Childhood emotional neglect

Childhood emotional neglect (CEN) is a tough experience that often goes unnoticed. Unlike physical abuse or neglect, emotional abuse is about what wasn’t provided—emotional support, validation, and understanding. In my work with clients, I am realising more often that behind the anxiety, depression or attachment disorders lies CEN.

What is childhood emotional neglect?

CEN happens when a child’s emotional needs are overlooked or dismissed. These needs might include affection, encouragement, empathy, or validation. It's not about a lack of love—most kids with childhood emotional neglect grow up in homes where they're physically cared for—but emotionally, something is missing.  

This is not about hating your parents but understanding that they are just people doing the best they can. Parents of children who experience emotional neglect often struggle themselves. They might be emotionally unavailable or overwhelmed and don't realise how important emotional nurturing is. Over time, the child internalises the idea that their feelings don’t matter, and this often carries over into adulthood, making it hard to recognise or express emotions.

Signs of childhood emotional neglect in adults

Although CEN happens in childhood, its effects often show up later in life. Clients I’ve worked with frequently describe feeling empty, disconnected from their emotions, and battling beliefs like "I’m not enough" or "I’m too much." Here are some signs that may suggest CEN is at play:

• Difficulty expressing emotions: People with CEN often struggle to identify or communicate how they feel, this creates a sense of disconnection from self and others. They may even feel emotionally numb or detached, making relationships and life feel like hard work.  
• Low self-worth: When emotional needs aren’t validated in childhood, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy as an adult. They may feel their needs are too much to ask for because they never have.  
• Perfectionism: Many high achievers with CEN use their accomplishments to feel validated, but this rarely leads to lasting emotional fulfilment.  They get their worth from doing well, they can feel confident at work because it is not emotional.
• Challenges in intimacy and relationships: These adults may find it difficult to connect emotionally with others, and their relationships may feel shallow or unfulfilling.  Alternatively, they cannot get it right, they are baffled by what is being asked of them.
• Chronic loneliness: Even when surrounded by people or achieving success, there is often a deep sense of loneliness, like something’s missing.

How CEN affects relationships

Clients who grew up with emotional neglect might have trouble being vulnerable or forming emotionally intimate connections. They might unintentionally push others away or fail to recognise their partner’s need for emotional validation, connection, and need to be close.  

Because they didn’t learn to express emotions as kids, it can feel hard now. They may even crave emotional connection but struggle to create it, or may have gotten so used to suppressing emotions that they don’t even know what they are feeling, or how to share if they do.

Healing from childhood emotional neglect

Healing is a slow process but possible. It starts with recognising and acknowledging the neglect, and then building a new relationship with yourself. Here is how I have seen clients take steps toward healing:

• Awareness and acknowledgement: Many people who have experienced CEN are not even aware of it. The first step is realising that emotional neglect happened. That awareness can be the turning point.  It is not okay and you deserve better. It is not your fault you are this way, you were not born this way.  This happened to you.
• Understanding emotional needs: One of the biggest challenges in recovery is learning to identify what emotional needs even look like. I encourage my clients to practice emotional literacy—understanding how to name their feelings and express them. Apps like "Wheel of Feels" can help with this.
• Self-compassion: Those who have been emotionally neglected often carry a lot of self-criticism and have a loud intrusive Inner Critic. Learning to be kinder to yourself is crucial. Accepting your emotions without judgment allows for real healing.
• Building emotional awareness in relationships: It is not just about connecting with your own emotions, but also about learning how to communicate those emotions with others. Building emotional awareness in relationships with partners, friends, and family is key.
• Therapy and support: Working with a therapist who understands CEN can be invaluable. They can help you reframe negative thought patterns and create healthier emotional responses.

Practical steps for healing

If you’re looking to heal, here are some steps you can start with:

Emotion journaling: Write down your emotions each day. Even small moments of discomfort can be useful to track.

Self-validation: Every day, remind yourself that your feelings matter. If you’re feeling anxious, for example, acknowledge it by saying, "It’s okay to feel anxious."

Set boundaries: If you struggle with asserting your needs, start small. Set boundaries with people in your life—whether it's asking for some time alone or speaking up when you feel unheard.

Seek connection: Healing from emotional neglect often means building new, supportive relationships. Find people who can offer the empathy and understanding you missed growing up. It might be uncomfortable at first, but it’s worth it.

Final thoughts

Healing from childhood emotional neglect isn’t about overcoming a single event; it’s about recognising the lasting effects of emotional deprivation and taking steps to reconnect with your emotions and others. The journey can be tough, but deeply rewarding, knowing that this is not your fault, you were not born ‘difficult’ ‘quiet’ ‘troubled’ or whatever labels you were given. With the right support and self-compassion, healing is entirely possible.

You deserve to feel heard, seen, and loved—by others and yourself. It might take time, but recovery is possible.

Recommended reading

Books I recommend:

• Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb. This book dives deep into the impact of CEN and offers practical exercises to help you start healing.
• The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown. Brown’s work on self-compassion and embracing imperfection resonates with anyone recovering from emotional neglect.