Grief: To have loved and lost

To experience grief is to have experienced love. I once heard someone say that "Grief is the last act of love", and that to me sums up the final chapter of a person's relationship with the one who has now gone.

In therapy, we talk about loss a great deal; it presents itself in many ways and comes in many forms. Sometimes a client will come with a loss specifically in mind, and often it creeps into the room with little or no warning. It is how we as therapists deal with loss ourselves that often shapes the way we walk with a client through this difficult and often messy path. And having experienced grief myself, I can see why having the 'right' therapist with you can be make or break for a client.

Why feeling grief matters

As a therapist, I have learned that having the capacity to feel loss, sit in that pain and face what comes is a fundamental building block of our existence. Loss is inevitable, and for many, so is the avoidance we facilitate in order to protect ourselves. But not facing the pain and having the ability to sit within it often comes at a cost.

Understanding avoidance

As human beings, we have an amazing capacity to avoid and distract from the emotions we fear. And loss is the one we fear the most and so bury the deepest.

Don't get me wrong, not everyone experiences loss in the same way. We do not all need to cry or scream or collapse under the pain. Many a time I have heard from a client, "I haven't cried once since my mum died, I don't know what's wrong with me." These conventions in themselves can be damaging. But whatever that feeling is, in order to prevent being 'stuck', we do all need to feel what is there. Otherwise, it lies hidden, in essence, trapped within our bodies and minds, waiting for a release that manifests in a plethora of ways we could not even imagine.

Reports of a physical ache, muscle tension, a crushing weight that threatens to topple us or the immeasurable sadness that feels as though it will never end. It is in those moments that we have the ability to allow a client to feel what needs to be felt. To fall apart and rebuild again, in essence, a sharing of that pain, showing them they are not alone and enduring some of that burden, if only for a moment, that it may begin to ease the discontent.

Very often, clients come to me with feelings of anxiety, low mood and a sense of unbearable overwhelm. Upon exploring this innumerable set of feelings together, sometimes we discover that loss is at the heart.

Whether it be the loss of a job, a relationship, an identity or a special someone. Many times, we do not allow ourselves the space and time to sit with loss and explore the difficult emotions surrounding it. Lying dormant, hidden from view, manifesting in an array of complicated feelings buried out of sight.

It is our position to then explore with the client, gently challenging, uncovering emotions that need to be processed in the body and in the mind in order for them to feel safe enough to move within it.

Grief is messy (and normal)

As we know, grief is often described in a myriad of metaphors. Some describe it as a wave, that day to day we can bob along quite happily, allowing it to ebb and flow and essentially have the ability to ride it. However, knowing that when the tidal wave hits, it knocks us off our feet and we are tossed into the darkness, thrown brutally back and forth, feeling as though we are drowning. All-consuming and all-powerful. It is in those moments that we as therapists become the life jacket. A supporting buoy in a sea of discontent.

By offering ourselves with empathy and congruence, we allow our client to ride that wave again and again in safety. Experiencing the pain and knowing the pain will come and it will go. We can help provide reassurance that this is normal and explore the adaptation into a new reality.

Connection and the therapeutic relationship

Fostering a sense of connection is salient in enabling our clients to accept the new reality that they face. Working with a therapist who guides when needed but challenges when necessary is key. And the ability to hold them as they manage that pain is how we build trust, facilitate healing and build on the road to adjustment. Far more prevalent than the urge to remove the pain is a good therapist's understanding of how allowing the client to sit within it, acknowledge it and validate those feelings even when they are in the darkest of places is a stepping stone on the road that must be walked.

In essence, loss is at the heart of living and one thing that touches each and every one of us. It is the thing that causes the greatest pain, and working with it in the room is our greatest privilege.

Grief, a human experience to be felt and processed while holding the hand of a therapist whom you choose to trust with it.