Moving forward after an abusive relationship

You may now be physically free from a past abusive relationship, but soon, you realise that emotionally and mentally you are not free at all. The reality is that you’re not free because the past still has a strong hold on you; you feel like you can’t move forward, no matter how hard you try to leave it behind.

You might find yourself thinking about the relationship, asking yourself questions like: “Why did they treat me like this?” “Am I responsible at all?” “Is something wrong with me?” "Will I ever move forward from this?" “Will I ever get any closure?” You can’t stop these questions from entering and consuming your mind.

You might feel anxious and unsafe in your body. You are not sure how to let go; there is so much internal pain that doesn’t just disappear once an abusive relationship has ended, and you start to realise the extent of this.

I work with women who are physically out of an abusive relationship but require support to break the mental and emotional ties that they have to the pain of the past so that they can start to move forward with their lives.

If you recognise yourself in anything that I’ve said so far, I want you to know that there is nothing 'wrong' with you, and that the abuse was never your fault. Please know that we are not responsible for another person’s behaviour, only our own.

I am extremely passionate about supporting others to move forward after abusive relationships, as I understand the extent of the psychological aftermath when an abusive relationship has come to an end. From both my personal and professional experience, I have recognised common reasons that hold people back from moving forward emotionally and mentally after an abusive relationship has ended.

I have identified many themes which make it difficult for people to move forward after an abusive relationship; however, for the purpose of this article, I have decided to focus on the three most common themes that show up in my therapy room when working with the women I support.

Wanting to understand why your ex-partner was abusive towards you

As a counsellor supporting women after abusive relationships, I have noticed a striking pattern: many women who expressed understanding that their relationship was toxic or abusive wanted to stay with that abuser because they had empathy for them. Often, they saw past the abuse because they were aware of the other person's internal wounds and wanted to understand and support them, due to their own kind, compassionate nature.  

It’s beautiful that you have empathy and compassion for others. You may understand that the abuser had a traumatic childhood or a negative experience, which, yes, may have been terrible for them, but your empathy and compassion should never come at the expense of your own wellbeing and safety.

So many women I support explain that they want to understand why their ex-partner was abusive and to understand the intention behind it. Did they mean to be this way? Or is it because they are hurting themselves? So, therefore, are they abusive? I can understand why many women think and feel this way, because I remember this being something that personally kept me emotionally stuck.

But I want you to ask yourself this question: Does it really matter what the intention behind the abuse is? Does it really make any difference why a person may have developed abusive behaviours?

If they have their own past trauma, we can have empathy for them, but that’s up to them to get support to cope with their past. It’s not up to anyone to tolerate harm in the face of empathy or compassion. We can still have empathy and still choose our own safety at the same time. Abuse is abuse; we do not need to understand the reason behind it for this fact to change.

I also want you to know that if this feels true for you, we don’t want to change your nature. We want to support you so you can start giving yourself the same love, care, empathy, and compassion that you so freely give to others.

The reality is that knowing the reason why the person is/was abusive may not necessarily make a difference for you. Tolerating their abuse will not help their own internal wounds; it will just cause you more harm. If the abuser does have internal wounds, then they need to take responsibility for their own healing and seek appropriate support.

This same principle applies after the relationship has ended, and it often shows up in my therapy room. Understanding what was behind the abuse may not change your experience, although it does suggest that this is an area that needs to be explored within therapy.

In therapy, we can also explore your early experiences to uncover any internal wounds. With insight and self-compassion, we can start to process the past and make sense of the different parts of self that require awareness, understanding and self-compassion. As a result, the emotional ties to the abusive ex can start to fade.

Needing a sense of closure  

As a counsellor, I have found that many women express that they can’t move forward after an abusive relationship because they seek a sense of closure. Often, they don’t always know what kind of closure they need; they just know that something feels missing.

From my own personal and professional experience, I believe that until you have processed the pain of the past, it will be difficult for you to feel a sense of closure. Some people may feel that closure comes from an explanation; however, as my first point demonstrates, abuse is abuse. Understanding the reason behind their behaviour doesn't change what happened, and this is not your baggage to carry.

I believe that closure doesn’t come from an apology or an explanation. If we think about it, we already have closure, because closure comes from a person’s actions, which were the abuse; therefore, it’s not closure that we need, it's acceptance.

Acceptance comes from processing what happened, self-compassion, allowing yourself to feel your feelings (that have more than likely been suppressed), understanding yourself and your attachment, processing any related past events, and rebuilding your sense of self. All this work we do in the therapy room at a pace that feels psychologically safe for you.

Feeling responsible for ignoring red flags

I have supported many women who have blamed themselves when they realised that they previously ignored 'red flags' that, looking back, were so obvious. I understand that this feels frustrating and can be an upsetting realisation; however, we can build awareness in a way that is compassionate and kind to ourselves, as self-compassion is a key ingredient in healing.

The reality is that often most things are easier said than done. When you are in a situation, it can be difficult to take a step back and look at the whole picture, especially in a situation that causes your emotions to be up and down, as they can influence your judgement. Even if the red flags were visible and obvious, the abuse was never your fault.

As a counsellor, I often find that there are deeper reasons you may be prone to overlooking red flags, such as people-pleasing tendencies, discomfort with confrontation, and low self-worth. These issues might stem from childhood, which is important for us to explore in therapy so that we can change unwanted patterns.

How counselling can support you

Personally and professionally, I really do believe that it is possible to move forward after an abusive relationship.

If you are struggling with the aftermath of an abusive relationship, I understand that it may not feel fair that you now must go on a journey of healing. These feelings are valid. The abuse was never your fault. But you deserve to live your life free from the pain of the past.

Counselling can support you on this journey; your past does not define your future. There are many counsellors who would love to support you. Many offer a free initial consultation call, where you can ask questions and get a feel for their approach before booking a counselling session.