When did being kind to ourselves become so difficult?

I've often wondered why we can be so understanding towards other people, yet so incredibly hard on ourselves.

A friend makes a mistake, and we're usually quite good at reassuring them. We can see that they're having a difficult time, that they're only human and that getting something wrong doesn't make them a bad person.

But when it's us? We can spend hours going over what happened, questioning what we said or telling ourselves we should have known better. Sometimes the way we speak to ourselves can be far harsher than anything we'd ever say to somebody else.

It's something I've become increasingly interested in through my work as a person-centred counsellor, particularly when exploring anxiety, overthinking and how people see themselves.

Where do these expectations come from?

I don't think most of us wake up one morning and decide we're not good enough. Often, the way we see ourselves develops gradually through our experiences, relationships and the messages we've picked up throughout our lives.

Perhaps you grew up in an environment where doing well was particularly important. Maybe you learnt that keeping other people happy was the easiest way to avoid conflict. Or perhaps showing emotion wasn't encouraged, so you became somebody who kept things to themselves. These experiences can shape what we come to expect of ourselves.

In person-centred counselling, we sometimes talk about conditions of worth. It's a concept developed by Carl Rogers, and it's one I find particularly useful when thinking about self-acceptance. Essentially, it describes how we can come to believe that certain parts of ourselves are acceptable while others aren't.

We might feel valued when we're helpful, successful or agreeable, but struggle to accept ourselves when we're angry, frightened or need support. Over time, these expectations can become so familiar that we stop questioning them. They simply become the way we think we should be.

Trying to be the person everyone needs

Something I've noticed is how easily people can lose sight of their own needs when they're constantly trying to meet everybody else's. You might be the person everyone relies on. The one who sorts things out, keeps everyone happy or makes sure everything gets done.

Perhaps you've become so used to being that person that you don't really consider whether it's what you want anymore. Saying no can feel uncomfortable. Asking for help might feel like admitting you've failed. Even taking time for yourself can bring feelings of guilt.

I think it's worth considering what happens when the expectations we've placed on ourselves become impossible to maintain. Because there are going to be days when we're tired, frustrated, or simply don't have the capacity to do everything. That doesn't make us selfish or inadequate. It makes us human.

The exhausting business of overthinking

Overthinking is another area I find particularly interesting. You might have a conversation with somebody and think nothing of it at the time. Then later that evening, you start replaying it. Did I say the wrong thing? Did they seem annoyed? Should I have explained myself differently? Before you know it, you've spent an hour analysing a conversation that the other person might barely remember.

Of course, sometimes reflecting on things can be useful. It helps us learn, understand our relationships and make decisions. But there's a difference between reflecting on something and becoming stuck in it. Sometimes the more we think, the less certain we become.

And I wonder whether part of that comes from wanting to avoid getting things wrong. If we can just think through every possible outcome, perhaps we can protect ourselves from criticism, rejection or disappointment. Unfortunately, life doesn't always give us that certainty.

We can't control how everybody sees us, and we can't guarantee that every decision we make will be the right one. That's not always easy to accept, particularly when we've spent years expecting ourselves to get everything right.

Are we allowed to make mistakes?

I think we're often far more forgiving of other people's mistakes than our own. We can understand that somebody was tired, stressed or dealing with something difficult. Yet when we behave in a way we're unhappy with, we might immediately start questioning our character.

Rather than thinking, "I handled that badly", it becomes, "I'm a terrible person." Those are two very different things. One allows us to recognise something we might want to do differently. The other can leave us feeling that there's something fundamentally wrong with who we are.

I'm not suggesting we should ignore our behaviour or avoid taking responsibility for our actions. Quite the opposite. I think being able to recognise when we've got something wrong is important, but I don't believe we have to punish ourselves in order to learn from it.

What does accepting ourselves actually mean? 

Self-acceptance can sometimes be misunderstood. It doesn't mean believing everything we do is wonderful or that there's nothing about ourselves we might want to change. And it certainly doesn't mean we stop taking responsibility for how we treat other people. It's more about being able to recognise who we are without constantly measuring ourselves against who we think we should be.

We all have parts of ourselves we're comfortable with and parts we might find more difficult. Perhaps you're somebody who gets anxious in certain situations. Maybe you struggle with anger, find relationships complicated or worry too much about what other people think. Those experiences might be uncomfortable, but they don't have to define your entire identity.

We can sometimes spend so much energy trying to get rid of the parts of ourselves we don't like that we never really stop to understand them. And understanding something isn't the same as agreeing with it.

You can explore why you become angry without deciding that every expression of anger is acceptable. You can recognise why you find saying no difficult without forcing yourself to suddenly become somebody who finds it easy. Sometimes change begins with understanding rather than criticism.

What counselling can offer

One thing I value about person-centred counselling is that it doesn't begin with the assumption that the counsellor knows what's best for somebody. I don't believe I can understand somebody's life better than they do simply because I've trained as a counsellor. What I can offer is a relationship where they can explore their experiences without feeling judged or told what they should do.

Sometimes people begin counselling with a very clear idea of what's 'wrong' with them. They might describe themselves as weak, overly sensitive, difficult or not good enough. As we explore those beliefs, there can be opportunities to understand where they've come from and whether they still reflect how that person wants to see themselves.

That doesn't necessarily happen quickly. Some beliefs have been with us for a very long time, but having the space to question them can be valuable.

Perhaps we could be a little less hard on ourselves

I don't think anybody can simply decide to stop being self-critical. If you've spent years expecting yourself to get everything right, being told to be kinder to yourself probably won't change much. Sometimes the suggestion itself can become another expectation. Now you're not only criticising yourself, but you're also criticising yourself for being critical.

Perhaps there's a different place to start. Rather than trying to force ourselves to think positively, we could become a little more interested in why we think the way we do. Where did those expectations come from? Are they realistic? And are they even ours? We can sometimes forget that we're allowed to change our minds about who we want to be. We're allowed to have needs, make mistakes and not have everything worked out.

Perhaps being kinder to ourselves doesn't have to mean becoming a completely different person. Maybe it's simply about beginning to give ourselves some of the understanding we've been offering everybody else for years and perhaps be a friend to ourselves.