Why healing from a toxic relationship can be difficult

Healing from a toxic relationship can be a difficult and sometimes confusing experience. While it's natural to hope that time will ease the pain of a breakup, recovering from a relationship involving unhealthy or abusive dynamics can bring additional challenges.

Understanding these challenges and recognising when extra support might help can be an important part of moving forward.

Let me break down to you the particularities of healing from a toxic relationship and why, if you're not aware of such themes, you may completely miss out on what you actually need to move forward and remain stuck in the breakup pain for longer than you need to. 

Breaking the cycle of emotional highs and lows

Some unhealthy relationships involve a cycle of emotional highs and lows, where periods of distress are followed by affection, reassurance or relief.

The same person who causes the harm is also the one who brings relief. This is why many people struggle to leave and stay away. Your nervous system is associating this person with harm and relief from it, and now needs to learn to feel safe outside of that person all over again, but that requires feeling a lot of discomfort. 

If you don't know how to tolerate this discomfort, it puts you at risk of going back. Also, because that discomfort is so intense, we often assume we made a mistake by leaving. We think if we feel so intensely about them or the breakup, that perhaps they were 'the one and only' and it's a sign we should go back. 

But in therapy, a therapist or psychologist would help you recognise when intensity is simply that, and learn to create distance between physical discomfort, rumination, and behaviours. This leads me to the second point: rumination. 

Managing self-doubt and rumination

Is it normal to reflect on your part during a breakup?

Absolutely, but rumination and self-doubt are different experiences. And they get very loud during the first weeks, sometimes months, of healing from a toxic relationship.

Why? Well, first, when we feel discomfort we cannot handle in our bodies, we may find refuge in our analytical mind. So ruminating and self-blame become the perfect mental distraction to hold on to. As you're busy doing that, you're paying less attention to the overwhelm you feel in your body.

Secondly, toxic relationships often involve a power imbalance: one that puts you in the seat of the one with less agency, so self-doubt has been reinforced as the relational dynamic became about you (unconsciously) taking the role of the "helpless" one who needs their advice for everything, and they were the one who "knew best" and suggested things to you out of "care". However, it reduced your ability to trust yourself. 

If they used deflections or techniques like gaslighting (rewriting events, denying reality, and making you try to convince them something happened, to the point where you start to question your own memory), then you may need to rebuild your trust in yourself.

While these feelings can occur after any breakup, they may be particularly pronounced following a relationship involving manipulation or coercive control.

You may be in pain as you adjust to the absence of the ex-partner, but you're not rebuilding your entire sense of autonomy. After a toxic relationship, you need skills to learn how to manage the rumination, the self-blame and rebuild that sense of agency you lost along the way. This is exactly what therapy can help you with. 

Rebuilding your life and sense of identity

Healing from other relationship breakups may involve moving out, but healing from a toxic relationship often involves rebuilding your sense of community; sometimes it may even mean starting working again.

Toxic relationships often isolate you, not just from people, but also from hobbies and interests, so when you leave, you face the fear of not just having to move on from them – that already feels impossible – but you have to rebuild friend groups, find a job, move somewhere else, and also reconnect with parts of yourself you've numbed for so long, and that's hard to do when you've lost all trust in your abilities and intuition. 

Losing friends can also be heartbreaking, and it may bring feelings of unfairness when they seem unaffected while you're rebuilding your whole life from scratch on your own. Therapy can help you rebuild at your own pace and work through the overwhelm that comes with it, so you don't burn yourself out as you go through this process.

Coping with distressing memories and emotions

Some people may experience distressing memories, flashbacks or other trauma-related symptoms after leaving an unhealthy or abusive relationship. These experiences can sometimes become more noticeable as they begin to rebuild their lives.

There isn't one set way that people respond to difficult or traumatic experiences. For some, memories or emotions may feel overwhelming, while others may experience different reactions. If these symptoms are affecting your daily life, seeking support from a professional with experience in trauma can help.

Working with a professional with trauma expertise can be crucial here, particularly to assess other potential trauma-related symptoms. The sooner you seek care, the better.

If you're reading this, please don't be scared. This is your body trying to process pain; it's simply that the way you may experience it can be scary when you don't have a professional to normalise this for you and support you through this process to make sure you're safe and processing it properly. It doesn't mean you're "traumatised for life", but equally, it's important to take it seriously. 

How therapy can support recovery

Healing from toxic relationships can involve so many different layers than a normal relationship breakdown, and I've only named a few elements. It is so overwhelming, and that's why I would encourage you to consider seeking professional support.

You don't have to navigate this alone, and don't let shame keep you from seeking help.

No matter how healed you are or how secure your attachment is, anyone can end up in a toxic relationship. Experiencing an unhealthy or abusive relationship is not a reflection of your intelligence or worth. 

You are deserving of seeking help. I wish more people knew this.