Living with the legacy of childhood emotional neglect
Since writing about emotional neglect in childhood, I’ve been struck by how many people have reached out or spoken to me about it quietly, almost as if they were admitting something shameful, when actually, what they were saying was, “This is finally making sense.” And I get it.
This stuff hides. It doesn’t announce itself with big, obvious signs. It just quietly affects how we live, how we love, and how we feel about ourselves.

Why emotional neglect is so hard to spot
What makes emotional neglect so hard to spot is that it’s about what wasn’t there. The missing bits. You might have been fed, clothed, taken to school, even told you were loved - but if your feelings weren’t noticed, responded to, or made room for, that leaves a mark. Not a visible one, but a deep one all the same.
And most people who experienced it don’t walk around saying, “I was emotionally neglected.” They say:
- “I don’t know why I feel so flat all the time.”
- “I hate depending on anyone.”
- “I don’t think I was traumatised exactly, but something feels… off.”
How emotional neglect shapes your behaviour
When you’re a child and your emotional world gets ignored, you don’t stop needing it - you just learn not to show it. You become low-maintenance, overly independent, the one who doesn’t cause a fuss. You might have told yourself things like:
- “I’m fine.”
- “I don’t need that.”
- “Better not to expect much.”
But that emotional self doesn’t go away. It just gets quieter.
And then you grow up and find yourself wondering why relationships feel hard, or why you can’t connect in the way others seem to. You might feel emotionally flat, or numb, or deeply lonely - even when surrounded by people.
Signs of childhood emotional neglect in adulthood
I work with a lot of people where this is the undercurrent. Sometimes they’ve achieved a lot - they’re good at their jobs, they’re dependable, organised - but they feel empty or like they’re living on autopilot. Or they’re in relationships where they give and give, but something still feels missing. They might say:
- “I just don’t know what I’m feeling.”
- “I don’t want to be a burden.”
- “I’m scared I’ll never feel close to anyone.”
Often, it’s not that they don’t want closeness - it’s that they never learned how to have it in a way that feels safe.
It’s not your fault
Let me say this clearly: you were not born distant, difficult, over-sensitive or ‘too much’. These were patterns you picked up in order to survive emotionally. When your emotional world is minimised or ignored, it’s not surprising you’d start to doubt it yourself. But that’s not your truth - that’s what happened to you.
This isn’t about blaming parents. Most were doing what they could with what they knew. But we do have to name what was missing. Otherwise, we keep telling ourselves, “Nothing bad happened to me - I don’t know why I’m like this.” When, actually, something did happen. You were unseen in ways that mattered.
Healing from emotional neglect
The shift often begins with just noticing. Noticing the way you ignore your own feelings. Noticing how quickly you tell yourself to get over something. Noticing how hard it is to ask for comfort or say, “I’m not OK.”
And then, noticing that this isn’t who you really are. It’s who you learned to be.
Healing doesn’t happen overnight. It’s more like slowly growing back parts of yourself you didn’t even realise were missing. It’s about learning to:
- Pause and check in with what you’re feeling. Even if you’re not sure, ask. “What’s going on inside me?” is a good start.
- Let people in - a little at a time. Practice saying things like “I need…” or “I feel…” even if it feels awkward.
- Validate yourself. Remind yourself that your feelings are not silly, dramatic, or too much. They just are.
- Get support. Working with someone who understands childhood emotional neglect (CEN) can help you see yourself more clearly and challenge the critical voices inside.
You are not broken. You are not too needy. You are not unfeeling. You are someone who went without something vital, and you’re just now starting to reckon with that. And that is brave. Your feelings matter. You deserve connection. It’s not too late. And you do not have to do it all alone.
