How growing up with narcissistic parents shapes your inner critic

Do you ever wonder why the voice in your head that tells you you're failing never shuts up? 'Why do I always get everything wrong? Why am I such a failure? Would it just be easier if I wasn't here?'

That voice – the one that whispers (or sometimes shouts) that you're not doing enough, not good enough, not worthy enough – is your inner critic.

If you grew up with a narcissistic parent, that voice likely isn’t even yours – it’s the echoes of their unrealistic expectations, shifting moods, and constant criticism. When a parent is highly self-focused, emotionally unpredictable, or only offers love when you meet their needs, you learn to seek approval all the time while constantly questioning yourself.

Where does your inner critic come from?

Your inner critic develops as a survival mechanism – a way to navigate the unpredictable environment of a narcissistic parent. If you were constantly adapting to their moods, trying to be “good enough” to avoid criticism or withdrawal, that inner voice is like a terrified child doing whatever it can to stay safe.

Signs you grew up with a narcissistic parent and how it shapes your inner critic

• Love felt conditional. Praise only came when you achieved something that made them look good. Now, your inner critic tells you that you’re only worthy when you’re excelling.
• Criticism was constant. You may have been told you were “too sensitive” or “not good enough.” This leads to an inner critic that never lets you feel satisfied with yourself.
• Your feelings were dismissed. If your parent always made their problems bigger than yours, you may struggle to validate your own emotions, thinking, “Maybe I’m overreacting.”
• You became the peacemaker. If you learned to walk on eggshells to avoid setting them off, you might now overthink everything you say and do, driven by a fear of conflict.
• Perfectionism became your coping mechanism. If mistakes weren’t tolerated, your inner critic likely shames you for anything less than perfect.

These messages may have once helped you survive, but as adults, they keep us stuck in cycles of self-doubt, guilt, and anxiety.

How to quiet your inner critic

One simple yet powerful way to take control of your inner critic is through affirmations. I know it sounds a bit woo-woo and too over simple but the simple things done consistently really can help.

Step 1: Notice your 5 most repetitive negative thoughts

Your inner critic is on autopilot, often repeating the same few messages over and over. Start by noticing and writing down the five negative thoughts you catch yourself thinking the most. It might be things like:

• I'm not good enough.
• I’ll probably fail, so why try?
• People won’t like me if I don’t do everything perfectly.

Step 2: Create an alternative positive thought

Our brains can’t hold two conflicting thoughts at once – so if we consciously introduce a different thought, we start rewiring our response.

For each negative thought, create an alternative, kind compassionate statement:

• I am good enough.
• Progress over perfection as perfect doesn't exist.
• I don’t have to be perfect to be loved.

Each time the negative thought appears, recite the positive one – out loud if you can or write it down. When my inner critic is loud, I journal until I get to a place where I can find facts and self-compassion. Over time, this practice weakens the inner critic’s power over you and you can learn to speak to yourself in a similar way to how you speak to your children or best friend.

Therapy can help you rewrite the story

The inner critic is often deeply tied to childhood experiences and past wounds. Working with a therapist allows you to:

• Identify where your inner critic comes from (family dynamics, past experiences).
• Challenge the beliefs you internalised that no longer serve you.
• Learn tools to self-regulate and create a more compassionate inner voice.

Therapy helps you replace self-judgment with self-acceptance, so you can finally stop making all your decisions based on fear of something going wrong and start to believe in yourself and reparent yourself in the way you always deserved.

When we stop making decisions based on worst-case scenarios, it transforms every area of our lives:

• We take more risks. Instead of avoiding hard things because we can only focus on things going wrong, we apply for that job, start a business, or take time for ourselves without guilt.
• We build better relationships. Instead of fearing rejection, we connect more deeply and let ourselves be seen, and be vulnerable.
• We become the parent we needed. Instead of repeating old patterns, we raise our children with emotional security and self-worth.

Your past may have shaped your inner critic, but it doesn’t have to define your future – and this is my favourite part of my job. I get to be your cheerleader until you learn to have the self-compassion it takes to believe in yourself.