How patriarchy is harming men – and how therapy can help

Many men hear the word patriarchy and instinctively brace themselves, as if criticising patriarchy is an attack on them personally. But patriarchy is harming men too – often in ways we don’t know how to talk about.

As an embodied relational therapist, I’ve reflected on how cultural expectations of masculinity show up in the therapy room. For many men, opening up feels uncomfortable, even like a weakness or a failure. Traditional masculinity – sometimes called “toxic masculinity” – has celebrated strength, control, and certainty, while dismissing vulnerability, emotional expression, and sensitivity as “unmanly.”

This has led to a wall for many men, that it feels so hard to break through, and can result in feelings of depression – as we try and negotiate these social changes.

For others, it can feel that by being a man who can be vulnerable and sensitive, we are failing as men leading to self-attack and anxiety.

This narrow script limits everyone: men, women, and people across the gender spectrum.

The cost of silence

For men, the pressure to hide emotions and insecurities can be devastating. On one side, we’re told not to show weakness. On the other, we’re criticised for being too angry, too dominant, or too shut down.

Stuck in this double bind, many men who come to therapy experience depression, anxiety, or self-attack.

Silence comes at a cost. Bottling things up often leads to many difficult outcomes including strained relationships with those we love, struggles with addiction, or difficulty managing anger – whether it’s turned inward on ourselves or outward on others.

What therapy offers men

Therapy gives men permission to step outside this script. It’s a safe space to be more fully yourself – have space for the confusion and doubt of living in a changing world.

As writer Grayson Perry suggests in The Descent of Man, masculinity can include vulnerability, uncertainty, and emotional openness. For many men, this feels like a radical shift – but therapy is a place for it.

In embodied relational therapy, we pay attention to how emotions live in the body: the tight chest, the clenched jaw, the weight of shame. With support, these patterns can soften, unlocking a fuller, freer experience of yourself as a man.

A different kind of strength

Strength does not have to be about never flinching or hiding your feelings. It’s about being able to face your whole self – anger, sadness, shame, tenderness, even joy – and continuing to stay present for yourself and others.

As bell hooks reminds us, “Dismantling and challenging patriarchal culture is work men and women must do together.”

And it can feel like a relief for everyone.

For men, that work begins with having safe places to explore how cultural scripts have shaped their lives. Therapy can be one of those places.

Taking the first step

If you’re a man considering therapy, hesitation is normal. It can feel exposing to admit what’s really going on inside. But therapy isn’t about judgement – it’s about support, exploration, and growth.

A therapist should not try to take your masculinity away. Instead, they should help you discover a stronger, freer version of yourself – one that makes space for all your emotions, not just the ones society has labelled "acceptable".