Differing views in relationships

When we talk about “facts,” we mean the things that can be checked or proven – like dates, events, or concrete evidence. “Fiction,” on the other hand, refers to our personal interpretations: the stories, memories, and emotions that colour how we see the world.

A counsellor's goal isn’t to settle debates or decide who’s right and who’s wrong. It’s to help each person find out what their beliefs mean to them, and how those beliefs shape their life and relationships. True connection starts when someone feels listened to, rather than argued with.

The need to be right - what lies beneath?

Wanting to be right is deeply human. Often, it’s about safety, belonging, or not wanting to let go of a narrative that feels foundational. In counselling, it's important to make space to unpack those feelings. There’s no judgement - just gentle curiosity. Sometimes, the act of being heard can make “being right” less urgent and less defensive.

Why do we need to win the point?

For many of us, winning an argument can feel essential - like gaining respect, defending our worth, or proving we matter. Sometimes it’s about believing that if we lose, others won’t take us seriously, or we’ll be left exposed or vulnerable. Deep down, the urge to win can be driven by old wounds, fear of rejection, or the simple hope that certainty will make life more manageable.

But what happens if we choose not to win the point? Often, something unexpected emerges. We might find relief from the pressure of having to defend every thought or feeling. We can discover space to learn, to empathise, and even to connect more honestly - with ourselves and with others. Letting go of winning isn’t weakness; it’s making room for connection instead of a running tally of victories and defeats.

Fact, fiction, and “your side of the story”

Feelings are always valid, but they’re not always the full picture. The views we hold might come from history, upbringing, hopes, or hurts, and not just objective facts. For instance, if someone tells me in session, “No one ever listens to me,” we’ll look at the experiences behind that feeling. We’ll also ask whether there’s ever been a time when someone did listen, what that felt like, and what made it different. My role as a counsellor is to open up both sides, so new possibilities can emerge.

While feelings and personal perspectives matter, there are times when factual accuracy is essential, like decisions affecting safety, health, or justice. In these moments, being right isn’t just opinion; it's crucial for wellbeing, trust, and fair outcomes.

Understanding ourselves and seeing nuance

Understanding ourselves and why we hold certain views can be surprisingly empowering. When we make space for self-reflection, it’s easier to feel confident in our own beliefs without needing to jump on the latest bandwagon or get swept up in polarised debate. We become better able to see that the facts presented aren’t always clear-cut; more often, they’re nuanced and layered, inviting us to look a little deeper.

Listening with our ears, not our mouths

One lesson I return to again and again, both in my practice and my own life, is the importance of active listening. It’s easy to respond, defend, or plot our next argument while someone else speaks. But growth happens when we listen with our ears and not our mouths. In other words, pausing the urge to jump in, letting the other person’s words sink in, and really understanding before responding.

Next time there’s a disagreement, allow yourself to just hear the other person out. Listen for the emotion, the hope, the vulnerability beneath their words. You might be surprised at what shifts when the conversation is more about understanding than winning.

It’s just a point of view

Most arguments are about perspective, not truth. 

Sometimes, what sparks an argument feels urgent – almost as if it’s a universal fact. But if we look closer, much of what upsets, divides, or pressures us is simply one person’s opinion, not an immutable truth. Recognising this can make it easier to step back, breathe, and remember that debate is not proof, and not everything is as absolute as it sounds.

In therapy, I like to remind clients that their view is valid, but just one angle. Listening, really listening, makes space for both sides. When we get curious instead of defensive, we open up possibilities for learning and connection. There’s always more than one story, and that’s okay.

Navigating conflict - in therapy and life

Conflict is part of human life. What matters is how we handle it. In therapy, I help people express themselves honestly, set healthy boundaries, and learn to listen with openness. Sometimes, moving from “I need to win” to “I’m curious about your view” can transform even the toughest relationships. Space for difference doesn’t have to mean disconnection.

Bringing in some compassion can help us handle conflict more skillfully, whether you’re debating a point, managing a tough conversation, or simply trying to be heard. Sometimes, responding with genuine kindness (“kill them with kindness,” as the saying goes) disarms hostility and builds trust, making it easier to listen and be listened to. At the end of the day, it’s compassion that transforms differences into opportunities for learning and growth.

Are feelings facts? Let’s untangle

We spend a lot of time in sessions separating feelings from facts – not to invalidate emotion, but to bring clarity and self-awareness. Exploring where beliefs come from and what that says about us helps build stronger relationships with ourselves and others.

Empathy, boundaries, and healing

Empathy is the glue that allows us to meet conflict without hostility. By listening deeply and respecting differences, we create connection and allow healing to happen.

So perhaps it is not about winning after all. Most of the time, it’s far more freeing to step back, get curious, and allow room for every side of the story, including our own. Counselling is a space where we can untangle the difference between what’s truly factual and what’s simply our personal story, recognising that both matter - but they’re not always the same.

If you’re finding yourself stuck, feeling unheard, or just needing a safe place to explore what’s yours and what’s someone else’s, please know you’re not alone. Reach out if you’d like to talk.