Learning how to look after ourselves

As children, we needed to be looked after to survive. Unlike other mammals, we do not gain independence for many years. Instead, we require sufficient care and attention, food and water to be provided for us, and protection from threats and danger. We are dependent on another, or ideally others, in a community.

Then we become adults. Reluctantly, and sometimes quite harshly, pushed into a position of having to fend for ourselves. The label of adult comes with responsibilities and expectations, one of these being that you know how to look after yourself as well as others. Some of us take on the role of parent long before we are ready. Becoming parents to ourselves, parents to our parents, parents to our children.

No adult guidebook

It is often assumed that we know what to do, how to be an adult, and that we can look after ourselves adequately. The problem with this assumption is that it is not always true. Just because we are perceived in a certain way, it does not mean this is who we are or that we suddenly start being.

How do we learn to look after ourselves if we were never taught, if we never had others in our lives who were good examples of what it means to look after ourselves? Or what if their strategies just do not work for us?

The basics might be obvious, such as how to acquire food, water and shelter. But what about our emotional needs, perhaps our spiritual needs? Also, if we drill down further, our physical needs may not be as straightforward as they initially appear. What nutrition does our body need? How aware are we of when we start to feel dehydrated? How do we know when we are eating for emotional comfort or because our body requires energy?

Self-neglect

We often talk about self-care as if it is a luxury, but in its absence, self-neglect exists. If we are not actively looking after ourselves and ensuring our survival, we will start to suffer from this negligence. If a child is being neglected by a caregiver, we reel in horror, yet we fail to acknowledge the destructive nature of being negligent caregivers to ourselves.

The result of prolonged periods of not taking care of ourselves can present in many forms, such as burnout, depression, anxiety, overwhelm, physical ailments, addictive behaviours, disordered eating and exhaustion. We kept moving forward with minimal regard for ourselves until somewhere along the line our body, mind and/or soul could not move forward in a functional way anymore.

Take care

So, what went wrong?

We may have never considered that we need to learn how to look after ourselves. Becoming a good enough parent is a learning process. It requires continual interaction and feedback from the child we are caring for. We acknowledge that every individual is just that, an individual. Our care needs to be nuanced. To learn more, we ask the child, “Are you OK?” “What would you like?” “What do you want to do?” We are curious to find out the answers to these questions, indicating to us how best we can look after the child.

We know that we must investigate and be curious to find out the needs of others. Unfortunately, we often have not extended the same curiosity practice to ourselves. As children, we can be placed in the adult or parent role at a young age, due to struggles our own parents or caregivers face. We may have therefore learnt that looking after ourselves comes secondary to looking after someone else. Or that we must ignore our own needs. Re-connecting that communicative pathway to notice and respond to our needs can therefore be challenging.

We need to get to know ourselves and understand what our needs are, and how they change. Then we can respond accordingly. The only way to do this is to ask ourselves questions and honestly listen for the answers. “Do I need to do the washing up tonight, as it will boost my mood by helping me feel like I am in a cleaner and more spacious environment, or do I need to leave it for tomorrow, because I need rest right now?” “Do I need to be around friends tonight or spend some time by myself?”

The answers to these questions might fluctuate from one moment to another, as our needs or priorities change, and that is OK. We might have conflicting needs, so go with the one that feels most pressing in the moment. We do not judge or punish children for changing their minds or having demanding needs, so why do it to ourselves?

Over time, the questioning process will feel less strange. Sure, it requires effort. But, as with all habits, it becomes more familiar. And building that relationship with yourself is rewarding. You figure out what you need and listen to yourself. You get to give yourself and receive what you need. You become a good enough parent to yourself. You learn to look after yourself better. You feel better.

Eventually, you may start to communicate to others how you would like to be cared for by them, too. Therapy can help with this. A therapist can explore with you examples you bring from your day-to-day life of not feeling cared for, and together you can investigate how to better identify and communicate your needs in the future. Or in real time, the therapist might help you consider how it is to be supported by them in the session. Therapy can also act as a space of safety in which to practice articulating your needs.

So, how do we learn to take care of ourselves? There is no manual, and it takes time. But at any moment, you can choose to engage in the process by simply asking yourself, “What do I need?”