Healing the feeling of being misplaced

Feeling misplaced – does this sound familiar?

Do you ever feel like you're never in the right place in life? Like you’ve never really found your place in the world and maybe never will?

Where does this feeling come from? Why is it so common? And most importantly, what can we do about it?

This feeling often relates to our existential situation, how we learned to view the world, and our general outlook on life. And where does that come from?

Unsurprisingly, it often has roots in the past, especially in our upbringing and the people who were close to us as we grew up. How did they treat you? How did they view the world? What kind of beliefs and attitudes about life did you inherit from them?

If your parents or caregivers had a negative view of reality, full of worry, fear, or anxiety, it’s likely that you somehow absorbed, at least partially, that same worldview. They may have been shaped by their own life experiences: difficult events, financial struggles, or unstable environments. Their perspective on life influenced yours, often without anyone realising it.

I’ve worked with clients whose parents were likely depressed, though never officially diagnosed. Children are very sensitive to their caregivers’ emotional states. They use these emotions as a map to understand the world. It’s no surprise, then, that many of these clients developed similar low moods or depressive symptoms as adults.

Our inherited worldviews don’t just influence how we feel; they also shape the choices we make. And many of these decisions were likely made from a place of fear, especially the fear of not being safe, or not fitting in, which are very deeply related. Indeed, how can social animals such as human beings feel safe on their own? It goes without saying that human beings seek others’ approval to feel safe and protected by the group. Think, for example, about your career path. What drove that choice? Was it something you were genuinely passionate about? Or was it driven by financial worries, or a desire for security or social recognition (which is also a reflection of fear as mentioned earlier)?

When major life decisions (about our job, relationships, or lifestyle) are based more on fear than on our authentic desires and longing, we can end up in a life that doesn’t feel like our own. Over time, we may lose touch with who we really are. Our identity becomes clouded by anxiety, and the authentic self is buried under layers of self-protection.

Eventually, we may find ourselves thinking, “This isn’t me. I don’t belong here.”

This painful sense of being misplaced is often the voice of your true self, crying out after being ignored or hidden for too long. It can lead to obsessive thoughts about the past or future, and often keep us up at night.

So what can we do?

Changing long-standing patterns isn’t quick or easy. These traits have often developed over a lifetime, starting in childhood. Real change may require making different life choices, and that can be challenging. But there are things we can begin doing today, small steps inspired by Psychosynthesis psychology that can gradually shift our outlook and reconnect us with ourselves.

Build awareness

Start by reflecting on your personal history. The more we understand ourselves, the less we are controlled by the past. If we investigate the roots of how we feel, why we think the way we do, we create the foundation for change. Knowledge is power.

Write down your thoughts. Ask yourself: Why do I feel this way? Where might these beliefs come from? What happened in my past that shaped my worldview? Writing brings clarity. It helps turn scattered thoughts into a coherent story, and coherence gives us a sense of control.

You might even consider writing a short autobiography, focusing on the key events and people who shaped you. Seeing your life laid out in this way can help you understand where certain feelings come from and why they linger.

You can also talk to people from your past, like your parents, family members, or old teachers, and ask them about their lives. Understanding their worldview can help you understand how yours was formed.

This process of self-reflection is what therapy often involves. We’re not ignoring the pain of feeling misplaced; we’re tracing it back to its origins and working with it.

Learn to sit with the feeling

It’s natural to want to get rid of the painful feeling of being misplaced. Naturally, we tend to try to fix it by thinking more and more about solutions, but overthinking usually makes it worse.

Instead, try to be with the feeling. Accept it. Notice it. Let it exist without trying to change it. You might even give it a name, or imagine it as a character: “Oh, here’s Mr. Munch again,” and just let it be there.

Let the thoughts and emotions that come with it rise and fall. Like waves, they will pass if we don’t fight them.

Break the loop

As we’ve seen, the feeling of being misplaced often comes from a fearful, anxious way of seeing the world, and making decisions based on that fear reinforces the cycle. The more fear-based choices we make, the more we lose touch with ourselves, which increases anxiety and deepens the sense of being lost.

It’s a loop. And we need to break it.

One way to try to do that is to make just one small decision that feels a bit odd but in some ways intriguing and, most importantly, that feels different from your usual way of going about your days. One choice, one little action, can begin to shift things. It will feel odd at the start, and you may feel critical and sceptical about it. The idea is to push yourself a little and do it anyway. 

For example, one client who struggled with negative thinking and felt trapped in a life that felt monotonous, with little sparkle and mostly revolving around duty and commitment to her career and family, one day decided to attend a dance class. She had never danced before, but felt somehow vaguely intrigued. In therapy, we agreed that despite her being only moderately interested and quite sceptical, she would have tried to attend the class once as a form of psychological experiment. She experienced resistance at first, but then, for the most part, she enjoyed the class, and this one small step helped her reconnect with a more lighthearted and playful part of herself. It marked the beginning of a process of experimenting with new ways of being and rekindling parts of her life that had grown dull.

The feeling of being misplaced is painful, but it does not have to be permanent. It is the result of our life’s trajectory, which was determined by the circumstances and worldviews that influenced us in our formative years and even after.

Although our outlook on life and the consequent choices we have made may have served us well so far, there is clearly a signal that something is asking to be heard, acknowledged, and nurtured. Through increasing awareness, acceptance, and small intentional actions, you can begin an exploration towards a more truthful and complete version of yourself and gradually find a place in the world that feels more authentically yourself.