Freeing the self of relational permission to feel

For some, there can be a struggle to notice, recognise, and acknowledge their behaviour, thoughts, desires, needs, and emotions. Sometimes, one's ability to truly feel and express emotions depends on receiving permission. The unspoken signal from another that it is safe to open up. But why do we wait for permission? And what happens when we don’t receive it?

The power of relational permission (self)

Counsellors and therapists offer more than guidance. We (hopefully) create an environment where expression is allowed, where emotions are validated, and where silence is not misinterpreted as indifference. There is an implicit agreement. This is your space to pause, to breathe, to feel without judgement.

This permission, whether explicitly given or quietly embroidered and sewn into the therapeutic space, which can be the catalyst for healing.

But outside of therapy, relational permission exists in many ways. Between parents and children, between friends, in workplaces, community spaces, and in romantic relationships. It can shape whether we feel seen, heard, and emotionally safe. Yet, for those who have never been granted this space, the absence can be deeply damaging.

What happens when permission is denied? (relational/self)

Many of us have been conditioned to suppress emotions. From childhood, we may have learned (often unintentionally) that tears, sadness, anger, difference or vulnerability is inconvenient. Parents may dismiss emotion or be misattuned to our needs, friends may mock our weakness, and workplaces may push productivity over emotional well-being. The result? A deep-internalised belief that emotions must be withheld until someone notices our distress.

But what if that recognition never comes? What if, instead, frustration builds until it erupts? What if we wait in pain for someone, anyone, to give us the nod?

You may have heard comments like:

• "You're explosive!"
• "Why can’t you address this before losing it?"
• "What's wrong with you?"
• "You're so angry, I'm always walking on eggshells." 

These reactions suggest that expressing emotions only becomes acceptable once they reach a boiling point. But emotions are not meant to be contained until they explode. They are meant to be acknowledged, processed, and communicated without shame or fear. They come to us with love, they come to us to be nurtured and cared for. 

Breaking the cycle: Self-permission and emotional autonomy

Waiting for someone else to validate our emotions places control in their hands and denies us emotional autonomy. But true healing begins when we grant ourselves permission. When we recognise that our emotions are valid, worthy of attention, and do not require external approval to exist.

Self-compassion is pivotal in this transformation. It teaches us to meet our struggles with kindness rather than criticism. It reminds us that pain does not need justification, that feelings do not need permission to be felt. That they just `are`. 

This shift requires practice. Below are a few active techniques.

Creating space for reflection: Self

Journaling, meditation, or quiet moments of self-awareness allow you to explore emotions without external validation. Try body scanningn - sit in a comfortable position, upright, start from your head, neck, shoulders, and back, noticing any tingling, pains, aches, or any other sensations. Noticing any link or connection to what you`re somatically feeling in conjunction with emotional thoughts. Work your way down through the body to the toes. Simply noticing. 

Affirming emotional worth: Self

Instead of suppressing difficult feelings, acknowledge them — “It’s okay to feel this. I don’t need someone to validate my emotions for them to be real.” Think about normalising the emotions and the experience of them. Acceptance is key, and acknowledging the normality helps to create a sense of balance. 

Setting boundaries: Self

Protecting your emotional well-being means deciding how and when you share feelings, not based on pressure but on personal readiness. Ask yourself, Am I ready to share this part of me? Does it feel right for me to share this thought or feeling right now? Would I like more time to reflect on this personally and internally before I externally verbalise this? Your words and your thoughts are precious, treat them with kindness and compassion. Listen to what you really need.

Permission beyond the self: Strengthening relationships

While self-permission is essential, safe relational spaces remain invaluable. Emotionally supportive relationships offer opportunities to express openly, to be understood without judgement. Whether with a partner, a friend, or a therapist, shared vulnerability develops connection. To note, this is a relational experience, so working alongside `other` makes for relational attunement. 

And when we honour our emotions within ourselves, we naturally build healthier interactions. We learn when to speak, when to hold space, when to be in or offer silence and pause, and when to offer permission to others, ensuring they, too, feel seen.

A lifelong practice

This journey is not about achieving perfect emotional expression. It is about learning to listen to yourself first, before seeking external validation. It is about allowing yourself to feel fully, without apology. And in doing so, it is about rewriting the narrative that emotions require permission from anyone other than yourself.

You deserve to exist in your emotional truth. That is the permission that truly matters.

I have written this article with views in mind from Carl Rogers, IFS Theory (Internal Family Systems).