Coping with the loss of a loved one: A journey through grief

The death of a loved one is among the most difficult losses we can experience. We must confront our mortality which often sparks a quest for the meaning of human existence. Grieving is one of the most difficult and painful experiences we endure. Yet, this fundamental tragedy also brings out the best in people, as the encounter with death inevitably changes us.

Yet death, often too painful to contemplate, can spur us to value life with a passion that helps bring about new and significant changes, outlook on life, personal meaning, and a deeper understanding of ourselves and changes in worldview.

It is a given that sooner or later most of us have and will suffer from the death of someone we love. To lose a loved one is one of the most painful experiences we endure and the hardest from which to recover. If death comes suddenly, such as in an accident, shock and numbness are often the first response we feel. Even when death is anticipated, such as a long-term illness, there may be disbelief at its finality.

If the death was sudden or anticipated a person may feel numb, or like a robot, to be able to go through the motions of life while feeling little. Some individuals report that they are unable to cry when their loved one dies. They might not have cried for days or weeks after. Those who have been through the shock of losing a loved one often describe this period as going through the motions or doing as if everything is fine.

Shock and denial are nature's way of softening the immediate blow of death. This often follows after the initial shock. People know that their loved one has died, but a part of them is unable to accept the reality of the death. It is not unusual to fantasise that the deceased will walk through the door as if nothing has happened. Some people will leave bedrooms unchanged or make plans as if the loved one will participate just as in the past.

Each individual’s journey is unique and yet the experience of grief is drawn from a common well of pain, anguish and distress that seems unbearable at times. Many people report feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, hopelessness or anxiety. Others experience weepiness, moodiness, loss of control and feeling withdrawn.

Sadness, anger and loss are the most inevitable emotions of grief. Anger is a normal response. It may be directed at the deceased for leaving and causing a sense of abandonment, or at the doctors and nurses who did not do enough. Anger may be directed at oneself for not saving the life of a loved one. Such feelings can be even more difficult if problems have not been resolved before death.

Most people will experience some or all of these feelings for months and sometimes even years. Few people escape from the feelings of guilt and regret. You may think:

"I should have done more."
"So many things could have been done differently."
"If only I had known."
"I should have done this way or that way."
"If only I had been a better wife, husband, father, mother, friend, colleague and so forth."

Other individuals experience a decreased ability to carry out activities of daily living. Together with difficulty sleeping and physical distress such as pain, fatigue, shortness of breath, chest pain and muscle tension or symptoms such as confusion and loss of appetite.

The death of a loved one can turn our world upside down which can lead to feelings of confusion, fear and anxiety. Allow yourself time to adjust to your new circumstances and give yourself space and time to grieve.

Grief affects people in different ways but many people speak of feeling lonely, empty and isolated. It can be useful to express how you feel, try reaching out to family and friends. Express your thoughts, feelings and emotions to others who understand. If you need more help, you can speak to your doctor, or consult another health professional such as a qualified counsellor.

The loss of a loved one is not something that you will ever get over entirely and that time alone will not heal the intensity of the depth of suffering. However, acknowledging the loss and experiencing the pain may give way to a new perspective about the future.

It is easy to find ways of stepping around grief but if you dare to walk right through the middle of it there will come a day when you recognise yourself again. For instance, you notice that you join in social and leisure activities, or realise that you have been enjoying yourself with family and friends.

Acceptance does not mean forgetting, but rather memories to create a new and meaningful life without the loved one. Death takes away, but facing it and grieving can result in peace, new strengths, meaning and purpose.