Healing from limerence
Have you ever had a crush so intense that it felt like it was taking over your life? You might be single, or even in a long-term committed relationship, and yet unable to get your crush out of your mind.

Every conversation, every smile, every text from that person sends you into a whirlwind of emotions, and you can’t seem to focus on anything else…Or maybe you’ve never actually talked to them, but you’re constantly fantasising about what it would be like if they noticed you, or if you could be together.
You might be second-guessing every little thing you do, just trying to get their attention.
If you’ve been in this situation, you’re not alone.
What you’re experiencing is likely something called limerence.
What is limerence?
Limerence is a term coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s. It refers to an intense, obsessive form of infatuation with another person. You might feel completely consumed by thoughts of them, even when they’re not around. You’ll replay every interaction in your head, analysing everything they said or did, and try to read between the lines for signs that they might feel the same way about you.
It’s not just a normal crush—it goes deeper. It can mess with your emotions, leaving you feeling high one moment, and then low the next.
When you’re in the grip of limerence, it feels like your mind is constantly preoccupied with this person and your emotional state swings between hope and despair. Maybe they liked your photo on social media, and you’re on top of the world. Or maybe they didn’t respond to your message, and now you're spiralling, wondering what went wrong.
It can feel all-consuming, like you’re stuck in a loop you can’t escape from.
Why are you experiencing limerence?
People who experience limerence often go through it multiple times in their lives, shifting their intense feelings from one person to another. The person you're infatuated with may appear perfect, unique, or almost magical, and it may feel like these qualities are the reason you're so consumed by them. However, limerence is usually rooted in deeper, underlying issues within yourself, which are being projected onto this person, such as;
The need for validation:
If you’ve ever felt like you're not good enough on your own, limerence might sneak in as a way to feel validated by someone else. You might find yourself craving their attention because you think it will somehow make you feel worthy. When you get that attention, even in small doses, it can give you a high that’s hard to resist.
Unmet emotional needs:
Maybe you’re feeling lonely or unfulfilled in your life, and the person you’re fixated on seems like the solution. You imagine that they can fill that gap or make you feel whole. You might be using them to satisfy needs that aren't being met elsewhere—like the need for love, affection, or even just feeling important to someone.
Idealisation and using fantasy/daydreaming as a coping mechanism:
When you’re in limerence, it’s easy to put the other person on a pedestal and create a fantasy version of who they are. You start focusing on their best qualities and ignore any flaws or red flags. It’s like you see them through rose-coloured glasses and convince yourself that they’re perfect for you, even though you may not really know them that well.
Emotional rollercoaster:
Your brain loves dopamine (the “feel-good” chemical), and limerence can trigger it in huge doses. Every time you get a text, or a smile from this person, your brain floods with dopamine, making you feel euphoric. But when they don’t respond or seem distant, the dopamine disappears, and you feel anxious, upset, or rejected. This cycle can feel like a constant emotional rollercoaster.
Insecure attachment styles:
If you’ve experienced emotional neglect or inconsistency in relationships in the past, you might have an attachment style that makes you more prone to limerence. This is especially true if you tend to get fixated on someone who gives you just enough attention to keep you hooked, but not enough to make you feel secure.
How to break free from limerence
Recognise it for what it is:
The first step is realising that what you're experiencing is limerence—not real love. It’s not the same as having a healthy crush or being in a real, fulfilling relationship. Recognising that what you’re feeling is more about obsession and fantasy than reality can help you start detaching from it.
Create some distance:
It’s hard, but you might need to step back from the person you’re fixated on. This could mean cutting down on contact or even unfollowing them on social media. The goal is to stop feeding the obsession, which can be tough when you’re craving them. But distance helps you gain perspective.
Focus on yourself:
Redirect your energy back to yourself. Start doing things you enjoy that have nothing to do with them. Hang out with friends, pick up a hobby, or dive into something you’ve always wanted to learn. Rebuilding your own sense of self and happiness without relying on someone else for validation is key.
Challenge the fantasy:
Remember that you're likely idealising the person you're fixated on. Nobody is perfect—not even the person you’re obsessed with. Start asking yourself if this person really lives up to the fantasy you’ve created in your head. The more you focus on their flaws or the parts of them you don't know, the less attractive the fantasy becomes.
Break the limerent cycle:
Limerence thrives on uncertainty and hope. If you’ve never expressed your feelings to your crush, the ambiguity can keep you caught in a cycle of hope and rumination, constantly imagining different outcomes. Alternatively, if your crush is aware of your feelings but behaves inconsistently—alternating between showing affection and pulling away—this creates confusion and keeps the limerence alive. To break this cycle, it’s essential to either gain closure from the person or remove yourself from the unpredictable back-and-forth dynamic. Limerence cannot persist without the element of hope, so eliminating the uncertainty helps disrupt the cycle.
Show yourself self-compassion:
It's completely normal to feel sad, frustrated, or even angry about being stuck in this mindset. Be gentle with yourself, and remember that by gaining a deeper understanding of why you're feeling this way, you'll empower yourself to start healing and feel better.
Can therapy help with limerence?
If you feel like you’re stuck in a limerence cycle, talking to a therapist can really help. A therapist can:
- Help you to explore what this person means and represents to you, helping you to understand the deeper emotional needs that are driving your obsession.
- Teach you how to manage obsessive thoughts and emotional highs and lows.
- Guide you in developing healthier relationship patterns, and rebuilding your self-esteem so you’re not seeking validation from others to feel whole or feel good about yourself.
You don’t have to live in the grip of obsessive thoughts and feelings. With time, self-care, and possibly some professional support, you can move beyond this cycle.
Let go of the fantasy, and start living for yourself. You’ve got this!
