Grief within other cultures and the power of positive thoughts

In our society, when we experience the death of someone that we have loved deeply, this can trigger many emotions which can feel overwhelming. Despair can be very much to the fore in the weeks and months following a death and it can be understandable to sometimes think, “How can I go on without them?”

If we reach such a low point, our actions could include becoming reclusive and avoiding contact with others, neglecting ourselves by not eating properly or maintaining our personal hygiene, and ruminating almost constantly about the loved one that we have lost. 

If you are finding that your grief is like this, please speak to your GP who can help you and who may suggest that you speak to a suitably qualified counsellor.

Unfortunately, nothing can restore our loved one to us, but our memories, and connections to them, whether these take the form of photographs, video clips, cards, letters that they wrote, or things that belonged to them that can give us comfort when we handle them, can all help us to cope better with our loss.

Many cultures around the world approach and process grief and mourning within their community in unique and sometimes surprisingly different ways. Sometimes by looking at examples, we can learn the value of positive thought in helping us to come to terms with our own loss. It is also a central tenet of behavioural therapy that how we think about something has a direct influence on our actions. In other words, if we think positively about something, then it follows that our actions will also be positive, while negative thoughts will likely generate negative actions.

The following is a short article which looks at the funeral rites of The Torajan people who live on the island of Sulawesi in Indonesia, a culture very different to that which we may have experienced in our own lives. 

As you read through it, some of the practices described may seem somewhat shocking and some people who hold strong religious views may not necessarily approve of some of them, perhaps all of them.

I do hope however, that if you yourself are journeying through personal grief while you are reading the article, you will perhaps gain a better understanding of the link between our thoughts and actions when we are bereaved, and that you can suspend any judgement and take just a little time to view how another culture approaches grief and loss in their uniquely healing way. 

I believe that anyone who has experienced deep grief in their own life will appreciate how the teachings of another culture can lessen the sense of loss for its people, which is surely something to be welcomed.

The funeral rites of The Torajan people

The Torajan people are an ethnic group of just over one million people who live on the island of Sulawesi in Indonesia.

Their unique treatment of their dead revolves around ancient beliefs passed down through centuries from generation to generation. 

It is one such belief that when a person dies, they begin a gradual journey towards ‘Puya’ or the afterlife. There is no sudden death in Torajan society.

As a part of this belief, until the full funeral rites have been performed at a loved one’s funeral, Torajans believe that the person is not dead but rather ‘sick’.   

To show the utmost respect for their loved one, Torajans believe that they must ensure that the person receives an elaborate funeral which is in effect a huge celebration involving entire communities. 

Arranging a funeral will therefore entail huge expense and sacrifice for the family, with the necessary money perhaps taking many months or even years to raise, especially for the poorer members of Torajan society. During this interim period, the body of the deceased will be embalmed, dried, and placed in a specially built extension or ‘Tongkonan’ erected close to the family home. There it will be tended to by the family who bring daily food, change the clothing, and wash the body of their loved one. Remember, it is the Torajan belief that the person is 'sick' and not dead.

The funeral, when it is eventually arranged, is indeed an elaborate celebration of the loved one’s life and involves some eleven days of feasting and the sacrifice of water buffalo and pigs, revered animals that the Torajans believe will join the deceased in the spirit world and help them on their journey through the afterlife.  

Following, the culmination of the funeral celebrations, the loved one’s body is finally laid to rest usually in a cliff-top cave, although caskets which are usually intricately decorated may also be suspended over the side of a cliff. A wooden carved effigy of the person, a ‘tau tau’, is also placed near the site to ‘watch over’ the deceased.

The death of a young child in Torajan society, similarly, requires the same elaborate funeral rites with one main difference being that the body of the child may be placed within a hollowed-out area in a tree in the belief that they will then be absorbed by the tree as it heals and thereby continue to grow as part of it. 

Every third year in August, the Torajan people celebrate the death ritual or ‘Ma’Nene’, 'The Ceremony of Cleaning Corpses', when they will exhume the bodies of dead relatives. The bodies are washed and redressed in new clothes and are carried back to the town or village where the person had lived in life and paraded with solemnity within the community following straight lines, considered to be of great importance by Torajans within the spiritual world. The ‘Ma Nene’ ritual is unique, and in Torajan society ensures that the deceased remains connected to their family and is never forgotten. 

What can we take away from The Trojan people's approach?

I feel that there are arguably things that we can admire if not learn from this society. Their belief that death is not a sudden ending but rather a gradual journey to the 'afterlife' must surely ease the sense of loss for a bereaved family where a loved one has been taken from the living world suddenly, maybe as the result of a tragic accident, or perhaps a fatal cardiac condition or some other catastrophic life-ending condition.  

There will also likely be fewer things in life that will be as difficult for any of us to cope with as that of experiencing the death of our child. While people within many cultures in time can experience a sense of peace and calm when they visit the graveside of their lost child or infant, the Torajan belief that their child is living still and growing as part of nature within the living tree, again must surely ease their loss and be of much comfort to the bereaved family.

A society whose culture helps its people to view death through such a totally different yet positive lens, and which goes to such lengths to honour and remember its loved ones, does, I feel, provide us with an example of how culture,  and positive thoughts and beliefs, can help to ease grief for those who have been bereaved and enhance the process of healing. 

I do hope that you have found this short article on the funeral rites of the Torajan people to be of interest. It is but one example of how death and grief can be experienced within a culture that may be very different to our own.

If you need help with processing your grief following the loss of your loved one, I would encourage you to please reach out to a professional. 

Remember that counselling can change your life.