Living in the grey: learning to cope with uncertainty

Do you ever find yourself wanting absolute certainty in situations? 

You might worry about a work event coming up and want to feel certain it will go well. Maybe you worry about saying the wrong thing, not saying enough or making a fool of yourself. Or maybe you want to ask someone out on a date and want certainty they will say yes. “What if they don’t like me?” “What if I get rejected?” “What if they say no?”

Or maybe you have been putting off applying for that dream job you really want, but the fear of failure and not knowing whether you will definitely get it is too overwhelming to bear. “What if I’m not good enough” “What if I haven’t got enough experience?” “What if I can’t answer any of the interview questions?”

Life can be tricky because so many things are uncertain. If you have anxiety it can feel like your world is gradually getting smaller and smaller as you start slowly avoiding the things that make you feel anxious or are uncertain.

It’s really hard to put yourself out there if you don’t know if you are going to be successful or fail. You may worry about others’ opinions of you and the fear of judgement may even stop you moving forward towards getting what you really want in life.

You are not alone

If you feel this way you are not alone.

If you struggle with dealing with uncertainty, you are certainly not alone. For many people who experience anxiety facing uncertainty it is a major challenge. It is even something I still have to work on from time to time as an anxiety therapist and I have worked with many clients facing this issue.

So what do you do if nothing in life is certain? How do you cope if you do fail? This is a question I get asked a lot as an anxiety therapist and it’s absolutely true that nothing in life is certain or guaranteed.

Living in the grey

So you have a decision to make. You can either choose to live a life where anxiety takes the driving seat, you avoid what you fear which leads to your life getting smaller and smaller. Or you can make decisions based on your values, what is important to you in your life and based on the life you want to lead.

I call this “living in the grey”. This is where you go for that job interview despite knowing you may or may not fail. This is tolerating that the discomfort of attending that work event even though you are not sure how it will go. This is asking that person out on the date even if they may or may not say yes.

It’s knowing that even if it is uncomfortable, you can tolerate the difficult feelings and recognise that all negative feelings eventually pass anyway, you have coped with hard things before and can again.

Stretching your comfort zone

It’s allowing yourself to tolerate anxiety and uncertainty to stretch your comfort zone slowly until you are able to live the life you desire, which is rich and vibrant and full colour, rich with high’s lows and all the grey area in between.

The great news is every time that you can face a fear and tolerate it, your brain is learning that you can cope. Over time, many people find that situations that once felt overwhelming begin to feel less daunting.

However, it’s important to take it slow so you don’t overwhelm yourself here. Many people find the support of a professional therapist helpful here as they can guide you at the right pace to take when facing anxiety.

Anxiety and control 

For many people who struggle with anxiety they will often cope with uncertainty by trying to excessively control situations. They may try and control the situation or try and control others around them. For example, the person going for the job interview may over prepare, spending hours and hours completing the application form or researching questions when they didn’t need to as they were very experienced.

Or the person worrying about a work event may say they're sick to take control and avoid the event so they don’t have to face the anxiety and uncertainty.

The illusion of control

Control is an illusion as in life we are not able to control everything. For many people they use control as a way to feel safer often as an attempt to create certainty. There are things that we can control in life and there are many things that we will never be able to control. Every day we walk out in the road we risk getting knocked over by a car, but we do this as if we didn’t go outside we wouldn’t be able to get on with our lives at all.

The key is focusing on the things we can control and improve and letting go of what we are unable to control.

How to live in the grey

So if you experience anxiety, you may want to consider “living in the grey” by not allowing anxiety to make all of the decisions for you. Trying to live in the uncertainty of life by letting go of some of the control and making decisions based on the life you want to lead and not by what anxiety is telling you to do.

Further support for coping with anxiety and uncertainty

If any of this resonates with you, remember that you don't have to face anxiety alone. With the right support, it is possible to build confidence in handling uncertainty and stop anxiety from limiting your life. Reaching out to a qualified therapist can be a helpful first step towards making the changes you would like to see.