Embracing motherhood’s Shadow: Finding strength in imperfection

Motherhood is often referred to as a profound and transformative journey. Yet, what is often left unsaid is that it is steeped in complexities that can be deeply uncomfortable to confront. Behind the tender moments and the fierce love that most mothers will have encountered at least through glimpses along the way, lies another side of motherhood – the Shadow.
The Shadow is a part of every mother’s psyche that holds the feelings we’d rather not acknowledge: resentment, guilt, frustration, jealousy, possessiveness, even rage. What I wish every mother would know is this: these feelings don’t make you a bad mother. They make you human.
What is the mother’s Shadow?
The concept of the Shadow, introduced by Carl Jung, refers to the parts of the human psyche we habitually suppress, deny or minimise because they don’t align with how we want to see ourselves.
This desired self-image is not something we get to consciously choose – it is a reflection of the censored, scaled-down version of ourselves we needed to become in order to belong and receive positive regard in our early years. Our personal Shadow typically develops in the relationship with our primary caregivers, however, on a more fundamental level, it also represents what society expects us not to be.
For mothers, the Shadow is often shaped by cultural ideas and ideals of perfection, self-sacrifice, unconditional contentment, resilience and boundless patience. It is perfectly illustrated by the image of Mother Mary – holy and full of grace; her personality and life completely defined by her role of being of selfless service to her son.
Yet, as any mother would soon realise, mothering is so much more than a social role. It is a full-on heroine’s journey, in which the mother will encounter her soulful trials: moments, sequences of moments and sometimes, even prolonged periods of self-doubt, grief, exhaustion, frustration and despair.
In fact, more mothers than we know secretly carry a deep yearning for freedom from the mothering role with its endless responsibilities, duties and demands of competence, compassion and care.
These 'darker', less socially acceptable feelings and yearnings can often be scary and overwhelming to encounter in ourselves. So scary that we can be tempted to deny or minimise their presence or passionately fight against them. We can also end up feeling crushed by our experience, taken over by a story that we have failed and shouldn’t be in the mothering role in the first place.
Yet, being in touch with your 'darker' side is not a sign that something is wrong with you as a mother – it is a confirmation that the journey of motherhood is actually taking place. In fact, if we look beyond the traditional image of Mary, many myths and archetypes throughout history remind us that the Shadow is an essential and necessary aspect of the mother’s experience.
Lessons from mythology: The duality of motherhood
In mythology, the mother is often portrayed in her duality – both nurturing and destructive. Consider Demeter, the Greek goddess of the harvest, whose grief and fury at losing her daughter Persephone plunged the world into winter. Or Kali, the fierce Hindu goddess of death and fertility, a protector of life and also a wild destructive force, is often depicted with a necklace of decapitated heads.
These symbols teach us that motherhood is not one-dimensional. The same hands that soothe can feel weary or clench into fists, and the same heart that loves can ache with frustration. This duality is not something to hide from, but to hold and explore with compassion.
Honouring the Shadow with self-compassion
Too often, mothers are burdened with the expectation to 'rise above' their darker emotions, leading to feelings of shame and failure. But denying the Shadow only deepens its grip. What if, instead, you welcomed these difficult emotions with the same care you’d offer a child in distress?
When guilt arises because you yelled after a long day or because you are navigating something stressful in another area in your life, when resentment creeps in after yet another sleepless night, pause. Take a breath. Instead of judging yourself, acknowledge the tender vulnerability that is behind these feelings and ask: What do I really need right now?
Sometimes the answer is rest, solitude, or connection with another adult. Other times, it’s a few deep breaths. Or permission to simply feel your feelings without trying to fix them. And there certainly will be times when the answer will be a frustrated "I have no clue!", but you'll have to trust that asking the question is already a step in the right direction and coming back to this question again and again has power to create a completely new pathway on your journey.
Integrating the Shadow
If you are anything like me, you are probably worried that welcoming your more challenging feelings and experiences and offering them compassion could lead to a total lack of control: “If I open this Pandora's box, all sort of chaos can break loose.”
There is some truth to it – Shadow work needs to be approached with caution, compassion and gentleness, and it’s great to have professional support around it. Yet connecting with our Shadow doesn’t mean letting it take over; it means slowly, bit by bit, discovering and integrating it into your understanding of yourself and using its power in service of your life and relationships. It is a journey and commitment in its own right.
The more you can accept that motherhood is a dance of light and shadow, the more you will free yourself from the prison of perfectionism and social expectations that weigh so heavily on your shoulders. By accepting what you perceive as your imperfection, you get to model for your children that being human is messy, and that’s OK. That’s how you teach them freedom, too.
5 ways to embrace your Shadow as a mother
1. Reflect on your triggers
Start tracking moments when you get overwhelmed or experience something out of your comfort zone. Gently ask yourself: what might be going on beneath the surface? Create some time to explore and write down what exactly you are perceiving, feeling and thinking. Notice which feelings or thoughts are harder for you to accept and feel loving towards – they will be a good pointer to your Shadow.
2. Reflect on your needs
What deeper needs might your uncomfortable feelings be revealing? If your Shadow were your ally in disguise, what might it want for you?
3. Lean into embracing your imperfections
Reflect on the areas of your motherhood where you meet your experience with judgement and measure your 'performance' according to some specific standard. Where might these expectations be coming from? What would it be like to gently shift your focus from being the 'good mother' to being a present, real, authentic one? Remember that no rupture is irreparable and children don’t need perfection; they need connection.
4. Look out for mythic inspiration
Explore stories of mother goddesses and heroines who embody both creation and destruction – these archetypal, timeless images can sometimes be a powerful source of inspiration. You can also research the stories of real women who have shared their motherhood struggles and the less glamorous parts of the journey.
5. Seek support
Whether through friends whom you trust to hear you out without judgement, or a safe mothering community, sharing your challenging moments can reduce shame and remind you that you’re not alone. It is also wise to keep in mind that deep Shadow work requires caution and is best done with a guide who knows the territory and can accompany you: if you notice yourself feeling unsafe when exploring, please seek professional support.
A new perspective on motherhood
Motherhood isn’t about erasing your Shadow but about weaving it into the fabric of your experience. When you embrace the fullness of who you are – your light and dark – you create space for a deeper, more compassionate and authentic connection with yourself and your children. You teach them through your own example that love is not about being perfect, but about being whole.
So, what I wish every mother would know is this: you are more than enough, even when you feel like you’re failing. In the moments when the Shadow feels overwhelming, let it be an invitation – not to judge yourself, but to meet yourself with tenderness. Because when you make room for all parts of yourself, you don’t just mother your children – you mother yourself. And a mother who can mother herself first is a gift the world desperately needs.
