience, self-awareness, and skilful communication 

You don’t need to have it all figured out. You don’t need to feel “ready.” You just need to be willing to explore what matters and consider the possibility that change is possible, even if it’s slow.

Gentle reminders for the journey

As you reflect on your own process, here are a few truths that many people find grounding:

• You don’t need to wait until you feel confident to begin. Confidence often comes after action, not before it.
• Avoidance isn’t a failure – it’s a protective strategy. But it may no longer be serving you.
• Small actions, taken consistently and compassionately, can lead to big shifts over time.
• You are allowed to start again, as many times as you need to.
• Your values don’t have to look like anyone else’s. If it matters to you, it’s worth honouring.

Because trying keeps us stuck. But doing, in all its messy, brave, imperfect forms, can move us forward.