Closing the 'What if' gap

Are you prone to examining your life? We all, at some point, indulge in some reflection of our lives, our connections and our desires. We may do this at a certain age or significant birthday, we may do this after a traumatic event, loss or diagnosis, or we may do it in therapy.

But, when we do, we can find ourselves in one of two spaces. We can look back with nostalgia and pride, accepting our experiences and choices that led us to this moment and see all that has been achieved, survived and built. We may focus on the progress we have made, the legacy we are creating and the learning we have gained from our mistakes and our adventures. 

Or we could just see the gaps.

The gaps we see in ourselves

Like a puzzle that has pieces missing, gaps exist in our perception of ourselves and our lives. The gap may exist in our observation of all the decisions we did not make and all the paths we did not take. We see each decision not as a decision we made and accepted, but as a decision that closed off all other possibilities. We think of all the things we could have done, the outcomes that could have been and fill the gaps with imaginary possibilities, beating ourselves up for not being what we could have been, rather than appreciating what we are.

Or we see the gap between what we have achieved and our expectations. We hold ideals for all aspects of ourselves, our careers, our relationships, our bodies, our choices and when we don’t reach these ideals, we see only the gap between where we are and where we ‘should’ be. We are wildly aware of how we don’t measure up, how far there is to go in becoming the pinnacle of ourselves.

The biggest gap, though, is the ‘What if’ gap. Rather than a gap, this can be a deep, dark hole we find ourselves in. Because ‘What if’ is an eternal space, filled with endless imaginary possibilities, almost unsatisfiable. ‘What if’ doesn’t come from a rational place; it isn’t something we can always reason or talk ourselves out of. It comes from an emotional place: our fears, desires, dreams, disappointments. 

How to shift your perspective

So, how do you change where your attention lies? How do you shift your gaze from the missing puzzle pieces to the big, beautiful (although imperfect) picture? How do you actively fill some of those gaps with new pieces of joy, adventure and growth?

1. Practice gratitude

I know, it’s a cheesy buzzword thrown around! But gratitude asks us to look carefully at what has brought glimmers of fun, joy, curiosity, and earning in our daily lives. Even on the worst days, quietly reflecting on those things that we are grateful for can shift our perspective.

2. Ask ‘What is’ rather than ‘What if’

What is actually true? What do you have the facts for? Ground yourself in the present and allow the realities of the moment or your experience in. 

3. Embrace acceptance

There will be imperfections in your picture, there will be regrets, embarrassing moments, and things you would do again differently. Accept that they are a part of your history and have shaped you into who you are. Allow the messy bits.

4. Ask ‘What do I want?’

The world and people around us will want things from us. They will ask to think, behave, dress, look and meet their needs in certain ways. Amongst that noise, what we want, what we enjoy, who we want to be and what makes us happy can be lost. Ask yourself those questions often and see what replies you get.