How we can learn to stop people pleasing and over-giving

Many of us grow up believing that putting others first is a sign of goodness, of love, of strength. We’re taught that generosity is noble, that selflessness is a virtue, and that our worth is measured by how much we do for those around us. But what happens when that giving becomes so constant, so expected, that we begin to disappear in the process?

This pattern of always prioritising others doesn’t usually come from nowhere. For many, it starts in childhood. Maybe you were the one who kept the peace in your family, the “good” child who helped and soothed and smoothed over everyone else’s emotions. Maybe you learned early on that love and safety were conditional - that being useful, needed, or self-sacrificing earned you closeness or approval. And maybe, over time, this became a part of who you thought you had to be in order to belong.

At first, giving can feel good. It can give us a sense of purpose and connection. Being the dependable one, the helper, can even become part of our identity. But when giving is rooted in fear - fear of rejection, fear of not being enough, fear of being abandoned - it stops being a gift and starts becoming a form of self-protection. And it often comes with a heavy cost.

Over-giving is exhausting. It wears you down in ways that can be hard to name. You might feel invisible in your own life, overwhelmed by the weight of everyone else’s needs. You might start to feel resentful, then feel guilty for feeling resentful. You might lie awake at night, wondering why you always seem to be the one doing the emotional heavy lifting, and why nobody notices that you’re tired.

The hard truth is that when we give too much for too long without receiving care in return, something inside us begins to quietly burn out. But because giving has been tied to our sense of identity or safety, we keep doing it - even when we’re running on empty. Even when it hurts.

What makes this even more complicated is that many people don’t even realise they’re over-giving. It feels normal. It feels like love. And in some ways, it is. But love that constantly drains us isn’t sustainable. Love that never allows us to rest, to receive, to say no - that’s not love rooted in mutuality. It’s love tangled up with fear.

Sometimes, over-giving is also a way to avoid vulnerability. As long as you’re the one giving, you don’t have to risk asking for what you need. You don’t have to wonder whether anyone will show up for you in return. But this kind of control comes at a cost: loneliness, resentment, and a deep longing to be met where you are, not just for what you can offer. And yet, we struggle to stop. Because the idea of prioritising ourselves feels foreign. Or worse - selfish. Many of us carry guilt just for having needs at all. We’re afraid to take up space. Afraid to let someone down. Afraid to change the dynamic in relationships that have come to depend on us always saying yes.

But truthfully, your needs matter. You matter. And shifting this dynamic doesn’t mean you stop caring for others. It means you start including yourself in the care.

So, how do you begin to stop people pleasing?

Start with awareness. Begin noticing when you’re giving out of fear, habit, or guilt rather than genuine desire. Ask yourself: “Am I doing this because I truly want to? Or because I feel like I have to?” The answer might surprise you. And that awareness is powerful - it opens the door to choice.

Next, allow yourself to feel the discomfort that may come with setting boundaries. It will feel unfamiliar at first. You might worry about how others will react. But discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong - it means you’re doing something new. And new things always take practice. You can start small. Decline a request that feels like too much. Take a break even if nobody else is. Ask for help, even if it makes you feel exposed.

Bit by bit, you begin to rewrite the story that says your worth is based on how much you do for others.

You begin to believe that your well-being is not a luxury - it’s a necessity.
And yes, some relationships might shift when you stop over-giving. But healthy, reciprocal connections can hold boundaries. They don’t fall apart when you start honouring yourself - they grow stronger.

Over time, you’ll begin to notice a change. Maybe it’s the sense of relief when you say no without guilt. Maybe it’s the joy of doing something just for you. Or maybe it’s the quiet, grounded confidence that comes from knowing your needs are valid, not more or less than anyone else’s, but equal.

This isn’t about becoming selfish. It’s about becoming whole. It’s about knowing that your worth isn’t something you have to earn through endless effort. It’s already there, inherent, steady, and unshakeable. You can still be kind. You can still be generous. But now, your giving can come from a place of fullness rather than depletion. From love, not fear. From freedom, not obligation.

You deserve the same care you so freely offer others. And when you begin to offer that care to yourself, everything starts to change - from the inside out.